Tag: Life

• Speaking Of

  Posted at 5:00 AM by Brittany, on December 13, 2021

  I debated turning this into another Early Morning Confessions post, but I settled on a “proper” post that will likely still be a bit sporadic. A few things have happened in my world since we last spoke, nothing crazy, but a few fun things I wanted to share with the three people who visit my blog (my grandpa, my dad, and my boyfriend.)

  Speaking of my boyfriend, this cute mountain man turned another year older last month.

  

  

  I was a hot mess in my kitchen trying to bake with butter for what felt like the first time. At the height of my baking days I was plant based, so butter did not cross my lips. These days, I am still dairy free (except for those blue moon splurges when I eat the three day old pizza in my fridge on the first day of my period), so I still do not bake with butter.

  I found it surprisingly difficult to bake this cake, but after what felt like an entire afternoon the masterpiece was complete. Special shoutout to my mom and my cat for helping me. My mom with the KitchenAid, and my cat with emotional support. 32 going on 12 for me.

  Speaking of going on 12, I have grown exceptionally fearful of the world around me. No amount of protection is too much these days.

  

  I introduce to you my new running friend. I first discovered Go Guarded on Instagram, and I knew I had to have one of these mace/knife combos. I am extra alert these days while I run outside, but this tool helps me to feel a wee bit safer. Except for the constant fear of tripping and severing important arteries, but I’m more inclined to explore alone with this device.

  Speaking of exploring, I went bird watching for the first time in my life recently.

  

  Duncan and I went for a wetland walk, and he brought his binoculars with the hopes of seeing some birds. Birds we saw, but the highlight of this walk was a rogue seal who found his way to the inlands for some rest and relaxation. A pleasant surprise on this afternoon of adventure.

  Speaking of adventure, I went for my first snow hike of the season last week.

  

  Before 1/3 of my readers get upset (I’m looking at you dad), I did not go solo on this adventure in the snow. There were five of us who braved the lower temps with the hopes of awe and wonder. I will say, I was not expecting THIS much snow when I prepared for the hike, but thankfully a good base layer and an 850 down jacket kept me mostly warm.

  

  

  I only lost feeling in my digits a few times, thanks to my good friend Raynaud’s. We hiked for around four and a half hours, and managed just under 9 miles. I had hiked the trail to Annette Lake before, but never in the winter. I didn’t recognize a single part of this trail – could be because it’s been six years since I’ve hiked it, or could be because of the snow.

  Speaking of snow hikes, look at this gem photo I took of Duncan on my birthday back in February after a mass of snow fell on him.

  

  Little did we know two months after I snapped this photo we would be like school children in his car after a hike confessing we had weird bubbly feelings in our bellies for each other. Life is weird.

  That’s all for now.

  Q: What’re your holiday plans?

  

  | 37 Comments Tagged Baking, Hiking, Life

• Maiden Peak

  Posted at 5:00 AM by Brittany, on October 4, 2021

  I recently went for a new to me hike, one I would have never done had it not been for the rugged safety of a vehicle belonging to someone else. I think back to some of the trails I hiked in the past and the roads I took to get there, and you couldn’t talk me into driving those roads again even if you told me a cupcake was waiting for me at the end.

  My Toyota sedan has done her job, and she has retired to calm terrain only these days.

  

  The destination was Maiden Peak, and the road to the Deer Park Campground where we started our hike isn’t the worst terrain, but the constant uphill on gravel roads without 4WD would give my tender little heart a bout of anxiety if in my car. I am thankful for friends who have more trail appropriate vehicles and are willing to carpool to these hikes.

  They have allowed me to see places I likely wouldn’t venture to alone.

  

  The benefit of driving up quite a ways is the payoff at the end of the hike, and we topped off at 6200ft. Starting at a higher elevation meant this hike started cold. We’re talking high 30’s cold. I was surprised by how cold it was when we started, and while I prefer hiking in cooler temps this was a bit of a shock to the system. The trail starts off with a walk downhill, which is always a sign some brutal Scheisse is about to come. What goes down, must go up.

  Right as rain the trail had such a steep incline I thought my calves were going to spontaneously combust.

  The trail gains 2100ft of elevation, and at times it felt like 1000ft of this was all at once. Trails like this open up to expansive views that are indescribable, and while the struggle was real at times I very much enjoyed this hike. It wasn’t all an uphill battle though, we evened out a handful of times for a reprieve, much like my mood after I come down from the sudden cortisol spike after too much coffee.

  

  

  We sat at our chosen destination of Maiden Peak for roughly ten minutes before the weather started to take a turn. The views of the surrounding mountains began to disappear as a thick fog rolled in. I enjoy when the weather is a combination of sun and clouds, it somehow feels like two different hikes. Alas, my bones grew cold once again and we packed our bags to begin our descent.

  

  I wasn’t cold for long as the trail began moving up and down like a wave, and the final push at the end (walking up the hill we initially went down) was enough to get my core temperature back up to baseline. We managed 8 miles of trail, 4 hours of conversation, and a full day of fun. These coworkers turned friends of mine are what keep me at my current job.

