Author Archives: Brittany

• Early Morning Confessions

  Posted at 5:00 AM by Brittany, on April 5, 2021

  1. I shared my love of cemeteries in a previous EMC post, and the love is still alive and well. I visited an abandoned cemetery recently with graves of people who were born in the 1800’s and it was unbelievably cool. I’m convinced my pal who took me here thinks I’m crazy, but I assure you there is beauty almost everywhere.

  

  

  2. I had my first ever edible at the ripe old age of 32 (sorry mom and dad). It made me extremely sleepy after a few hours, but I have never been so in tune with the movement of walking in my life. I presume this is what The Buddha felt on his quest to enlightenment. 

  3. I recently took a trip to a town I used to adore. The town is no longer what it used to be, and while I am sad about it, I also appreciate change in every way, shape, or form. In typical Brittany fashion, I find this scenario to be like a metaphor for life. At least the lake still looks good, I spent many emotional days running around this lake.

  

  

  4. Last April I started journaling regularly to help me express my emotions better, and I have now been journaling for a full year. What an amazing outlet. I don’t journal daily, but oh boy there is some intense stuff written on those pages.

  5. On that note, I have become so in tune with my emotions lately, while sitting with my cat the other day I literally started crying while looking at him. I have so much love for him it sometimes physically pains me to imagine him not in my life. 94.591% of my anxiety revolves around him having another emergency. 

  

  6. I have been working reallllyy hard to live more of a “good enough” life rather than a “everything must be perfect” life. Life is TOO SHORT TO BE STRESSED OUT.

  7. I busted out my hybrid bike a couple times last week and had one of the best rides I’ve had in months. I had fleeting thoughts about selling it upon my return, but I am so thankful I didn’t. While riding it I had the biggest snot rocket fail of my entire life. It was awful. And messy.

  The more I learn about bikes and different quality features, the more I want to upgrade to the next level in the hybrid hierarchy, but I adore this Cannondale so much I cannot let her go just yet.

  

  8. I go out of my way to ensure I spell someones name right when I am writing it in some form. I also find it somewhat impersonal when someone spells my name wrong. I literally have no idea why I care so much.

  9. I’ve been obsessed with German music lately – German rap, German pop, German folk. I still find comfort in hearing German, and it reminds me of every time I would leave Germany to visit another country. I felt like the odd man out anywhere else that didn’t speak English, yet upon my return to Germany I always felt safe. 

  I have very loose plans (I’ve paid a small deposit) to visit Scotland and Germany in summer of 2022, and I cannot wait to walk around Garmisch without the stress of having to work. 

  

  10. I used to loath the idea of getting older. Being in my 30’s felt like a death sentence, when in reality I am still so incredibly young. Being in my 30’s is like being in my 20’s, but caring so much less about what everyone around me thinks. This new decade of life is like obtaining a free super power, and only those who have hit this milestone truly know what I am talking about. 

  Q: What’s your confession?

  

  | 28 Comments Tagged Biking, Early Morning Confessions, Olympia

• Seasons

  Posted at 5:00 AM by Brittany, on March 24, 2021

  Have you ever noticed how beautiful the world becomes when a new season begins? It’s as if somehow the earth knew us humans were beginning to get complacent, or unmotivated by a certain time of the year. With the flip of a switch a new scent in the air, or the rise and fall in temperatures brings forth a new perspective.

  I’ve spent all of my years living in places with four seasons, and I cannot imagine living somewhere without them.

  My favorite season is fall, I love everything about a crisp October morning with frost on the grass and sun in the sky. A cool spring breeze follows close second, and summer makes me want to fall in love. Winter on the other hand is the season I find most difficult. Winter is cold, dark, gloomy, and often brings in waves of the SAD’s.

  This winter however, I found myself in surprisingly high spirits. 

  

  Winter hikes.

  Perhaps it was due to the fact I spent more time outdoors than I typically do in the winter months, perhaps it was because I spent more time with other humans, or perhaps it was because just as the seasons of weather change, so too do the seasons of life. I am at the tail end of one season, paving my way into a new one, and this season of life feels slightly more optimistic than the last.

  I became quite good at isolating myself over the last handful of years, a natural response to emotional upheavals. It took me years to notice my behavior, and while I still find great value in spending time alone, I began to feel the pull towards human connections earlier last year. My goal upon returning to America was to put this pull into play by pushing myself to be more social.

  

  Trail rides with fellow bike enthusiasts.

  As an introvert spending time alone is essential, especially with a job like mine where I am constantly engaging (superficially) with others. In contrast, as a human it is also essential to spend time with others – time of connection through shared interests, deep conversations, belly laughter, and daydreams. I’m not good at expressing my “need” for other people, but as I get older I get better at expressing these needs.

  Without the season of winter (or whatever season you enjoy the least), it would be hard to fully value the seasons I love so dearly. Change brings forth growth – growth of life on earth, and growth of life within ourselves. Walking through the more uncomfortable seasons allows for a deeper appreciation of the more uplifting ones. Literally and figuratively.

  The painfully cold hikes covered in snow, albeit beautiful, help me cherish the warmth of spring hiking.

  

  

  As I move into a new earthly season as well as a new life season I have one quote hanging around the forefront of my brain helping me to progress forward: “one day at a time.” It can be so easy for me to fall into the comparison trap of where I “should be” in my life, but really there is no right or wrong place to be. Each job, each relationship, and each experience helps mold us for the next season of life.

