Tag: Early Morning Confessions

• Early Morning Confessions

  Posted at 5:00 AM by Brittany, on July 26, 2022

  1. I am writing this post from Duncan’s apartment where the WiFi is like that of my dreams. Fast like a Starbucks lobby, but comfortable like a hug from an old friend. The WiFi at my place is horrid, and often prevents me from wanting to write anything because of how sSSsLLooOwwWw it is. Little luxuries like this keep the world spinning.

  2. I have had the last two weeks off of work for what was meant to be a vacation, but turned into a staycation. For the first week I was irritable, kicking myself for not having anywhere to go after changing original plans, but during the second week I settled right in. I go back to work today and can’t say I am looking forward to it. I’ve been biking, hiking, sleeping, running, eating, staring at the wall, and reading.

  I’m currently reading A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, and prior to that I finished the book below.

  

  3. With this time away from work, my chronic – year long back pain – has subsided during the second week. I am certain that my job has been contributing to my lack of healing, and I am now game planning my next move. No job is worth breaking my body for.

  4. The heat has hit Washington and it has hit haarrdd. Duncan and I went for a mid morning hike recently that should have been moderate to easy, but it felt hard with the heat. I suppose having Covid two weeks prior made it difficult too, but who knows. The views were great though.

  I don’t know which I preferred, the mountains off yonder or the gray jay’s stealing food out of people’s hands.

  

  

  5. I have a possibly unhealthy attachment to my cat. I feel genuine sadness when I leave him for a night or two. I have always loved the little ball of fur, but lately I feel closer to him. Please live forever. Please let me put you on a leash and come with me on hikes.

  6. I have been more mindful of my Instagram usage lately, and occasionally take days off at a time. The benefits I get from staying off of it outweigh the temporary boredom quell, but recently during one of my allotted scroll times I entered a giveaway for some local GF/V donuts I have been wanting to try. Spoiler: I WON!!!

  I was stoked to get a free six pack of their current seasonal flavors. Half of them were more of a miss, but the other half were tasty. Although I still prefer my Brittany friendly muffins from another local biz.

  

  7. Speaking of Brittany friendly muffins, I woke up Sunday morning to Duncan surprising me with one of these muffins. I told him I wanted a muffin surprise someday, and I didn’t anticipate that day being so soon. It was delicious, despite the fact they initially gave him the wrong muffin. We went back to get the right one.

  8. I found a new road to ride my bike on that gives me backroad farm vibes. Maybe because it is a backroad with farms…but it makes me feel like I am biking in an area that warms my soul which is hard to find where I currently live. I rode there three times in the last week, and I think I have finally found my new spot.

  

  9. I miss the spirit of blogging past. When I first started this blog, I met copious amounts of others both online and in person because blogging was a growing hobby for many. I understand the entirety of this type of social media has changed with the onslaught of Twitter and Facebook and Instagram etc, but sometimes I just miss the community these blogs fostered.

  I also adore when those who still read my blog leave me a comment. Like, it legitimately makes my day. Please be a community with me. I need friends.

  10. I sometimes get sucked into the homebody aura that Duncan exudes, and while this is helpful at times it can also be harmful for me. This past weekend we got out of our bubble and went to a brewery for a friends birthday and played card games with six other humans. We laughed until our bellies ached, and afterwards we ate sushi with the sunset.

  It doesn’t take much, but that evening was a complete recharge for my mental health battery.

  

  Q: What’s your confession?

  

  | 57 Comments Tagged Biking, Donuts, Early Morning Confessions, Hiking, REI

• Early Morning Confessions

  Posted at 5:00 AM by Brittany, on April 19, 2022

  1. Long time no talk. How about a “what’s new” Early Morning Confessions style post? For starters I got a new bike. I actually got a new mountain bike, but then realized I don’t like mountain biking much. I like forest service roads, and I like long distances through designated trails, but I don’t like single tracks.

  Thankfully I bought the bike at REI, and they have a fantastic return policy. So I returned this bike, and bought a new gravel bike instead. Oh, and I also had to order them both online. It’s hard to buy a bike online! The first bike was too big for me, but thankfully my new gravel gal is just right.

  My longest distance with her at one time thus far has been 20 miles. Our love affair is a slow build, as I am still getting used to drop handle bars.