  That and the fact that I still don’t know what’s next.

  

  I’m a simple gal, with simple goals for my life. I want a roof over my head, good food in my belly, fun adventures here and there, and deep connections from select humans. I want to drink hot coffee atop mountains, cook nourishing meals while listening to Noah Kahan, read a book when it’s raining outside, soak in a hot tub under the stars with snow all around me, and ride my bike or walk through the woods with autumn leaves crunching under my tires or feet.

  I want to cuddle with my partner through the silence of the night, feel the low hum of my cats purr on my chest while resting on my favorite chair, sit in silence with my family while we each engage in our own activities, run on backcountry roads past cows and sheep with the smells of farmland wafting through my nostrils, cry until my temples ache, and laugh until my abs are sore.

  I want to live in each moment and to take each day as it comes, learning from others and learning from myself.

  

  My current job aligns with my current priorities in life, and in time those will both change. Life doesn’t have to be complicated, and I am at a point where I no longer feel the need to conform to a template built by anyone other than myself. Living an authentic life created exclusively by me – that is what I call success.

  Q: What are the ingredients for the successful soup of your life?

  

  | 13 Comments Tagged Hiking, Life, REI

• Kendall Katwalk Thoughts

  Posted at 5:00 AM by Brittany, on September 27, 2021

  I seem to have developed a backwards case of writers block. Instead of having a lack of words to write, I am finding myself with so much to say I don’t know where to begin. So many thoughts, feelings, and emotions have been swirling inside my head lately, but the overwhelm of it all leaves me with a blank page and an overstimulated mind.

  This seems to be the norm for me, especially when in my luteal phase. I feel things stronger, I love things harder, and I overthink things longer. I have been challenged multiple times the last few months, but despite these challenges I know all of the times I am pushed to a zone of discomfort, I am pushed to a zone of growth.

  Human beings are unique, and we each have our own trials. As I continue to grow I continue to seek those who are willing to grow with me.

  

  

  I’ve been thinking a lot about all the people I have met throughout my life, and some of the adventures I have embarked on with these people. Some people I will never see again, and yet their presence in my life served a purpose I may never fully understand. We learn from people, and often times their personalities can serve as a type of mirror for us to see our own strengths and weaknesses.

  A normal part of life is spending time with those who are in close proximity to us. For me, I find I bond quickly with likeminded people I work with. I’ve been enjoying spending time with some of my coworkers, but I know eventually some of us will loose touch. Just like those I’ve lost touch with who I worked with prior.

  The natural ebb and flow of seasonal friendships can be painful, but there is always an open door for new relationships to be made.

  

  

  I’ve been hiking with a few pals I work with lately, and I am reminded why I chose to work at REI. I knew I needed to find some kind of community when I moved back to Washington, a community of people who share my common interests and hobbies. These moments in the mountains are therapeutic for me, and sometimes we share conversations that fuel my soul in a way that cannot be done by simply sitting in a coffee shop chatting.

  I once thought I preferred to be alone, but I’ve learned that it’s not as simple as a black and white equation. What I prefer is to be understood. To be heard, and to have others ask me how I’m doing from a place of genuine interest. To share my dreams and feelings from a place of true vulnerability. The older I get the stronger my desire to share the penetralia of my heart.

  These moments are rare, and the people with which I have these moments are hard to find. There are few feelings in life comparable to connecting with another person on a level where our scars live.

  

  

  The hike in this post is a hike I had done once before in 2014, and I couldn’t help but think about the last time I had hiked this. While I don’t remember much, it got me thinking about friends I hiked with in my early 20’s. 2014 was the beginning of discovering who I was, and hiking was a catalyst in this self discovery. So much time has passed, and I have morphed into an entirely new person.

  The beauty of life is that we are always evolving.

  On this recent hike my friends and I trekked 13 miles on the Pacific Crest Trail to the Kendall Katwalk. This day, along with many other days, will be etched into my memories as a positive moment amid times of chaos and convolution. The world is being torn in two right now and it’s messy and unsettling. I’m reminded in these times there are few things more important to me than my people.

  

  

  I think my hesitation in writing this post was a fear of getting “too deep.” I have a tendency to write from the depths of my heart, and while I regret none of those posts, I am trying to be mindful of what I put out into the world. This post is meant to be more of an appreciation post for human connection.

  I have learned to lean into my sensitive humanity, and I know only those who want the best for me will lean in too. Tell your friends how much you appreciate them, tell your partner how much you love them, tell your family (this doesn’t have to be a biological family) how thankful you are to have their support. Tell people their value, because you never know the impact your words may have on someone else.

  Q: Do you have an easy time being vulnerable with others?

  

  | 14 Comments Tagged Hiking, Kendall Katwalk, Life, PNW, Washington

• A Decade in the Making

  Posted at 5:00 AM by Brittany, on April 22, 2021

  When I first started writing on this small space of the internet, my posts were sporadic and random. I would write about a great run I had, or an epic vegan meal I created, all sandwiched between cat stories and my disdain for higher education. I was young, spunky, and had a carefree zest for life.