  In order to take full advantage of these lessons we must embrace each season we are in. 

  I have high hopes for the spring and summer months to come. I see grand adventures, deeper friendships, newfound knowledge, and further personal edification. I hope to be a source of encouragement for those who are stuck in a stormy season of life. There will always be an end to the storm, as long as we continue walking through it.

  

  Q: What’s your favorite season? 

  

  | 25 Comments Tagged Hiking, Life, Spring

• Things I’m Loving Lately

  Posted at 5:00 AM by Brittany, on March 8, 2021

  Despite the fact I do not follow a Catholic faith, I decided to partake in Lent this year. I was raised Catholic, but I have moved towards more of a relaxed Christian faith that I am happy with. Still, I have participated in Lenten fasts in the past, but this year was different. This year I genuinely wanted to give up something to challenge myself on more of a mental and spiritual level, rather than a physical one.

  This year, I have given up social media.

  My blog has never been a space where I can escape from reality, so my presence here is “allowed” and encouraged. Instead I have given up Instagram and Facebook, one of which I can easily get lost on for hours looking at photos from strangers I will never meet. Initially I thought this would be difficult. I thought my addiction to the mindless escape of scrolling on Instagram would be a painful missing piece of my mental distraction repitour, but what I have found has been the complete opposite.

  Rather than curling up in a corner scratching at my face for the next fix, I am more present on here. I am more present with myself, I am writing more, and I feel calmer. My eating habits have been more balanced, my mood has been stable, and my sleep has been better. I’ve spent more time reflecting on deep thoughts as well as superficial “fun” thoughts.

  Thoughts that have inspired this post. Thoughts of random things I am enjoying lately. Let’s dive in, shall we?

  

  • I am enjoying wearing a Garmin watch without the obsession.

  I will forever have a soul tie to my OG Garmin Forerunner 110, but he is no longer with us. I bought that watch in 2011, and we made it through many, many runs together. What I loved most about the 110 was the fact that it didn’t have any bells and whistles. No calorie counts, no step counts, no heart rate counts, it was just a watch that turned into a GPS when you asked it to.

  I have avoided a new Garmin because of the bells and whistles. As someone who struggled with an exercise addiction and disordered eating it can be hard to separate from that extra data. If the day of movement wasn’t perfect it was bad news. So I stopped wearing anything, I stopped tracking movement, and I did the unthinkable – I intentionally gained weight and spent many days inactive. I truly believe this temporary hiatus helped me to have a more balanced approach to exercise.

  I now use a Forerunner 45, one of the more basic watches with just the right amount of bells and whistles. RIP to Gary my Forerunner 110 shown below.

  

  • I am enjoying new work skillz.

  I finally know how to change my own bike tire/tube. I’ll never forget the time I got a flat tire years ago. It was my rear tire aka the “entering Mordor tire” with regard to taking it on and off. I was successful in getting the tire off, took it into REI to fix, and everything was going great. Until I couldn’t get the tire back on.

  I accepted my failures and asked one of my neighbors for his help, a neighbor I had never spoken to in my life. I knew he rode bikes so I figured it was worth it to ask. He was most helpful, and as a thank you I baked him (and his family) cookies and gave them a pound of coffee (back when free coffee was up to my neck.) I left it on their porch and never heard anything.

  I hope his wife didn’t think I was hitting on him. Awkward.

  

  • I am enjoying spending money.

  Hear me out on this one…I am one of the most frugal people you will ever virtually meet. I hoard my money like I am preparing for some kind of apocalypse, and it’s honestly a bit ridiculous at times. I rarely if ever buy myself something, and it takes me a long time to justify a purchase unless I “need” it. Although “need” is such a relative term.

  I refuse to fall prey to consumerism, but I have been spending more money on myself lately. Buying nicer hiking gear, buying an extra pair of shoes, the aforementioned Garmin, etc.

  I will never forget something a small southern man I used to work with in Germany told me. We were talking about my frugality one day, and I was telling him about all the ways I tried to cut costs while traveling (like using a hostel pillowcase for a towel, perks of short hair), and he looked at me and said: “you cannot take your money to the grave.”

  Ever since then I’ve been more mindful about letting myself live a little. I can’t take it to the grave.

  

  • I am enjoying my obsession with “Happy Healthy Hippie – Go With The Flow Hormone Balance.“

  If you have been around these parts for a while, you will know I have a bit of a “crunchy granola” approach to most things in my life. I avoid pharmaceuticals, I rarely wash my hair, I spent an entire summer without wearing deodorant, I try to eat mostly whole foods, and shaving my legs is an afterthought to…everything.

  When my menstrual cycle returned after being gone for five years, I knew something was still off. My hormones were ALL OVER the place. Being the professional obsessor that I am, I spent far too much time on the Google trying to find out what was going on, until one day I decided I had to do something because my PMS symptoms were taking over my life. I know that sounds dramatic, but I am completely serious.

  No this post is not sponsored, however it SHOULD be. This blend is literally just a mix of herbs so I knew I had nothing to loose. And let me tell you…I have lost nothing and GAINED some of my sanity back.

  

  • I am enjoying winter hiking.