  

  2. Duncan got a new bike too. Same story. Bought a mtn bike, and changed to gravel. We now have the same exact bike. I made sure we got different pedals though, we can’t be exactly the same after all. I now have three bikes, and I officially understand the n+1 problem when it comes to owning bikes…

  3. Speaking of Duncan, he and I went to a cat cafe recently and it was so unbelievably enjoyable. I’ve been wanting to do something like that for a while now, and we started small with a cafe close-ish to home. Seattle has a few bigger cafes we might visit in time, but Catffeinated was a great intro.

  

  4. I have been an absolute tornado in the kitchen the last month. Winter blues always bite me in the backside causing me to feel temptations I don’t normally feel during the warmer months, but it’s worse when I start to feel stagnant. I know this about myself – I start feeling a need for change and when I don’t make a change my brain starts to allow my body to take less care of itself.

  5. Case in point.

  

  6. Legendary Doughnuts was visited after the cat cafe, and inhibitions were down after an hour of kitty time. Duncan bought a dozen doughnuts and I decided to YOLO that day. What I am about to say next will be shocking, so brace yourself.

  We ate all but maybe 2 donuts in one day. ALL OF THEM.

  I know I need to go easy on myself when these splurges happen, but it can be hard to completely let go of food anxiety. At the end of the day I do not regret consuming my body weight in gluten filled pillows of sugar heaven, but it did take me 48 hours to feel like I could function normally. The joy’s of a 30 something with food sensitivities.

  7. Despite my tornado like behavior, I think my consistent activity helps to thwart any drastic changes to my body after these caloric surpluses. Hiking and biking are my best of friends. And Duncan, he is my best of friend too.

  

  

  8. At the end of March I had the stomach flu for 24 hours, and it was the most brutal experience I have endured in a very long time. I would rather have Covid again, than to ever puke for 8 hours straight. The lingering effects lasted for a few days, but I am thankful I didn’t have weeks of recovery like some do.

  9. I have the itch to work a seasonal job again, somewhere in the deep heart of Alaska, or Wyoming. I am not entirely against this idea, but I also have the itch to build a tiny little life in a tiny little space in a tiny little town with my tiny little cat in a tiny little hat.

  

  10. One week from today, Duncan and I will have been dating for a year. I am flabbergasted by this, for so many reasons. Perhaps I will write a post dedicated to Duncan and I, and some of our back story, but for now I say this – I am beyond blessed to have someone like him in my life. Swoon.

  Q: What’s your confession?

  

  | 32 Comments Tagged Biking, Duncan, Early Morning Confessions, Hiking

• Early Morning Confessions

  Posted at 5:00 AM by Brittany, on February 2, 2022

  1. I have been longing to sit and write for weeks, but I haven’t been able to get the words onto this page. I can’t seem to coherently form a proper post, therefor I am going to put my thoughts into an EMC post. This feels like the easiest way for me to word vomit back into blog land after being gone for a month and a half.

  2. I’ve been feeling incredibly “off” lately. Typical winter blues you could say, but pair this with the Brittany typical “what’s next” and you’ve got yourself an anxiety cocktail fit for a king. It started with a week of being housebound after a big snowfall giving me too much down time. Ohhh how I loathe down time.

  Winter is meant to be a time of reflection, and a time of pause. I try to remind myself this when I feel like I should be doing more. The stalemates I suspect a lot of us are feeling are completely normal this time of year. Soon enough the spring flowers will bloom, and the birds will sing.

  Until then, I hope to honor this season for what it is.

  

  3. I have amazing coworkers who helped me get to work after the snow hit, and I am incredibly thankful for people like them in my life. At the same time, I am feeling wildly out of place around most people right now. I feel like a black sheep among white sheep, and I am in dire need of a drastic change of some sort.

  The hard part is that I haven’t pinpointed exactly what I need yet.

  4. A few weeks ago I went for a 3 mile run. Nothing out of the ordinary. It felt a bit difficult, but I was able to manage a 10:31 pace. I felt slightly off the rest of the day, but chalked it up to a Sjögren’s flare. I woke up the next morning feeling like I was drunk.

  Spoiler: I had Covid.

  

  5. I have since recovered, and I was only immobile for the first 24 hours, but I still have some symptoms that I have deemed to be typical of most people. While in the throes of being sick my main symptoms were fatigue beyond fatigue (which is saying a lot from someone who already struggles with fatigue), a terrible headache the first day, a 24hr fever, and a lingering pressure off and on for a week making me feel foggy.

  Hmmm…sounds an awful lot like my autoimmune flareups.

  The hardest part was not bouncing back like I usually do when sick. When I am having a flareup, I know what I can do to get back to a baseline comfort. With this, I was unable to speed up the process. I had to wait it out. I still feel more tired than usual most days, and my typical activities wear me out quicker. I am thankful to have had “mild” symptoms in the grand scheme of it all, I know not everyone is so fortunate.