  I then fell in love with hiking, and started to learn more about the science of coffee. I became voracious in my studies of blends, pairings, regions, and finding the right balance of flavors for those who “don’t drink black coffee.” I find those who don’t enjoy the taste of coffee typically haven’t been introduced to the right blend for them, like a fine wine.

  I really miss preparing/photographing/and consuming coffee tastings…

  

  Eventually my carefree posts turned more introspective while I navigated life after being diagnosed with a chronic illness. Everything as I knew it began to change, and my posts followed suit. Instead of stepping away from this space when I no longer ate a vegan diet, no longer ran consistently, and had to avoid drinking coffee (aka everything I blogged about), I dove deeper into myself to pull out the nitty gritty thoughts most people don’t want to acknowledge.

  I have spent the last ten years learning about myself, and sharing my journey with whoever chooses to read.

  I have met a handful of lifelong friends through this space, something I would have never imagined possible. I have seen new parts of my home country visiting these friends, I communicate with them more than people I met throughout my childhood, and I continue to meet new people as I continue to write. This has quite literally become a small community for me, and I genuinely adore each and every comment or email I get from those who read what I have to say.

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  I am a simple gal, and I don’t need much out of life. One of the quickest ways for me to feel seen, heard, and understood is for someone to read my words, or listen to my thoughts with a genuine interest. My love languages are words of affirmation, and quality time. For sometime to take the time to read what I have to say, and then engage with me brings such a deep sense of joy and purpose to my day.

  To have a space where I can share my heart in such a raw, and vulnerable way is something I never knew I would need.

  I wasn’t prepared for how therapeutic it would be to write here. I started this blog because I wanted to get free stuff. I wanted to review fun new foods and products, and that’s exactly what I did. Free stuff came my way, until eventually I had companies reaching out to me instead of the other way around. These days I am much less active here, I pop on when I want to word vomit somewhere other than my personal journal, with the hopes of connecting with someone else near or far away.

  There is comfort in community.

  I was 22 when I started this blog, and the amount of life I have lived the last decade feels oddly like a faint dream. I fell in love, had my heart broken, ran six half marathons, switched paths countless times, graduated college, moved to Europe, obsessed over healing my body, worked through an eating disorder, lost my way, and conquered many literal, physical, and mental mountains.

  

  I have fallen, gotten back up, and fallen again. Over, and over, and over…I thank each and every one of you who has come to this space to follow along on this wild journey of life.

  I didn’t anticipate I would be here ten years later, and I don’t know how long I will continue writing on this space. For now I enjoy it, so for now I write. I’ll leave you all with this gift – a link to my very first blog post from April 2011. A young, awkward, excited human unaware of what the next ten years would hold for her.

  I still make that face, I just have a lot less hair now.

  

  | 51 Comments Tagged Bloggers, Life

• Just Go With the Flow

  Posted at 5:00 AM by Brittany, on April 12, 2021

  This post will be focusing on female hormones, if that ain’t your cup of tea check back next week.

  Those who have been following my blog for a while know I had a long, frustrating run with Hypothalamic Amenorrhea. When I was deep in the struggles of this issue I spent hours online looking for articles to help guide me, as well as articles to help bring me comfort knowing I was not alone. I’ve shared parts of this story before, so I will spare you the reiterations, but in layman’s terms I lost my period for nearly six years.

  My journey to “recovery” was a long one, but after endless research and self advocacy I discovered the “why” behind my missing cycle. I was exercising too much, eating too little, and putting myself through too much stress. A triple cocktail towards chaos. It wasn’t until I finally committed to eating more and moving less, becoming my version of the Michelin Man, that my cycle returned.

  Admittedly gaining a lot of weight was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but it was imperative for my success in getting my cycle back.

  

  Badda boom, badda bing – I’m back in business and have had regular cycles for over a year now. Things must be smooth as butter right? I wish I could say yes, but the answer up until a few months ago was a firm no. While I was stoked I no longer had to worry about osteoporosis in middle age (a potential outcome for long term amenorrhea sufferers), I now had the pleasure of lugging around unbelievably debilitating PMS symptoms each and every month.

  I had never struggled with PMS in my youth, I’d get a cramp here or there, but the mood swings, the swelling, the pain, the fatigue, THE MOOD SWINGS…these were all new. I could have blamed this on getting older, but I knew it was more than that. I knew my cattywampus hormones over the last decade needed some help getting back in balance, so I did what anyone who avoids pharmaceuticals does. I scoured the internet for natural solutions to an unnatural problem.

  What I discovered was nothing short of life changing, and I don’t say that lightly.

  

  I want to note I think there is a time and place for pharmaceuticals, and some cases of mental health related struggles are dire enough for this type of intervention, but I personally seek natural sources first.

  While searching for natural ways to get my mood swings under control I stumbled upon Happy Healthy Hippie. I alluded to my success with their Go With The Flow blend in a previous post, but I am so incredibly passionate about this product I had to share more about it. I’m honored to work with HHH in bringing light to this product, because I feel like I have my life back after starting these. I know there are so many other women out there who feel hopeless with regard to their hormones.