  I never imagined I would be someone who enjoyed hiking in the winter months. As someone who struggles with Raynaud’s I tend to avoid being outside in cold temps for long periods of time. Not only have I enjoyed winter hiking, my extremities have not fallen off like I anticipated they would.

  

  

  My hiking pals and I took a trip to the Hoh Rainforest last week, a place I hadn’t visited since I was 17. The last time I took a trip to the Hoh was for a team building weekend with my dad and a group of others who were all planning a trip to Mexico for a mission trip. All I remember from 17 year old Brittany’s experience was hating the five mile hike to our camp site, hundreds of thousands of black slugs, and being stuck with people I didn’t mesh with.

  Ultimately the mission trip was amazing, and it was all worth while.

  

  Now that I am an adult, and I enjoy hiking, five miles in (and five miles out) is no big thing. We hiked (or rather walked, this area is very flat) to “Five Mile Island” where we enjoyed some snacks and views before heading back. Lush green trees, mossy rocks, waterfalls, ferns large enough to engulf an elk, and rivers rushing loud enough to lull any white noise lover to sleep.

  Worth the three hour drive, five hour walk, and three hour drive back.

  

  Life without social media feels good. I am reading more, I am listening to amazing music, I am daydreaming about people and places and adventures to come. When Lent comes to an end I plan to be more intentional with my time spent online. Life feels good right now, and I am enjoying this whole “one day at a time thing.”

  After all, today is all we have.

  Q: Have you ever taken a significant break from social media?

  

  | 43 Comments Tagged Biking, Garmin, Hiking, Hormones, Lent, Life, PNW

• Duckabush River Trail

  Posted at 5:00 AM by Brittany, on March 1, 2021

  When I first started hiking more consistently in 2014, I spent most of my time exploring the Cascades of Washington State. I dabbled a bit in the Olympics, but not nearly as much as the Cascades. My first consistent hiking partner lived in Seattle, an area much closer to the Cascades, so I would meet him in the city and we would go from there.

  Occasionally he would come to my side of the water where the Olympics are, but we both felt more of a draw towards the Cascades.

  Then my hiking partner moved, I couldn’t find any other willing participants, and I began hiking alone. My mountain range of choice was still the Cascades, because somehow I felt more comfortable hiking there alone. In the beginning of my solo hiking endeavors I spent a lot of time on trails I was already familiar with, but eventually explored some new to me trails as well.

  Fast forward many years, and I have spent more time in the Olympics this past month than I did in all of 2014.

  

  I have managed to weasel my way into a somewhat consistent group of hiking pals, and these adventures have quickly become a highlight of my week. I have recently seen three new areas of the Olympics, places I would never go if I were alone. There is something deep, and vast about the Olympics.

  This isn’t a bad thing, but there is an eerie energy about these mossy trees and muddy trails that give the feeling of complete isolation.

  

  In a group setting the strong sound of a raging river, or the absolute silence of wide open woods is welcomed. Alone, these auditory stimulations are a quick reminder of just how small we are in these endless mountains of trees and terrain. I have shared a few photos from my hikes the last month in previous posts, but today I share a proper trail report.

  The latest mountain adventure took my pals and I to the Duckabush River Trail, a 10.5 mile moderately rated hike deep in the heart of the Olympics. The early bird not only catches the worm, but also catches a good parking spot. Although hiking in the winter months on less populated trails will also help with that. All of the hikes I’ve done the last month have had little to no other humans around for miles.

  I’m stoked to have friends who also believe in the power of an early start, it can be like pulling an abscessed tooth with some people convincing them to get a head start.

  

  

  This trail starts out mostly flat with a bit of a down hill grade, weaving in and out of large lichen covered trees and a few small stream crossings. Despite the fact we were hiking in February, the trail conditions were excellent. Nothing a good pair of waterproof shoes cannot combat. It’s somewhat comical to think I have been hiking for as long as I have, and only recently purchased a pair of waterproof shoes.

  I still wear trail runners though, because I am adamantine with footwear and cannot commit to the extreme discomfort of a hiking boot.

  The weather was moody and wet for the first half of our hike, and despite the trail name there was only a small section that hugged parallel with the river. The terrain was ever-changing and the cooler temps were a welcomed reprieve when we reached some quick, but steep switchbacks bringing us to an expansive view of the valley below.

  I’m much quicker when the external temperature is cold, I give off heat like a personal portable furnace.

  

  

  Our first vantage point was a large rock fit for baby Simba, and we stopped to appreciate the view. After the switchbacks to this rock the trail is moderate again, moving onto the backside of the mountain we had just climbed. Endless rows of burned trees guided us down towards our destination next to the river. We encountered a small amount of snow on the backside of the hike, but nothing my Salomon trail runners couldn’t handle.

  Upon arrival at the river we sat and savored a snack before making the trek back to the car.

  The sit at the river brought my core temperature lower than comfortable, and I was quite chilly as we ate our snacks. As if by the Grace of God when we started our walk back the clouds dispersed and the sun came out to play. We were much quicker on the way back, per usual, and managed to finish the hike in a little over six hours. I appreciate the desire to stop and savor the views along the way, as well as the focus to get back to the car after we’ve seen all there is to see.

  

  

  This group of pals reminds me of the three solid guy friends I hiked with regularly while I was living in Yellowstone, one of which was my absolute savior during those intense but amazing months in the wilderness.