  I am slowly trying to build my endurance back up to what it was before I was chosen as a host for the virus.

  6. Sickness aside, I only managed to go on two hikes in the last two months, and I am certain my lack of outdoor time has affected my mental health. I went for a 5 mile snow hike back before Christmas (a photo of the camp shed is shared above), and I went for a 5 mile backyard hike last week. Last weeks hike was mild on paper, but thanks to the Rona hangover I was tired after half of it.

  

  

  7. I have been spending less time on social media lately. No matter how hard I try I find myself feeling worse after I spend time on any social media platform (except this one.) I deactivated my FaceBook account many months ago, but Instagram has always had its claws in me. I go on once every few weeks, but I don’t want to spend too much time watching other people live their lives, I want to live my own.

  8. Less time online gives me more time in the present feeling thankful. I am thankful for my body/immune system and its ability to fight off gross viruses (I attribute this to my lifestyle, and while I often get annoyed by my autoimmune disease, without it I wouldn’t be so strict with my diet), I am thankful for my cat – he was the best company while I was in quarantine, I am thankful for my family, and I am thankful for my boyfriend.

  Duncan and I grew closer the last month despite the fact we had to spend multiple weeks apart.

  

  9. My purpose with posts like this are to highlight the reality of life. I love sharing my adventures, but I haven’t had many lately, and sometimes life is heavy. I think it’s important to share everything so that we can all remember we are not alone. Life feels like a Groundhog Day right now, and I know I am not alone in this.

  10. Despite everything I have mentioned in this post, I know I am right where I am meant to be. My only goal for this year is to continue fighting the fear I have regarding the world. I sometimes don’t even know who I am anymore. I went from the girl who hiked mountains solo, traveled to places like Italy, Slovenia, and Poland alone, moved multiple times impulsively…to the girl who is at times fearful going for a run out her front door.

  I am hoping some soul searching will help me find my bravery again. Either way I am learning, and either way I am growing.

  

  Q: What’s your confession?

  

  | 25 Comments Tagged Early Morning Confessions, Life, Mental Health, Running

• Early Morning Confessions

  Posted at 5:00 AM by Brittany, on October 25, 2021

  1. I went for the most glorious bike ride recently with my favorite human, and I am still riding the high. We biked nearly two hours through the woods and my soul will be swooning for many days to come. I rode the bike I bought in Germany for the first time since March, and it was like having coffee with an old friend.

  

  2. Somehow I have been at REI for a year now. I told myself I would get this job until I figured out what was next, but it appears the world is still in proverbial flames, so for now this continues to be what’s next.

  3. We have approached the most wonderful hiking time of the year. Fall is my absolute favorite (along with most people I speak to), and the cooler weather, crunchy leaves, and autumn colors fill my cup in a way that cannot be done by summer rains.

  We’ve got backyard hikes…

  

  

  We’ve got far away hikes…(Mount Rainier)

  

  

  And of course we’ve got the hikes that are worthy of their own blog posts.

  4. I have recently been introduced to “walking in…” videos on YouTube. Basically you can find most any city you want to see someone walk around, and it is oddly satisfying and meditative. The first one I watched was the town I lived in DE, and it was a mixed bag of emotions. Highly recommend.

  5. Running has been so good to me. I continue to surprise myself by how far I have come with regard to this sport. For many years I ran for all the wrong reasons, causing burn out and overwhelm. I now run for my mental health, and watching my pace slowly get faster is just an added perk. I used to think anything above a 10 minute mile was slow, but I am humbled as it has taken me six months to find this pace again.

  

  

  6. Last September I moved back into my childhood home, and I was determined to only stay a short while. I have had moments of motivation to find my own space, but they continue to be fleeting. I find such comfort in staying with my mom and my sister, and I currently need this comfort more than I realized.

  7. Before I moved back to America I made a list of things I was going to miss about Germany, and a list of things I was looking forward to about being back in my home state. One thing I was looking forward to was taking a bite of my favorite muffins, muffins I hadn’t had since 2017 or 2018.

  It took me a full year, but I finally indulged in a muffin…twice.

  

  8. Ever since I hurt my back a few months ago it has never been the same. I have had the most obnoxious and annoying sciatica discomfort for weeks, and the only thing that helps is vertical movements (ironically running helps shake it out the most), and horizontal resting. Sitting down on my bum is a sure fire way to a game over.