  I am here to tell you it does not have to be that way.

  I started taking this herbal blend in January and gave myself a full month before making any judgements. I was immediately convinced when day one of my luteal phase came around in February, aka hell week, and I felt no significant changes in my mood. Not only is my mood more stable during my luteal phases, but my overall disposition throughout the last few months has been much lighter. Granted, there are other factors contributing to my mood boost, but the main kick in the butt has been these herbs.

  

  

  I truly thought my dark mind moments were how life was going to be for me. I was buckling up to accept and embrace the week from hell each month, but I am so thankful I discovered this product. I was initially wary, but figured I had nothing to loose. This is just a blend of natural herbs, what was the worst that could happen? The reviews I read online were all the convincing I needed to try this for myself. Women who were suffering from PMDD symptoms, menopause, and women like me who needed help finding balance.

  The proof is in the pudding (me, I am the pudding). I am a customer for life with this brand.

  

  Happy Healthy Hippie offers a wide range of products, and while I have only personally tried Go With The Flow, I am equally intrigued by Be Grounded, a fast-acting relief from stress and anxiety. If this works as well as Go With The Flow, I imagine those who suffer from intrusive, anxiety ridden thoughts might find great relief from this product.

  If you are like me and want a more natural approach to some of the challenges our fast paced lives throw our way, I highly encourage you to check out Happy Healthy Hippie products.

  After all, what do you have to loose other than residual stress and overwhelm?

  

  | 25 Comments Tagged Balance, Happy Healthy Hippie, Hormones, Life, Sponsored

• Seasons

  Posted at 5:00 AM by Brittany, on March 24, 2021

  Have you ever noticed how beautiful the world becomes when a new season begins? It’s as if somehow the earth knew us humans were beginning to get complacent, or unmotivated by a certain time of the year. With the flip of a switch a new scent in the air, or the rise and fall in temperatures brings forth a new perspective.

  I’ve spent all of my years living in places with four seasons, and I cannot imagine living somewhere without them.

  My favorite season is fall, I love everything about a crisp October morning with frost on the grass and sun in the sky. A cool spring breeze follows close second, and summer makes me want to fall in love. Winter on the other hand is the season I find most difficult. Winter is cold, dark, gloomy, and often brings in waves of the SAD’s.

  This winter however, I found myself in surprisingly high spirits. 

  

  Winter hikes.

  Perhaps it was due to the fact I spent more time outdoors than I typically do in the winter months, perhaps it was because I spent more time with other humans, or perhaps it was because just as the seasons of weather change, so too do the seasons of life. I am at the tail end of one season, paving my way into a new one, and this season of life feels slightly more optimistic than the last.

  I became quite good at isolating myself over the last handful of years, a natural response to emotional upheavals. It took me years to notice my behavior, and while I still find great value in spending time alone, I began to feel the pull towards human connections earlier last year. My goal upon returning to America was to put this pull into play by pushing myself to be more social.

  

  Trail rides with fellow bike enthusiasts.

  As an introvert spending time alone is essential, especially with a job like mine where I am constantly engaging (superficially) with others. In contrast, as a human it is also essential to spend time with others – time of connection through shared interests, deep conversations, belly laughter, and daydreams. I’m not good at expressing my “need” for other people, but as I get older I get better at expressing these needs.

  Without the season of winter (or whatever season you enjoy the least), it would be hard to fully value the seasons I love so dearly. Change brings forth growth – growth of life on earth, and growth of life within ourselves. Walking through the more uncomfortable seasons allows for a deeper appreciation of the more uplifting ones. Literally and figuratively.

  The painfully cold hikes covered in snow, albeit beautiful, help me cherish the warmth of spring hiking.

  

  

  As I move into a new earthly season as well as a new life season I have one quote hanging around the forefront of my brain helping me to progress forward: “one day at a time.” It can be so easy for me to fall into the comparison trap of where I “should be” in my life, but really there is no right or wrong place to be. Each job, each relationship, and each experience helps mold us for the next season of life.

  In order to take full advantage of these lessons we must embrace each season we are in. 

  I have high hopes for the spring and summer months to come. I see grand adventures, deeper friendships, newfound knowledge, and further personal edification. I hope to be a source of encouragement for those who are stuck in a stormy season of life. There will always be an end to the storm, as long as we continue walking through it.

  

  Q: What’s your favorite season? 

  

  | 25 Comments Tagged Hiking, Life, Spring

• Things I’m Loving Lately

  Posted at 5:00 AM by Brittany, on March 8, 2021

  Despite the fact I do not follow a Catholic faith, I decided to partake in Lent this year. I was raised Catholic, but I have moved towards more of a relaxed Christian faith that I am happy with. Still, I have participated in Lenten fasts in the past, but this year was different. This year I genuinely wanted to give up something to challenge myself on more of a mental and spiritual level, rather than a physical one.

  This year, I have given up social media.