  When the spring and summer months arrive, I plan to spend more time in the Cascades. The sweeping peaks of those mountains are a welcomed challenge, one that will remind me of how fortunate I am to have found a balance in living life with an autoimmune disease. Each day brings forth new challenges, but I have dialed down what I need in order to keep up with these three hooligans, or any others I embark into the mountains with.

  Until then, I will relish in these lowland hikes through the woods of the Olympics. A forest unlike any other I have seen.

  

  Q: Are you a fan of winter hiking?

  

  | 27 Comments Tagged Hiking, Olympic Mountains, PNW, Washington

• Filtering Fear

  Posted at 5:00 AM by Brittany, on February 22, 2021

  I am an anxious person. This is not news, but as I continue to navigate my way through life I continue trying to find the “why” behind my feelings/emotions/behaviors. Fear and anxiety are hardwired into our psychology for good reason – these intuitive emotions help to protect us from dangerous situations. Fear can act as a motivator to prepare us for the unexpected, but fear can also act as a paralytic.

  My fear has somehow evolved over time from a healthy and mindful reminder of my boundaries, to an unkempt field of weeds.

  The thing about me is that while I acknowledge that I am anxious and overly fearful at times, I am also actively working against myself to determine what is real, and what is not. I am quite literally filtering through my fears. What is causing me to feel anxious most of the time is a false reality somehow skewed by my experiences over time. When we try to repress these thoughts or feelings we continue to stay stuck in an unhealthy cycle, making poor choices along the way. When we acknowledge these thoughts or feelings we grow.

  I choose to swim through these thoughts rather than allow them to drown me.

  

  Life experiences play a large role in our mental health, but I truly believe that a significant amount of our dysphoria is reflective of our physical bodies as well. Hormonal imbalances, and digestive distresses are key factors in our mental health. The gut is referred to as our second brain for a reason, the close knit inner workings of our true brain and our guts are very real. What we think we feel, and what we feel we think.

  The reason we feel like we need to rush to the bathroom when we are nervous, or when we feel a pain in our stomach when we are afraid, is all relative to these homeostatic relationships within our bodies.

  I have a borderline obsession with researching the topic of physical and mental health correlations, and the knowledge I have gained has me often wanting to scream the benefits of proper nutrition and lifestyle from the tallest mountain. Sometimes though, these basic humanistic necessities aren’t enough to balance our inner beings, and we need a little help from external sources. My hormones have been out of whack for an unreasonable amount of time, and I recently decided to experiment with a herbal hormone balancing blend.

  I am blown away by the results.

  

  For the first time in what feels like lightyears I feel balanced. I feel stable. I feel less anxious and less “down.” I’m not saying this is a magic bullet, but I do believe in the power of nature helping to bring us back to our factory setting. My mood the last month has been lighter, I have been more sociable, I have been more empathetic, more compassionate. I have been more…whole.

  My fear is still hanging around, but most of the scenarios in which I feel fearful are realistic.

  Examples of appropriate fear I have recently felt are: not wanting to drive in the snow, and challenging the idea of a hike in the snow. Snow and I are not good pals. I once got lost for hours on a hike because of snow, and I have slid too many times on the roads because of snow. Examples of inappropriate fear I have recently felt are: fear of rejection, and wanting to cancel on friends because I fear being a burden. Spoiler alert – a worthy friend will never make you feel like a burden.

  

  With downs come ups, and it feels good to be on the other end of this yo-yo. I know the downs are inevitable, but I’ll take the ups for as long as I can. With the shift in my mood I have had more of a desire to be social, to get out of my comfort bubble of isolation and spend more time with others. I am thankful to have met new pals who enjoy hiking as much as I do, and each “yes” I say when I am invited on a hike helps propel me further forward.

  I turned 32 last week, and while I had big plans of spending every year of my 30’s in Europe, Covid had other plans. Instead I went for a hike with three new pals. A snowy, wet, adventurous, new to me hike. I swear I just turned 30, yet here we are already at 32. The older I get the more I reflect on my life in my 20’s. Somedays I feel I have made zero progress in my life, but each year I make moves in the right direction. I no longer feel the need to “fix” my problems. I am content in diving deep to the roots of what I am feeling.

  The beauty of change.

  

  It’s ok to feel fear. It’s ok to feel anxious. What’s not ok is letting these feelings control you. The beneficial fear is directly related to physical safety, while the rest of it is a result of over thinking, societal conditions, and unresolved trauma from earlier in life. I am finding joy in this process of working through the weeds I have grown in my mind. For so long I have avoided my own mental garden, but how freeing it feels to be so in tune with myself.

  What would happen if we looked at the bigger picture of our lives? If we are feeling more anxious, more fearful, or more down than normal. Are we taking care of our physical body? Have we allowed ourselves to work through any weeds in our minds? Are we spending time with others, in whatever manner works for us with the current state of the world? This is a classic case of what came first, the mental or physical ailments? Small changes in the things we can control have the power to make large changes in the things we cannot.

  I am one year older, but I feel multiple years wiser. I can only imagine this continues to get better as I continue to age.

  

  To anyone out there who feels paralyzed by fear, you are not alone. I challenge you to question the root cause of these feelings, and to filter out what is true and what is conditioned over years of imbalances. Say yes to something that scares you, tell someone how you feel about them, value your worth because you only get one shot at this thing called life.