  I have never felt more my age than I do now.

  9. After eight years of (comfortable and content) singledom I guess my heart isn’t as black as I thought, and after six months of dating I guess I am ready to properly introduce Duncan to blogland. Time spent with him in a corn maze, and picking out pumpkins is time well spent. ❤

  

  

  

  10. Every year when fall rolls around I feel twinges of grief with regard to my “former life.” Life before food sensitivities and autoimmune disease, life before anxiety and overthinking, life when I didn’t have to meticulously plan out my daily activities or meals. I have moments of jealousy towards those who can indulge in all the pumpkin and cinnamon treats without repercussions, but at the end of the day I am reminded why I choose to live the way I do. Feeling well far surpasses a pumpkin bagel with cream cheese. Alas, sometimes a splurge is necessary.

  Q: What’s your confession?

  

  | 35 Comments Tagged Biking, Early Morning Confessions, Hiking, Pumpkin, REI, Running

• Early Morning Confessions

  Posted at 5:00 AM by Brittany, on August 9, 2021

  1. One month ago I had my best run since I started running again. I didn’t run far, and I didn’t run fast, but the combination of my distance and my pace showed progress from when I first restarted back in March. I was riding a high my entire drive home, and I was excited for the runs to come.

  

  2. Just a few short hours after this run, I was helping my mom clean out her garage. I was feeling amazing, and I was very motivated to get a lot done, so my movements were quick and I wasn’t being very mindful. I attempted to lift a bag of concrete, immediately causing me to keel over from a twinge I felt in my back.

  One slipped disc, endless days of sciatic pain, a week off of work, lots of dark moments alone with my thoughts, and 4 weeks later I am finally able to walk without pain.

  I’d be lying if I said taking a month off of running (or anything physical) didn’t make me incredibly sad, and the thought of having to “start over” again is overwhelming, but I know if I did it once I can do it again. Don’t forget to lift with your knees kids, and don’t ever attempt to lift a bag of concrete.

  3. About a week before my back injury I went for my first solo hike in a looonnggg time. It was a trail I had done many times, and it wasn’t anything crazy, but I had forgotten how therapeutic it is for me to walk in the woods alone.

  

  4. I’ve been home from my vacation for a month and a half now, and I already want to go on a another one. Sigh.

  5. Speaking of vacation, I spent so much time focusing on Glacier and the Sawtooth’s I never shared the very first hike I went on in Kalispell, MT. A cute little backyard hike with a cute little view.

  

  6. I think a couple of my coworkers dislike me, but I have reached the point where I genuinely don’t care.

  7. The master technician at my work has a liking for slugs the same way one would have a liking for cats, or dogs. Anyone who knows me knows I have a phobia of slugs, so you can understand my struggle each time I walk into the shop and am met with a slug calendar.

  Month after month I am forced to avoid eye contact with these grotesque creatures, all the while dodging laughs from my coworkers about my unique phobia.

  It’s all in good fun, and while I truly detest the calendar, I thought it would be funny to play a prank on my coworker. The last day of July I printed a photo of my face to put onto the slug body for the month of August, so that when he flipped the page to see what he considers to be “cute”, he would instead be met with my face. It was unbelievably difficult for me to actually touch the photo, but it was so worth it.

  

  8. Someone once told me putting bananas in the fridge helped to prolong their life. Makes sense, so I started doing it. I can now only eat bananas if they are fresh out of the fridge. The flavor change of a cold banana is unbelievably delicious. Cold bananas > room temp bananas.

  9. I went for my first bike ride in over a month last week after my back finally started feeling better, and I was honked at by an asshole driver. I was already having a rough week, so this hand to the horn gesture might have made me cry. I will neither confirm nor deny that…Either way it was great to get back on the saddle.

  Five days later I rode 22 miles. I’d say we’ve officially healed from the above mentioned chaos that was a back injury.

  

  10. I’m sick of summer. I am so ready for cooler weather, pumpkin patches, crunchy leaves, and sweater season. Fall please hurry up.

  Q: What’s your confession?

  

  | 34 Comments Tagged Biking, Early Morning Confessions, Hiking

• Early Morning Confessions

  Posted at 8:00 AM by Brittany, on May 17, 2021

  1. 90% of my days I am content with myself, my dietary needs, and my “have to be mindful of everything I do” lifestyle, but the other 10% I get really fu@&ing mad about it. What I would give to eat without overthinking, to push my heart rate over 170 without my body rebelling, or to honor my cravings without repercussions.