  My blog has never been a space where I can escape from reality, so my presence here is “allowed” and encouraged. Instead I have given up Instagram and Facebook, one of which I can easily get lost on for hours looking at photos from strangers I will never meet. Initially I thought this would be difficult. I thought my addiction to the mindless escape of scrolling on Instagram would be a painful missing piece of my mental distraction repitour, but what I have found has been the complete opposite.

  Rather than curling up in a corner scratching at my face for the next fix, I am more present on here. I am more present with myself, I am writing more, and I feel calmer. My eating habits have been more balanced, my mood has been stable, and my sleep has been better. I’ve spent more time reflecting on deep thoughts as well as superficial “fun” thoughts.

  Thoughts that have inspired this post. Thoughts of random things I am enjoying lately. Let’s dive in, shall we?

  

  • I am enjoying wearing a Garmin watch without the obsession.

  I will forever have a soul tie to my OG Garmin Forerunner 110, but he is no longer with us. I bought that watch in 2011, and we made it through many, many runs together. What I loved most about the 110 was the fact that it didn’t have any bells and whistles. No calorie counts, no step counts, no heart rate counts, it was just a watch that turned into a GPS when you asked it to.

  I have avoided a new Garmin because of the bells and whistles. As someone who struggled with an exercise addiction and disordered eating it can be hard to separate from that extra data. If the day of movement wasn’t perfect it was bad news. So I stopped wearing anything, I stopped tracking movement, and I did the unthinkable – I intentionally gained weight and spent many days inactive. I truly believe this temporary hiatus helped me to have a more balanced approach to exercise.

  I now use a Forerunner 45, one of the more basic watches with just the right amount of bells and whistles. RIP to Gary my Forerunner 110 shown below.

  

  • I am enjoying new work skillz.

  I finally know how to change my own bike tire/tube. I’ll never forget the time I got a flat tire years ago. It was my rear tire aka the “entering Mordor tire” with regard to taking it on and off. I was successful in getting the tire off, took it into REI to fix, and everything was going great. Until I couldn’t get the tire back on.

  I accepted my failures and asked one of my neighbors for his help, a neighbor I had never spoken to in my life. I knew he rode bikes so I figured it was worth it to ask. He was most helpful, and as a thank you I baked him (and his family) cookies and gave them a pound of coffee (back when free coffee was up to my neck.) I left it on their porch and never heard anything.

  I hope his wife didn’t think I was hitting on him. Awkward.

  

  • I am enjoying spending money.

  Hear me out on this one…I am one of the most frugal people you will ever virtually meet. I hoard my money like I am preparing for some kind of apocalypse, and it’s honestly a bit ridiculous at times. I rarely if ever buy myself something, and it takes me a long time to justify a purchase unless I “need” it. Although “need” is such a relative term.

  I refuse to fall prey to consumerism, but I have been spending more money on myself lately. Buying nicer hiking gear, buying an extra pair of shoes, the aforementioned Garmin, etc.

  I will never forget something a small southern man I used to work with in Germany told me. We were talking about my frugality one day, and I was telling him about all the ways I tried to cut costs while traveling (like using a hostel pillowcase for a towel, perks of short hair), and he looked at me and said: “you cannot take your money to the grave.”

  Ever since then I’ve been more mindful about letting myself live a little. I can’t take it to the grave.

  

  • I am enjoying my obsession with “Happy Healthy Hippie – Go With The Flow Hormone Balance.“

  If you have been around these parts for a while, you will know I have a bit of a “crunchy granola” approach to most things in my life. I avoid pharmaceuticals, I rarely wash my hair, I spent an entire summer without wearing deodorant, I try to eat mostly whole foods, and shaving my legs is an afterthought to…everything.

  When my menstrual cycle returned after being gone for five years, I knew something was still off. My hormones were ALL OVER the place. Being the professional obsessor that I am, I spent far too much time on the Google trying to find out what was going on, until one day I decided I had to do something because my PMS symptoms were taking over my life. I know that sounds dramatic, but I am completely serious.

  No this post is not sponsored, however it SHOULD be. This blend is literally just a mix of herbs so I knew I had nothing to loose. And let me tell you…I have lost nothing and GAINED some of my sanity back.

  

  • I am enjoying winter hiking.

  I never imagined I would be someone who enjoyed hiking in the winter months. As someone who struggles with Raynaud’s I tend to avoid being outside in cold temps for long periods of time. Not only have I enjoyed winter hiking, my extremities have not fallen off like I anticipated they would.

  

  

  My hiking pals and I took a trip to the Hoh Rainforest last week, a place I hadn’t visited since I was 17. The last time I took a trip to the Hoh was for a team building weekend with my dad and a group of others who were all planning a trip to Mexico for a mission trip. All I remember from 17 year old Brittany’s experience was hating the five mile hike to our camp site, hundreds of thousands of black slugs, and being stuck with people I didn’t mesh with.

  Ultimately the mission trip was amazing, and it was all worth while.

  

  Now that I am an adult, and I enjoy hiking, five miles in (and five miles out) is no big thing. We hiked (or rather walked, this area is very flat) to “Five Mile Island” where we enjoyed some snacks and views before heading back. Lush green trees, mossy rocks, waterfalls, ferns large enough to engulf an elk, and rivers rushing loud enough to lull any white noise lover to sleep.