  We can choose to stay stuck in the shadows, or we can learn to dance in the sun.

  Q: How do you deal with fear?

  

  | 32 Comments Tagged Anxiety, Fear, Hiking, Life, Mental Health

• Pushing Through

  Posted at 5:00 AM by Brittany, on February 2, 2021

  I recently posted a photo on Instagram with a “deep” and somewhat recurring theme for me, something I alluded to in my previous post. The words are ones I have been mulling on for years, but just when I start to lean into these words I get up and run. Typically around the three month mark of being in my hometown, my restless soul is rearing up for another adventure, another escape, another opportunity to outrun my emotions.

  But this time I am still – immobile in the grand scheme of things.

  I realize the reason this theme is so constant for me is because it’s taken me nearly a decade to work through a myriad of life events. I start to dive deep, write a blog post about my feelings, and then I flee before the real work is done. If you’ve been around this space of the internet for a while, you’ll know I’ve shared similar struggles for what feels like lightyears, and I often feel like I am prattling with these posts, but what I wrote on Instagram encompasses what I’ve needed to do for quite some time…

  “Coming back to my hometown is always hard for me. There are emotions and experiences stuck in time here, and when I move away a small part of me is trying to escape them.

  I came back this time because I knew I needed to sit with these feelings, to grieve lost friendships and relationships, to allow myself to fall on my face without the nagging judgmental voice of my ego, and to figure out what I need in order to heal and move forward.

  All of these things are possible anywhere in the world, but I find when I’m off on adventures my focus is elsewhere. So here, in this town I can’t help but feel stagnant and stuck in, I find myself face to face with the same emotions I’m always trying to outrun.

  Call it growth, call it adulting, or simply call it burn out…but I’ve been allowing myself to feel so many things since moving back. It’s not easy, it’s certainly not fun, and there are plenty of times I want to jump in my car and drive far away, but I stay. I stay in these feelings because deep in my heart I know the only way out is through.”

  

  Despite my broken record like posts the last few years, something is different this time. This time I am not running away. I am doing “the work” no matter how uncomfortable it might be. I’ve officially reached the point of no return, and I cannot take this cycle anymore. It’s time to move forward. So I have been spending time with myself in isolation, while also challenging myself to be more social. I struggle with meeting new people, but I know these struggles stem from deep rooted fears most of us experience from childhood.

  I am not great at small talk, the superficial conversations make me uncomfortable and anxious.

  However, I know without these awkward initial engagements with other humans it’s nearly impossible to make friends. So often I dismiss a relationship before it even begins because I hold out for those rare people I click with immediately. I crave long, deep, vulnerable conversations with people who listen and who share parts of their brokenness few others have seen. I’ve only had a few of those people cross my path within the last decade, and as much as I wish all friendships could start this way I do believe some friendships flourish after time.

  Unless you’re an animal. I will forever be the introvert in the corner with the animals. 

  

  Side note: I bought my cat a handmade wool cat cave…and I feel great joy every time he goes inside.

  One of the reasons I chose my current job was because I knew it would be a place of comity, filled with people who like to hike, explore, bike, and whatever else we can get into outside. Despite the common interests in activities like hiking, I still feel anxious when committing to spending time with my coworkers outside of work. Typically when I decide to push myself out of my comfort zone I move across the country…or the world…but right now I am pushing myself to be more social close to home.

  Meeting new people is a crucial part of my healing journey, and it will be impossible for me to rewrite the narratives I have about myself without putting myself out there. 

  I recently went on two hikes with two separate groups of people from work, and both excursions were good not only for my mind and my body, but also for my soul. The first hike I embarked on was one I have done many times before. In fact this used to be one of my favorite solo hikes, making it somewhat ironic I decided to hike this with three other people. While I am not usually a fan of larger groups, having more than one “new” person makes it a bit less overwhelming for me.

  

  I am very picky with my friends, but once I feel comfortable with someone I am an open book. Truthfully I can be an open book right off the bat, if only someone shows a genuine interest. For so much of my life I have been around people who don’t show interest in what I have to say, or they listen just to reply. This has conditioned me to keep to myself, but it has also allowed me to appreciate those special souls I meet who want to hear what I have to say.

  This aversion to other humans is something I have struggled with since the endless gaslighting of a previous relationship, causing me to question everything about myself. 

  This old hike with new friends was a nice push for me to get outside and start breaking open my shell of introversion. The only way to become more comfortable with discomfort is to continue pushing through. Four days later, I agreed to another hike with three guys I work with. This adventure ended up being a full day – 12 miles through mud, snow, flooded trail sections, many downed trees, and it was a blast.

  

  I tend to get along with people of all ages, but I don’t have many friends my own age. I attribute this to the fact I continue to flounder in life while most people my age have “careers.” What I love about my job is the employees range from 18 all the way to late 60’s/70’s. The first group I hiked with I was the youngest, the second I was the oldest, and yet both times were enjoyable for different reasons.

  My soul tends to connect with fellow old souls, and I have discovered physical age has nothing to do with the age of our souls.

  

  As I continue to grow and push myself towards personal melioration I find comfort in the discomfort. Each time my throat tightens up before a night filled with tears, when my chest aches at the thought of a lost love, or when I let go of the obsessive control over my body and what I eat, I feel oddly comforted. I know in these times of pain there is a future of flourishing.