  2. Somewhere over the course of a few years my cat started to show signs of aging. By aging I mean he had one white whisker that stood out among all the black whiskers. One day, this white whisker fell out. I correlate this whisker loss with when human children loose their first tooth. So I saved the whisker.

  The white whisker has since grown back, and I find great joy in looking at it.

  

  

  3. When I moved back to America I did not have a handful of essential items. One item in particular was a laundry basket. Instead of buying a laundry basket, like a normal fully functioning human adult would do, I started using a box I had shipped my belongings in as a laundry basket. Seven months later and I still use the box.

  4. I recently spent a full day with two amazing humans who I met while I was living in Germany. One girl lives about two hours away from me, and the other girl, who used to be one of my roommates, was visiting for the weekend. I still struggle relating to anyone with regard to my life living abroad, and spending time with two people who “get it” was refreshing.

  We spent the first half of the day exploring Deception Pass, a beautiful area of my home state I had regrettably never been to.

  

  

  

  

  That last photo has some strong Cliffs of Moher vibes…if you know, you know.

  5. I changed my windshield wipers for the first time in…almost a decade. I’m one of those people who pushes their limits with life. Eating trigger foods, going for a hike alone, traveling to a new country by myself, jumping off a mountain with nothing but a parachute, leaving my windshield wipers on for far too long…you know, the usual.

  My wipers were at the point where they were audibly crying each time I used them. When I was driving solo, it didn’t phase me. When I was driving with another human, it became annoying. With some motivation and help from a pal, a YouTube tutorial, and a trip to O’Reillys – the deed has been done.

  Naturally the entire process was much easier than I anticipated.

  6. DejaVu was in full effect on a recent hike I embarked on. When I chose a trail for my hiking pals and I to explore, I had a feeling I had been there before. Sure enough I had, and I blogged to tell the tale. A lovely, wet 10 mile tromp through the woods with two cool dudes.

  

  

  7. In one month I am taking a two week road trip to Montana and Idaho, and I couldn’t be more excited. I’m visiting Glacier NP, and hiking a bit in the Sawtooth Wilderness. Any and all recommendations welcomed.

  8. When I was younger I spent two summers at Fort Flagler with one of my friends and her family. I remember this place feeling so far away, and it was possibly the highlight of each of those years. I have revisited this area twice in the last month, and it’s just as cool now that I am an adult. Instead of riding a cheap bike in circles around the camp site all day, I now spend hours lying on the beach frying my skin while eating entire packages of dried mangoes.

  Just when I start getting complacent about living where I am, I am reminded of Washington’s beauty. Life is good.

  

  9. I found myself applying to random jobs lately due to some regression in my mindset. I really enjoy the freedom I have working with REI, but I felt the societal pressure to “do more.” Why can’t I just enjoy the flexibility without the pressure to follow societies molding of success? I have since stepped back to remind myself why I choose to live the way I do. #societalnormsbedamned.

  10. I have started running again. This is my favorite confession of the entire post. I never thought this day would come, and to be honest I wasn’t sure if I would even want to start running again. Towards the end of my previous running journey I got complacent. I no longer ran because I enjoyed the run, I ran to keep my body an unnaturally small shape. My running became a chore, an added stressor to my already overtaxed immune system, and ultimately a catalyst in my Sjogrens Syndrome diagnosis.

  So I stopped running.

  Over the last year I have had the itch to pick it back up, but this time for a much healthier reason. Nothing controls my anxiety quite like running. My mornings now start with a short (and slow) run just to shake out my brain crazies, and it makes my day so much better. I no longer care about distance, or pace, or comparisons, I just care about moving. It will take time for me to build my base back to where it was (or maybe I never will and that’s ok), but I finally enjoy running for the pure joy of running.

  

  Q: What’s your confession?

  

  | 24 Comments Tagged Autoimmune Disease, Beach, Cats, Early Morning Confessions, Hiking, PNW, Running

• Early Morning Confessions

  Posted at 5:00 AM by Brittany, on April 5, 2021

  1. I shared my love of cemeteries in a previous EMC post, and the love is still alive and well. I visited an abandoned cemetery recently with graves of people who were born in the 1800’s and it was unbelievably cool. I’m convinced my pal who took me here thinks I’m crazy, but I assure you there is beauty almost everywhere.

  

  

  2. I had my first ever edible at the ripe old age of 32 (sorry mom and dad). It made me extremely sleepy after a few hours, but I have never been so in tune with the movement of walking in my life. I presume this is what The Buddha felt on his quest to enlightenment. 

