1. I have been struggling to write here for two months. Not because I don’t want to write, but rather everything I want to say feels a bit…heavy. I have instead been spewing these thoughts into my journal and avoiding this space. An Early Morning Confessions post feels an appropriate way to ease back into writing here, while sharing a bit of what’s been going on in my world.
Buckle up, we’re diving deep today.
2. My anxiety lately has been through the roof. I have become quite good at accepting my emotions for what they are instead of trying to “fix” them, but right now I feel like I’m drowning. I am a firm believer that depression and anxiety are simply a way for our body to physically tell us something is out of alignment. I know moving back to my hometown is a large part of this anxiety, but for now I feel the need to sit with it.
How I feel on the inside most days.
3. It has taken me years, and I mean YEARS to get to a place in my life where exercise is no longer a punishment for something I have eaten. I am not perfect in this, and I still have moments of “relapse” with the unhealthy way of thinking, but I have finally begun a morning routine that is almost strictly to manage my anxiety. It’s a wonderful place to be. I have been jogging, and after years of avoiding this activity because of my autoimmune disease it feels good.
Slow and steady.
4. I am thankful for my job, and I work for an incredible company, but I grapple with my mind almost everyday before work. I am in an entirely new to me field, and the lack of intuitive knowledge I have makes me extremely uncomfortable. My perfectionism continues to literally kill me. Somehow over the years my ability to work with people has diminished. You would never know if you were to work with me, I am great at wearing a mask, but I long for a job that allows me to work more behind the scenes. Give me a task, and set me free to work on it…alone.
All that said, this job is quite literally keeping me emotionally afloat. Without it I would have zero social interactions, and while I am an EXTREME introvert, human contact is an essential part of life. So I accept the struggle because the consequence of not challenging myself in this new field is far more dangerous than the physical stress I get from any perfectionistic anxiety.
5. I have been back in Washington for three months, and I miss Germany every single day. The hardest part is that my life in Germany feels like a distant memory, like a foggy dream. I often feel like it never really happened. I didn’t expect to come “home” and talk about this experience 24/7, but I did expect to talk about it. I have talked very little about my life the last two years, and this has left a gaping hole in my soul. The worst part is that even if I were to talk about it, only someone who has experienced a similar cultural shift would truly understand.
I have never felt so disconnected and misunderstood as I do right now.
6. I haven’t ridden my bike since October 20th. A combination of weather and the lack of places to ride near by have given me little to no motivation. I would give anything for one more day on those Bavarian bike paths…
7. In January of 2014 I lost my menstrual cycle. It took me five years of obsessive reading, experimenting, and self discovery to finally put in the work and restore this problem. In December of 2019, after committing to eating more and gaining (a lot) of weight, my cycle returned. This month marks one FULL YEAR of healthy, clockwork consistent cycles. It hasn’t been easy, and my hormones have been WILD, but this process is showing me just how resilient I am.
Sometimes we have to go against everything we know in order to get what we want.
8. With the aforementioned fact, I have become OBSESSED with researching a woman’s hormone cycle. This has been incredibly helpful for me in giving myself extra grace during certain phases of my cycle. Hormones are NO JOKE, and I feel wildly in control of my body when I am able to alter my lifestyle depending on where my hormones are throughout the month. I also know that when I am in my luteal phase, aka the week before my period starts, that I am a wreck of a human. If I wasn’t aware of the normalcy of this (happens every single month), I would be frightened by how large of a shift I feel in…everything.
9. One of the main reasons I decided to stay with my family for a bit was to finally take the time to be still. I needed to allow residual trauma to work its way though my body, find a therapist to have consistent conversations with, and discover what I truly want in my life. I do believe a lot of my anxiety and depression is stemming from this trauma moving around, but I haven’t been diligent in finding a therapist. While this is still an important part of my journey, sitting with the discomfort alone is also necessary.
First comes pain, then comes triumph.
10. Despite everything I have shared in this post, I am doing ok. I am blessed with an amazing family, I have a cat best friend who is glued to my hip, and I have faith that I will continue to walk through this season of life with my head held high. To feel pain is to be human, and running from these emotions only prolongs the healing process. I know a lot of us are struggling more than usual right now with all the chaos of the world, but I hope you find comfort in knowing you’re not alone.
My dear sweet mother filled this advent calendar for me to open every day this month. It was so wonderful.
Q: What’s your confession?