  How joyful we could be as humans if we only took the time to work through our brokenness.

  I’m writing this post to say I am in a place of comfortable discomfort. I don’t know if that makes sense, but despite the underlying anxiety I feel most days, I know I am where I’m meant to be at this moment in time. I am enjoying meeting new people, destroying the false narratives in my mind, and finally allowing moments of the past and present to work their way through my mind. It’s amazing what we can discover if we only take a moment to put away the distractions of life and press the pause button.

  

  So here’s to pushing through. Through the discomfort, through the sadness, through the joy, through the laughter, and through the pain. Being human is one wild ride, but what a blessing it is to have the freedom to explore who we are, and what we need. One step, one day, one minute at a time.

  Q: How are you taking time for yourself lately?

  

  | 23 Comments Tagged Hiking, Life, Reflection

• Early Morning Confessions

  Posted at 5:00 AM by Brittany, on December 29, 2020

  1. I have been struggling to write here for two months. Not because I don’t want to write, but rather everything I want to say feels a bit…heavy. I have instead been spewing these thoughts into my journal and avoiding this space. An Early Morning Confessions post feels an appropriate way to ease back into writing here, while sharing a bit of what’s been going on in my world.

  2. My anxiety lately has been through the roof. I have become quite good at accepting my emotions for what they are instead of trying to “fix” them, but right now I feel like I’m drowning. I am a firm believer that depression and anxiety are simply a way for our body to physically tell us something is out of alignment. I know moving back to my hometown is a large part of this anxiety, but for now I feel the need to sit with it.

  

  3. It has taken me years, and I mean YEARS to get to a place in my life where exercise is no longer a punishment for something I have eaten. I am not perfect in this, and I still have moments of “relapse” with the unhealthy way of thinking, but I have finally begun a morning routine that is almost strictly to manage my anxiety. It’s a wonderful place to be. I have been jogging, and after years of avoiding this activity because of my autoimmune disease it feels good.

  4. I am thankful for my job, and I work for an incredible company, but I grapple with my mind almost everyday before work. I am in an entirely new to me field, and the lack of intuitive knowledge I have makes me extremely uncomfortable. My perfectionism continues to literally kill me. Somehow over the years my ability to work with people has diminished. You would never know if you were to work with me, I am great at wearing a mask, but I long for a job that allows me to work more behind the scenes. Give me a task, and set me free to work on it…alone. 

  

  5. I have been back in Washington for three months, and I miss Germany every single day. The hardest part is that my life in Germany feels like a distant memory, like a foggy dream. I often feel like it never really happened. I didn’t expect to come “home” and talk about this experience 24/7, but I did expect to talk about it. I have talked very little about my life the last two years, and this has left a gaping hole in my soul. The worst part is that even if I were to talk about it, only someone who has experienced a similar cultural shift would truly understand. 

  6. I haven’t ridden my bike since October 20th. A combination of weather and the lack of places to ride near by have given me little to no motivation. I would give anything for one more day on those Bavarian bike paths…

  

  7. In January of 2014 I lost my menstrual cycle. It took me five years of obsessive reading, experimenting, and self discovery to finally put in the work and restore this problem. In December of 2019, after committing to eating more and gaining (a lot) of weight, my cycle returned. This month marks one FULL YEAR of healthy, clockwork consistent cycles. It hasn’t been easy, and my hormones have been WILD, but this process is showing me just how resilient I am.

  8. With that said, I have become obsessed with researching how my cycle affects…everything. My mood, my skin, my physical body. EVERYTHING. The clockwork like cycle has shown me what is normal for me during certain times of the month. If I am in my luteal phase y’all better stand back. 

  

  9. One of the main reasons I decided to stay with my family for a bit was to finally take the time to be still. I needed to allow residual trauma to work its way though my body, find a therapist to have consistent conversations with, and discover what I truly want in my life. I do believe a lot of my anxiety and depression is stemming from this trauma moving around, but I haven’t been diligent in finding a therapist. While this is still an important part of my journey, sitting with the discomfort alone is also necessary. 

  10. Despite everything I have shared in this post, I am doing ok. I am blessed with an amazing family, I have a cat best friend who is glued to my hip, and I have faith that I will continue to walk through this season of life with my head held high. To feel pain is to be human, and running from these emotions only prolongs the healing process. I know a lot of us are struggling more than usual right now with all the chaos of the world, but I hope you find comfort in knowing you’re not alone.

  

  Q: What’s your confession?

  

  | 32 Comments Tagged Early Morning Confessions, Life, Little, Washington

• One Month in America

  Posted at 7:10 AM by Brittany, on October 29, 2020

  I have been back in America for a little over a month now, and to say the transition was smooth like butter would be false. Physically my flight home was uneventful, I managed to weasel my way back into my home country unscathed during this chaotic pandemic, but emotionally I am not feeling whole.

  I left Germany a week earlier than planned due to an outbreak of Coronavirus at the hotel I was working. 20+ staff members tested positive, and after receiving a negative result I felt the need to get out. I have never been so thankful to be a recluse. (The spread occurred during a night of partying among my irresponsible peers.)