  3. I recently took a trip to a town I used to adore. The town is no longer what it used to be, and while I am sad about it, I also appreciate change in every way, shape, or form. In typical Brittany fashion, I find this scenario to be like a metaphor for life. At least the lake still looks good, I spent many emotional days running around this lake.

  

  

  4. Last April I started journaling regularly to help me express my emotions better, and I have now been journaling for a full year. What an amazing outlet. I don’t journal daily, but oh boy there is some intense stuff written on those pages.

  5. On that note, I have become so in tune with my emotions lately, while sitting with my cat the other day I literally started crying while looking at him. I have so much love for him it sometimes physically pains me to imagine him not in my life. 94.591% of my anxiety revolves around him having another emergency. 

  

  6. I have been working reallllyy hard to live more of a “good enough” life rather than a “everything must be perfect” life. Life is TOO SHORT TO BE STRESSED OUT.

  7. I busted out my hybrid bike a couple times last week and had one of the best rides I’ve had in months. I had fleeting thoughts about selling it upon my return, but I am so thankful I didn’t. While riding it I had the biggest snot rocket fail of my entire life. It was awful. And messy.

  The more I learn about bikes and different quality features, the more I want to upgrade to the next level in the hybrid hierarchy, but I adore this Cannondale so much I cannot let her go just yet.

  

  8. I go out of my way to ensure I spell someones name right when I am writing it in some form. I also find it somewhat impersonal when someone spells my name wrong. I literally have no idea why I care so much.

  9. I’ve been obsessed with German music lately – German rap, German pop, German folk. I still find comfort in hearing German, and it reminds me of every time I would leave Germany to visit another country. I felt like the odd man out anywhere else that didn’t speak English, yet upon my return to Germany I always felt safe. 

  I have very loose plans (I’ve paid a small deposit) to visit Scotland and Germany in summer of 2022, and I cannot wait to walk around Garmisch without the stress of having to work. 

  

  10. I used to loath the idea of getting older. Being in my 30’s felt like a death sentence, when in reality I am still so incredibly young. Being in my 30’s is like being in my 20’s, but caring so much less about what everyone around me thinks. This new decade of life is like obtaining a free super power, and only those who have hit this milestone truly know what I am talking about. 

  Q: What’s your confession?

  

  | 45 Comments Tagged Biking, Early Morning Confessions, Olympia

• Early Morning Confessions

  Posted at 5:00 AM by Brittany, on December 29, 2020

  1. I have been struggling to write here for two months. Not because I don’t want to write, but rather everything I want to say feels a bit…heavy. I have instead been spewing these thoughts into my journal and avoiding this space. An Early Morning Confessions post feels an appropriate way to ease back into writing here, while sharing a bit of what’s been going on in my world.

  2. My anxiety lately has been through the roof. I have become quite good at accepting my emotions for what they are instead of trying to “fix” them, but right now I feel like I’m drowning. I am a firm believer that depression and anxiety are simply a way for our body to physically tell us something is out of alignment. I know moving back to my hometown is a large part of this anxiety, but for now I feel the need to sit with it.

  

  3. It has taken me years, and I mean YEARS to get to a place in my life where exercise is no longer a punishment for something I have eaten. I am not perfect in this, and I still have moments of “relapse” with the unhealthy way of thinking, but I have finally begun a morning routine that is almost strictly to manage my anxiety. It’s a wonderful place to be. I have been jogging, and after years of avoiding this activity because of my autoimmune disease it feels good.

  4. I am thankful for my job, and I work for an incredible company, but I grapple with my mind almost everyday before work. I am in an entirely new to me field, and the lack of intuitive knowledge I have makes me extremely uncomfortable. My perfectionism continues to literally kill me. Somehow over the years my ability to work with people has diminished. You would never know if you were to work with me, I am great at wearing a mask, but I long for a job that allows me to work more behind the scenes. Give me a task, and set me free to work on it…alone. 

  

  5. I have been back in Washington for three months, and I miss Germany every single day. The hardest part is that my life in Germany feels like a distant memory, like a foggy dream. I often feel like it never really happened. I didn’t expect to come “home” and talk about this experience 24/7, but I did expect to talk about it. I have talked very little about my life the last two years, and this has left a gaping hole in my soul. The worst part is that even if I were to talk about it, only someone who has experienced a similar cultural shift would truly understand. 