  Worth the three hour drive, five hour walk, and three hour drive back.

  

  Life without social media feels good. I am reading more, I am listening to amazing music, I am daydreaming about people and places and adventures to come. When Lent comes to an end I plan to be more intentional with my time spent online. Life feels good right now, and I am enjoying this whole “one day at a time thing.”

  After all, today is all we have.

  Q: Have you ever taken a significant break from social media?

  

  | 43 Comments Tagged Biking, Garmin, Hiking, Hormones, Lent, Life, PNW

• Filtering Fear

  Posted at 5:00 AM by Brittany, on February 22, 2021

  I am an anxious person. This is not news, but as I continue to navigate my way through life I continue trying to find the “why” behind my feelings/emotions/behaviors. Fear and anxiety are hardwired into our psychology for good reason – these intuitive emotions help to protect us from dangerous situations. Fear can act as a motivator to prepare us for the unexpected, but fear can also act as a paralytic.

  My fear has somehow evolved over time from a healthy and mindful reminder of my boundaries, to an unkempt field of weeds.

  The thing about me is that while I acknowledge that I am anxious and overly fearful at times, I am also actively working against myself to determine what is real, and what is not. I am quite literally filtering through my fears. What is causing me to feel anxious most of the time is a false reality somehow skewed by my experiences over time. When we try to repress these thoughts or feelings we continue to stay stuck in an unhealthy cycle, making poor choices along the way. When we acknowledge these thoughts or feelings we grow.

  I choose to swim through these thoughts rather than allow them to drown me.

  

  Life experiences play a large role in our mental health, but I truly believe that a significant amount of our dysphoria is reflective of our physical bodies as well. Hormonal imbalances, and digestive distresses are key factors in our mental health. The gut is referred to as our second brain for a reason, the close knit inner workings of our true brain and our guts are very real. What we think we feel, and what we feel we think.

  The reason we feel like we need to rush to the bathroom when we are nervous, or when we feel a pain in our stomach when we are afraid, is all relative to these homeostatic relationships within our bodies.

  I have a borderline obsession with researching the topic of physical and mental health correlations, and the knowledge I have gained has me often wanting to scream the benefits of proper nutrition and lifestyle from the tallest mountain. Sometimes though, these basic humanistic necessities aren’t enough to balance our inner beings, and we need a little help from external sources. My hormones have been out of whack for an unreasonable amount of time, and I recently decided to experiment with a herbal hormone balancing blend.

  I am blown away by the results.

  

  For the first time in what feels like lightyears I feel balanced. I feel stable. I feel less anxious and less “down.” I’m not saying this is a magic bullet, but I do believe in the power of nature helping to bring us back to our factory setting. My mood the last month has been lighter, I have been more sociable, I have been more empathetic, more compassionate. I have been more…whole.

  My fear is still hanging around, but most of the scenarios in which I feel fearful are realistic.

  Examples of appropriate fear I have recently felt are: not wanting to drive in the snow, and challenging the idea of a hike in the snow. Snow and I are not good pals. I once got lost for hours on a hike because of snow, and I have slid too many times on the roads because of snow. Examples of inappropriate fear I have recently felt are: fear of rejection, and wanting to cancel on friends because I fear being a burden. Spoiler alert – a worthy friend will never make you feel like a burden.

  

  With downs come ups, and it feels good to be on the other end of this yo-yo. I know the downs are inevitable, but I’ll take the ups for as long as I can. With the shift in my mood I have had more of a desire to be social, to get out of my comfort bubble of isolation and spend more time with others. I am thankful to have met new pals who enjoy hiking as much as I do, and each “yes” I say when I am invited on a hike helps propel me further forward.

  I turned 32 last week, and while I had big plans of spending every year of my 30’s in Europe, Covid had other plans. Instead I went for a hike with three new pals. A snowy, wet, adventurous, new to me hike. I swear I just turned 30, yet here we are already at 32. The older I get the more I reflect on my life in my 20’s. Somedays I feel I have made zero progress in my life, but each year I make moves in the right direction. I no longer feel the need to “fix” my problems. I am content in diving deep to the roots of what I am feeling.

  The beauty of change.

  

  It’s ok to feel fear. It’s ok to feel anxious. What’s not ok is letting these feelings control you. The beneficial fear is directly related to physical safety, while the rest of it is a result of over thinking, societal conditions, and unresolved trauma from earlier in life. I am finding joy in this process of working through the weeds I have grown in my mind. For so long I have avoided my own mental garden, but how freeing it feels to be so in tune with myself.

  What would happen if we looked at the bigger picture of our lives? If we are feeling more anxious, more fearful, or more down than normal. Are we taking care of our physical body? Have we allowed ourselves to work through any weeds in our minds? Are we spending time with others, in whatever manner works for us with the current state of the world? This is a classic case of what came first, the mental or physical ailments? Small changes in the things we can control have the power to make large changes in the things we cannot.

  I am one year older, but I feel multiple years wiser. I can only imagine this continues to get better as I continue to age.