  I managed one last long bike ride before I left, something I wouldn’t realize how badly I needed until after I returned home.

  

  The most stressful part about moving, aside from the emotional turmoil, was deconstructing, packaging, and shipping my bike. I had wanted to attempt taking the bike apart on my own, but when I couldn’t remove the pedals (the easiest part) I began to panic.

  I contemplated leaving the bike, I have a tendency to quit when I get overwhelmed.

  By the grace of God my housing manager came to my rescue and not only helped me take it apart (he had to call for backup with the pedals), but he helped me box it and then drove me to the post office. In typical Brittany fashion I didn’t know how to handle this act of kindness.

  I continuously offered to pay him, and thanked him endlessly.

  

  There are many things I am not good at, and accepting help without some form of payment in return is one of them. I feel like a bother when someone goes out of their way to help me, and this was a good test for me to just accept the act of kindness.

  With the bike boxed and shipped I was able to enjoy my final day in Bavaria.

  

  

  I wish I could say leaving Garmisch was easy. I wish I could say coming home felt like walking into a warm hug, or drinking a cup of my favorite coffee, but it wasn’t and it didn’t. I am thankful and fortunate to be with my family right now, and I am so happy to see them, but my heart aches for a life in Bavaria.

  Leaving Germany was a hard decision. My job was not a good fit for me, the environment in which I was living was toxic, and being away from my family in the midst of the American chaos was hard. I knew deep down I needed to take a step back and reevaluate what was next for me.

  Now that I am back, the numbness that had slowly begun to develop within the last year has grown.

  

  I have been aware of the missing piece to my emotional puzzle for a while now, but I am still searching for it. I am taking each day as it comes and finding pockets of joy along the way. Biking was once my therapy, and this is what I miss the most about Bavaria. When my bike made it to America I nearly cried. Just like seeing an old friend.

  And to think I almost left her behind…

  

  Sadly the bike paths here are…well…non existent. I know there are some out there, but I am not finding anything comparable to Bavaria. I have accepted that biking here will be different, but my motivation to ride has been at an all time low. I currently live near endless roads filled with cars, something of a damper with regard to biking.

  Change is never easy, but we go through the motions nonetheless. I know how easy it is to fall into a slump, so I have been keeping myself busy in order to combat too much down time. All the while honoring my emotions – the good, the bad, and even the ugly.

  I have spent time with an old pal, a comfort comparable to biking. We walk, we talk, we hike, we do fall activities.

  

  

  

  I have spent time with family, we share meals, we do fall activities, we sit in silence with each other.

  

  

  I have spent time in the mountains, gone on walks with my sister, read books, and journaled my thoughts.

  

  

  I got a job, because despite the fact I had planned to just “be” for a minute upon my return, the American society will forever be embedded in my soul and I felt like a bum being back for a week without a job.

  These things keep me busy until I figure out what’s next. Or maybe this is what’s next. I don’t know. What I do know is the act of not knowing is normal. Accepting this is the first step to emotional freedom. I am here, I am well, I am blessed, and I am alive.

  

  I miss Germany everyday. Something about returning to my hometown always makes me feel a bit stagnant. It’s not that the town is terrible, I’ve just outgrown it. It’s not my town, but at this rate I don’t know if I really have “a town.” My town is wherever I happen to be at this moment in time.

  I will forever be thankful for my last six months in Germany. Without the shutdowns and restrictions I never would have biked as much as I did. I may be on a temporary biking break, but this will be a sport I carry with me for life. At the end of the day words cannot describe how happy I am to be away from the toxic work/living environment, and to be back with my cat.

  It’s not all sad news over here.

  Q: How are you holding up? I know we’re also still in a pandemic, which only adds to the emotional turmoil. We’re all in this together. 

  

  | 36 Comments Tagged Bavaria, Brittanys Life Abroad, Change, Fall

• Tre Cime di Lavaredo

  Posted at 5:00 AM by Brittany, on September 30, 2020

  Three years ago I wrote a post about the time I visited the Cliffs of Moher, a place I had once seen in a photograph and immediately became enamored by. Today I am going to share another location I finally had the chance to see in real time after seeing a photograph many years prior. I don’t remember the first photo I saw of the Italian Dolomites, but I remember seeing the jagged rocks and lush green valleys knowing I had to visit.

  I’m sad to say I lived in southern Germany (THREE hours away from the Dolomites) for nearly two years, and it wasn’t until the very end of my time that I made the Dolomites a priority. I moved back to Washington two Fridays ago (a sudden decision to leave a week earlier than planned), but not before squeezing in a long awaited (and definitely not the last) trip to the Dolomites.

  

  

  My last day of work was 09 Sept, and my favorite travel pal MaryBeth and I rented a car on 11 Sept and set off for a weekend away in Italy. The Dolomites are huge, and I had no idea where to begin, so I chose one of the most popular trails for an introduction to the Dolomites. The Tre Cime di Lavaredo loop is walked by many, but for good reason.

  The ever-changing landscape truly showcases a little bit of everything. I am amazed by the beauty of these Italian Alps.

  MaryBeth and I chose a quaint hotel to stay at within a 30 minute drive to our hike of choice. We chose this hotel because of the free breakfast, which did not disappoint. Due to our friend Covid, breakfast wasn’t buffet style like the photos implied, but this was probably for the best. Too many chocolate croissants and I’d have to be rolled up the mountain, but boy is there something magical about Italian espresso and a chocolate croissant. We arrived on Friday early enough to settle in, and to prepare for our full day of exploring.