  6. I haven’t ridden my bike since October 20th. A combination of weather and the lack of places to ride near by have given me little to no motivation. I would give anything for one more day on those Bavarian bike paths…

  

  7. In January of 2014 I lost my menstrual cycle. It took me five years of obsessive reading, experimenting, and self discovery to finally put in the work and restore this problem. In December of 2019, after committing to eating more and gaining (a lot) of weight, my cycle returned. This month marks one FULL YEAR of healthy, clockwork consistent cycles. It hasn’t been easy, and my hormones have been WILD, but this process is showing me just how resilient I am.

  8. I bought an advent calendar from Starbucks back in the day, one that could be reused, any my mom refilled it this year. I had something to open everyday and it brought such joy to my days.

  

  9. One of the main reasons I decided to stay with my family for a bit was to finally take the time to be still. I needed to allow residual trauma to work its way though my body, find a therapist to have consistent conversations with, and discover what I truly want in my life. I do believe a lot of my anxiety and depression is stemming from this trauma moving around, but I haven’t been diligent in finding a therapist. While this is still an important part of my journey, sitting with the discomfort alone is also necessary. 

  10. Despite everything I have shared in this post, I am doing ok. I am blessed with an amazing family, I have a cat best friend who is glued to my hip, and I have faith that I will continue to walk through this season of life with my head held high. To feel pain is to be human, and running from these emotions only prolongs the healing process. I know a lot of us are struggling more than usual right now with all the chaos of the world, but I hope you find comfort in knowing you’re not alone.

  

  Q: What’s your confession?

  | 33 Comments Tagged Early Morning Confessions, Life, Little, Washington

• Early Morning Confessions

  Posted at 2:00 PM by Brittany, on June 11, 2020

  1. There is an old farm house I have passed many times when I go for bike rides, in the middle of a beautiful open field. Every time I pass by, I see a little old German man sitting with his goats. He has a beer in his hand, a straw hat on his head, and weeks worth of filth overalls on his tiny frame. He is the most adorable depiction of Bavaria.

  I passed by recently and gave him a quick “German nod” of hello (it’s such a common way to acknowledge people here) and it made my day. 

  

  Of course the one time I take a photo, he is on the other side. But also I would not have been so bold had he been sitting there with the goats on his green bench.

  2. I am notorious for taking scissors to the back of my head when I start to feel my hair flipping. Quarantine was no exception, and I snipped a good amount of hair from the bottom. It’s never even, and it always looks terrible.

  When I finally got a haircut, the woman who snipped my hair was laughing and making fun of me in her native language (I believe she is middle eastern), but it was great. She’s veracious with her gestures towards me, but it’s all in good fun. I have had my hair cut by her twice now, and it’s never a dull time despite the intense language barriers.

  3. For someone who used to be so hyper-focused on exercise being a form of achievement, never slowing down to smell the roses, I am proud of how I often approach biking these days. I have to be mindful of my intentions still, but even if my intentions aren’t pure I have no problem hopping off my bike for a moment to snap a photo.

  And if I see a cat? It’s game over and I am off my bike for at least five minutes. 

  

  

  Or livestock…basically if I see an animal I have the potential of touching I am off and trying to summon them to me.

  

  4. I don’t eat bread much, or any grains really (unless I want to suffer the consequences), but I have been eating a lot of nut butters lately. They’re hit or miss for me, but I try to put them on something so I don’t get lost with my spoon in the jar. I put them on weird things. My latest enjoyment is smothering hardboiled eggs or potatoes with cashew butter.

  5. I have mentioned this before, but I really, really enjoy cemeteries. I don’t know what it is about them, but the peaceful energy brings such stillness to my soul. Sometimes I will go to one near where I live and just sit.

  

  

  

  Getting some major fall vibes here.

  6. I am a new member of the seasonal allergies club, and I would like my money back. I have never had these before, but I have now experienced the non stop watering/itchy eyes, itchy nose, and intense sneezing. I made it to 31 before the darkness came.

  7. When I first moved to Germany, I told myself I would hike the tallest mountain in the country – which happens to be in my backyard. A year and some change later I still have not hiked the Zugspitze, and my interest has faded. Mountains in Germany are crazy, and there are too many sheer rock walls for my liking.

  And a Klettersteig? Count me out. 

  

  8. I haven’t been to the dentist in over two years. Thankfully I have always had a healthy smile (except for that root canal I got because of an unknown gaping hole in my jaw which turned out to be a mandibular cyst), but two years without a cleaning is too long. I have an appointment next month.

  9. My roommate MaryBeth has moved on to her next chapter of life, and I miss her terribly. She is still in Germany, so if I get the itch and the time off I can still go see her, but it’s not the same. I am thankful for all our adventures together, including our last few hikes, bike rides, and coffee dates.