  

  To anyone out there who feels paralyzed by fear, you are not alone. I challenge you to question the root cause of these feelings, and to filter out what is true and what is conditioned over years of imbalances. Say yes to something that scares you, tell someone how you feel about them, value your worth because you only get one shot at this thing called life.

  We can choose to stay stuck in the shadows, or we can learn to dance in the sun.

  Q: How do you deal with fear?

  

  | 32 Comments Tagged Anxiety, Fear, Hiking, Life, Mental Health

• Pushing Through

  Posted at 5:00 AM by Brittany, on February 2, 2021

  I recently posted a photo on Instagram with a “deep” and somewhat recurring theme for me, something I alluded to in my previous post. The words are ones I have been mulling on for years, but just when I start to lean into these words I get up and run. Typically around the three month mark of being in my hometown, my restless soul is rearing up for another adventure, another escape, another opportunity to outrun my emotions.

  But this time I am still – immobile in the grand scheme of things.

  I realize the reason this theme is so constant for me is because it’s taken me nearly a decade to work through a myriad of life events. I start to dive deep, write a blog post about my feelings, and then I flee before the real work is done. If you’ve been around this space of the internet for a while, you’ll know I’ve shared similar struggles for what feels like lightyears, and I often feel like I am prattling with these posts, but what I wrote on Instagram encompasses what I’ve needed to do for quite some time…

  “Coming back to my hometown is always hard for me. There are emotions and experiences stuck in time here, and when I move away a small part of me is trying to escape them.

  I came back this time because I knew I needed to sit with these feelings, to grieve lost friendships and relationships, to allow myself to fall on my face without the nagging judgmental voice of my ego, and to figure out what I need in order to heal and move forward.

  All of these things are possible anywhere in the world, but I find when I’m off on adventures my focus is elsewhere. So here, in this town I can’t help but feel stagnant and stuck in, I find myself face to face with the same emotions I’m always trying to outrun.

  Call it growth, call it adulting, or simply call it burn out…but I’ve been allowing myself to feel so many things since moving back. It’s not easy, it’s certainly not fun, and there are plenty of times I want to jump in my car and drive far away, but I stay. I stay in these feelings because deep in my heart I know the only way out is through.”

  

  Despite my broken record like posts the last few years, something is different this time. This time I am not running away. I am doing “the work” no matter how uncomfortable it might be. I’ve officially reached the point of no return, and I cannot take this cycle anymore. It’s time to move forward. So I have been spending time with myself in isolation, while also challenging myself to be more social. I struggle with meeting new people, but I know these struggles stem from deep rooted fears most of us experience from childhood.

  I am not great at small talk, the superficial conversations make me uncomfortable and anxious.

  However, I know without these awkward initial engagements with other humans it’s nearly impossible to make friends. So often I dismiss a relationship before it even begins because I hold out for those rare people I click with immediately. I crave long, deep, vulnerable conversations with people who listen and who share parts of their brokenness few others have seen. I’ve only had a few of those people cross my path within the last decade, and as much as I wish all friendships could start this way I do believe some friendships flourish after time.

  Unless you’re an animal. I will forever be the introvert in the corner with the animals. 

  

  Side note: I bought my cat a handmade wool cat cave…and I feel great joy every time he goes inside.

  One of the reasons I chose my current job was because I knew it would be a place of comity, filled with people who like to hike, explore, bike, and whatever else we can get into outside. Despite the common interests in activities like hiking, I still feel anxious when committing to spending time with my coworkers outside of work. Typically when I decide to push myself out of my comfort zone I move across the country…or the world…but right now I am pushing myself to be more social close to home.

  Meeting new people is a crucial part of my healing journey, and it will be impossible for me to rewrite the narratives I have about myself without putting myself out there. 

  I recently went on two hikes with two separate groups of people from work, and both excursions were good not only for my mind and my body, but also for my soul. The first hike I embarked on was one I have done many times before. In fact this used to be one of my favorite solo hikes, making it somewhat ironic I decided to hike this with three other people. While I am not usually a fan of larger groups, having more than one “new” person makes it a bit less overwhelming for me.

  

  I am very picky with my friends, but once I feel comfortable with someone I am an open book. Truthfully I can be an open book right off the bat, if only someone shows a genuine interest. For so much of my life I have been around people who don’t show interest in what I have to say, or they listen just to reply. This has conditioned me to keep to myself, but it has also allowed me to appreciate those special souls I meet who want to hear what I have to say.

  This aversion to other humans is something I have struggled with since the endless gaslighting of a previous relationship, causing me to question everything about myself. 

  This old hike with new friends was a nice push for me to get outside and start breaking open my shell of introversion. The only way to become more comfortable with discomfort is to continue pushing through. Four days later, I agreed to another hike with three guys I work with. This adventure ended up being a full day – 12 miles through mud, snow, flooded trail sections, many downed trees, and it was a blast.

  

  I tend to get along with people of all ages, but I don’t have many friends my own age. I attribute this to the fact I continue to flounder in life while most people my age have “careers.” What I love about my job is the employees range from 18 all the way to late 60’s/70’s. The first group I hiked with I was the youngest, the second I was the oldest, and yet both times were enjoyable for different reasons.