  

  

  Seen on our ride: “Stay healthy.”

  

  “Happy Easter 2020.”

  

  Final photo with this trifecta, now it’s just Laura (green and blue stripes) and I!

  

  

  Last coffee date in our room, in a bricki!

  10. In my last EMC post I talked about how I cleaned my bike and oiled my chain. This time I talk about how I tightened and readjusted my bike breaks. Me, I, myself. I YouTubed it and fixed them and I feel like a bike boss.

  Q: What’s your confession?

  

  | 25 Comments Tagged Bavaria, Brittanys Life Abroad, Coffee, Early Morning Confessions, Germany

• Early Morning Confessions

  Posted at 2:00 AM by Brittany, on May 21, 2020

  1. I had a temporary crisis when my favorite chicken shop closed its doors for a week because of the Coronavirus. I frequent this shop for rotisserie chicken multiple times a week, and their delicious birds are a staple in my diet.

  They have since reopened, and the world is spinning again. 

  

  2. I like to travel light when I am visiting new places, and when I stay at hostels (which doesn’t happen much any more, Air B & B for the win) I don’t bring a towel. If the hostel doesn’t provide free towels, I use the pillowcases. Perks of short hair.

  3. I’ve done some foraging lately for dandelion greens, and will ride my bike to a field of flowers to pick them. (I could never do this in the states, glyphosate is real y’all.) I wash them, and then I eat them. This makes me feel like a witch doctor, and I love it.

  

  

  4. I received a ticket in England back in October, for driving in a bus lane. I fought the ticket, won, but was still charged a fee from the rental company. It took me eight months, but I finally got the processing fee back from the rental company. PERSISTENCE.

  5. I noticed a mural on the side of the Partenkirchen fire department building while out for a bike ride recently, and I stopped to admire the chiseled looking man in the painting. If all the firemen looked like this I’d likely be arrested for arson. He’s lacking in the pogonotrophy department, but I can let it slide. Only in Bavaria will firemen look like Greek Gods.

  

  6. I also got a ticket in Italy, for driving in a restricted zone (back in September!) The ticket is still in the rental company’s name (they’re supposed to send the place in Italy my information) and I don’t intend to tell them to do so. So for now, I don’t have a ticket.

  7. I’ve attempted jogging a few times the last couple weeks, and continue to be reminded why I stopped running. It was a pathetic sight, and it was painful, so I’ll stick to biking. At least my views were amazing.

  

  8. I am a sucker for numbers, specifically money numbers. Whenever I embark on nomadic adventures, I like to keep track of how much money I have pocketed (net income after all expenses) while exploring the world. I came to Germany on a 15 month contract, so these numbers reflect 15 months of life (I stopped counting at the end of my original contract/when Corona ran rampant.)

  I honestly only hoped to break even while here (travel ain’t cheap) so any growth in my savings account/IRA/401K is a win! Keep in mind I work in a coffee shop…so we ain’t bringing in the big bills working here. (Hence why a strong savings account is essential for nomadic adventures.)

  15 months of income: $25,596.94

  15 months of expenses: $18,278.70

  Net income after 15 months: $7,318.24

  15 new countries, 15 months of non stop travel, 15 months of eating all the food – I essentially made $7k while traveling Europe. (OK, I also worked my ass off, but you get the idea.)

  9. I mentioned this in a previous post, but I’ll say it again. I washed my bike…in my bathtub. She was in need of a wash, and I don’t have access to an outdoor hose…so I carried her up three flights of stairs into my room. That first bike ride post wash felt like pedaling on butter. 

  

  10. I miss my cat so much sometimes I feel physical pain. I miss my family too, but I have an overwhelming anxiety that he will die while I am not with him. Is this what love is?

  11. When I make coffee, I make it in a beer glass. I buy coffee that is finely ground, and brew a makeshift French press/pour over of sorts (without the filter.) I put the coffee into the glass with cinnamon, pour hot water over it, stir it, let it sit, and then pour it. The coffee sinks to the bottom perfectly and I am left with zero waste of a filter, and don’t have to invest in a French press. Innovative coffee making 101. 

  

  12. I then dump said coffee grounds down the toilet. I like to think it helps clean the toilet pipes?

  (Update: I have since stopped dumping my grounds, but that dumping lasted for weeks. Kein Stress.)

  Q: What’s your confession? 

  

  | 28 Comments Tagged Brittanys Life Abroad, Coffee, Early Morning Confessions

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