  My soul tends to connect with fellow old souls, and I have discovered physical age has nothing to do with the age of our souls.

  

  As I continue to grow and push myself towards personal melioration I find comfort in the discomfort. Each time my throat tightens up before a night filled with tears, when my chest aches at the thought of a lost love, or when I let go of the obsessive control over my body and what I eat, I feel oddly comforted. I know in these times of pain there is a future of flourishing.

  How joyful we could be as humans if we only took the time to work through our brokenness.

  I’m writing this post to say I am in a place of comfortable discomfort. I don’t know if that makes sense, but despite the underlying anxiety I feel most days, I know I am where I’m meant to be at this moment in time. I am enjoying meeting new people, destroying the false narratives in my mind, and finally allowing moments of the past and present to work their way through my mind. It’s amazing what we can discover if we only take a moment to put away the distractions of life and press the pause button.

  

  So here’s to pushing through. Through the discomfort, through the sadness, through the joy, through the laughter, and through the pain. Being human is one wild ride, but what a blessing it is to have the freedom to explore who we are, and what we need. One step, one day, one minute at a time.

  Q: How are you taking time for yourself lately?

  

  | 23 Comments Tagged Hiking, Life, Reflection

• Early Morning Confessions

  Posted at 5:00 AM by Brittany, on December 29, 2020

  1. I have been struggling to write here for two months. Not because I don’t want to write, but rather everything I want to say feels a bit…heavy. I have instead been spewing these thoughts into my journal and avoiding this space. An Early Morning Confessions post feels an appropriate way to ease back into writing here, while sharing a bit of what’s been going on in my world.

  2. My anxiety lately has been through the roof. I have become quite good at accepting my emotions for what they are instead of trying to “fix” them, but right now I feel like I’m drowning. I am a firm believer that depression and anxiety are simply a way for our body to physically tell us something is out of alignment. I know moving back to my hometown is a large part of this anxiety, but for now I feel the need to sit with it.

  

  3. It has taken me years, and I mean YEARS to get to a place in my life where exercise is no longer a punishment for something I have eaten. I am not perfect in this, and I still have moments of “relapse” with the unhealthy way of thinking, but I have finally begun a morning routine that is almost strictly to manage my anxiety. It’s a wonderful place to be. I have been jogging, and after years of avoiding this activity because of my autoimmune disease it feels good.

  4. I am thankful for my job, and I work for an incredible company, but I grapple with my mind almost everyday before work. I am in an entirely new to me field, and the lack of intuitive knowledge I have makes me extremely uncomfortable. My perfectionism continues to literally kill me. Somehow over the years my ability to work with people has diminished. You would never know if you were to work with me, I am great at wearing a mask, but I long for a job that allows me to work more behind the scenes. Give me a task, and set me free to work on it…alone. 

  

  5. I have been back in Washington for three months, and I miss Germany every single day. The hardest part is that my life in Germany feels like a distant memory, like a foggy dream. I often feel like it never really happened. I didn’t expect to come “home” and talk about this experience 24/7, but I did expect to talk about it. I have talked very little about my life the last two years, and this has left a gaping hole in my soul. The worst part is that even if I were to talk about it, only someone who has experienced a similar cultural shift would truly understand. 

  6. I haven’t ridden my bike since October 20th. A combination of weather and the lack of places to ride near by have given me little to no motivation. I would give anything for one more day on those Bavarian bike paths…

  

  7. In January of 2014 I lost my menstrual cycle. It took me five years of obsessive reading, experimenting, and self discovery to finally put in the work and restore this problem. In December of 2019, after committing to eating more and gaining (a lot) of weight, my cycle returned. This month marks one FULL YEAR of healthy, clockwork consistent cycles. It hasn’t been easy, and my hormones have been WILD, but this process is showing me just how resilient I am.

  8. With that said, I have become obsessed with researching how my cycle affects…everything. My mood, my skin, my physical body. EVERYTHING. The clockwork like cycle has shown me what is normal for me during certain times of the month. If I am in my luteal phase y’all better stand back. 

  

  9. One of the main reasons I decided to stay with my family for a bit was to finally take the time to be still. I needed to allow residual trauma to work its way though my body, find a therapist to have consistent conversations with, and discover what I truly want in my life. I do believe a lot of my anxiety and depression is stemming from this trauma moving around, but I haven’t been diligent in finding a therapist. While this is still an important part of my journey, sitting with the discomfort alone is also necessary. 

  10. Despite everything I have shared in this post, I am doing ok. I am blessed with an amazing family, I have a cat best friend who is glued to my hip, and I have faith that I will continue to walk through this season of life with my head held high. To feel pain is to be human, and running from these emotions only prolongs the healing process. I know a lot of us are struggling more than usual right now with all the chaos of the world, but I hope you find comfort in knowing you’re not alone.

  

  Q: What’s your confession?

  

  | 33 Comments Tagged Early Morning Confessions, Life, Little, Washington

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