  

  

  After our breakfast on Saturday we made our way to the trail head. The drive was about 30 minutes, and thanks to my prior research I was prepared for the 30 euro toll fee in order to drive the road to the trail. I assume this has to do with the popularity of the trail, but if you really don’t want to pay the fee you can park and walk (or take a bus.) I typically entertain the idea of walking, but I’m thankful we didn’t.

  This would have been a rough end to our hike.

  We began our trek around 0945, after a handful of minutes searching for the clockwise entrance to the trail head. I had read to follow the trail in the opposite direction than most because the views are better. I couldn’t find the trail, so we decided to walk the traditional route. After completing the loop I can agree the views would have been better going the opposite way, but at the end of the day the views are amazing regardless. I realized after we finished the hike that we had parked right next to the opposite end of the trail where I would have wanted to start. So close.

  

  

  The beginning of this trail starts flat, a casual walk along the base of the above pictured peaks. If you look closely you can see humans scattered along the trail, something we had to maneuver around the entirety of the hike. Usually when I hike on a trail that is covered with people I get irritated, but this trail is too beautiful to care. It’s unavoidable. After a short while we arrived at our first of many forks in the road, and our first of many mountain huts along the way. From here we continued on the trail, taking the quick, but steep route to our first vantage point.

  

  

  After our first wee climb, we stopped at the top of the hill to savor the views below. From here we could see our next destination, a hut off in the distance with a taste of home name. The Dolomites are so close to Germany, that everything in the area is in both Italian and German. Tre Cime is also known as Drei Zinnen, which both translate to three peaks. Our next destination on the loop was to the Drei Zinnen Hütte.

  

  As we began approaching the hut, we heard a man speaking over a loud speaker. MaryBeth heard the man say something about a man from France, and first place, from which we deduced there was a mountain race going on! I absolutely love watching people run, and the predominant demographic of these mountain runners were over the age of 50, and a lot of them were women. To say I was inspired is an understatement.

  We sat to watch the runners, and soaked up the infectious energy near the hut for a bit, all the while we savored the stunning view of the surrounding alpine lakes. 

  

  

  Upon arrival at the Drei Zinnen Hütte coming from a counterclockwise loop (the popular route) is where we found the first real expansive view of the three peaks in all their glory. I am not a climber, and I don’t think I ever will be (my few experiences on very thin and sketchy trails have proven this to me), but I can only imagine what the views are like from the tops of those peaks. The weather was perfect this day, a mix of sun and slight overcast.

  

  

  

  After admiring the superhumans running up this mountain, we began our descent down into the valley to bring our loop towards a circle. We took our time the entirety of this hike to ensure we soaked up as much of the view as possible. The route isn’t overly difficult to follow, but I was glad to have read a few blogs in order to know which route to follow. The trails branch off in multiple directions, but I knew as long as the three peaks were close on our left we were on the right path.

  

  

  

  The elevation changes on this trail aren’t anything to write home about, but the final stretch did have a decent dip down followed by an equally decent incline. MaryBeth was wearing shoes that were hurting her feet, and I was wearing Teva sandals. My choice of footwear was mostly due to the fact I didn’t want to buy new shoes right before I was leaving, and slightly due to the fact I like to test my boundaries when it comes to exploring in those sandals.

  There were a few moments I clung to the inner edge of the trail just to avoid slipping, but overall the trail was moderate. I do not regret my choice of footwear, and if I had to do it again I would. 

  

  

  

  From here the trail was chill the remainder of the way. Overall the entirety of the loop is just over 6 miles, but with all of our stops and savors we didn’t get back to our car until 15:30, around six hours later. I could not have asked for a better introduction to the Dolomites, this day was absolutely perfect. The end of our hike showcased why walking the trail clockwise would have been a more expansive view.

  

  

  

  

  

  

  We arrived back at our hotel to shower and rest before heading out for a meal of gnocchi and pizza (and wine for MB!) Can you really go to Italy without having any or all of those? I think not. I will daydream of this final European adventure (for now) for months to come. My decision to move back to America was not an easy one, but for the time being was the right one.

  I don’t know what’s next for me, but I do know I’ll be back to the Dolomites as soon as I can. 

  

  Q: What’s one place you are dying to visit after seeing a photograph of the location? 

  

  | 20 Comments Tagged Brittanys Life Abroad, Dolomites, Hiking, Italy

• Schloss Elmau und Das Kranzbach

  Posted at 5:00 AM by Brittany, on September 21, 2020

  A few months ago I rode my bike to the final town on my “must bike to” list, and during that adventure I discovered another area I wanted to bike to. I should know that a list like this is impossible to truly have an end, especially in an area like Bavaria. My energy was limited when I originally discovered this new location, so I tucked it into my brain archives for another day.

  Fast forward three months, while trying to decide where to bike on a day off, this location was revived from the archives.

  

  This beautiful building is called Schloss Elmau, “a magical sanctuary of the Bavarian alps”, and let me tell you…this place is indeed a magical sanctuary. I had heard of this resort and wellness center from some of my colleagues, but I had no idea what to expect.

  I needed a destination for my bike ride, and this seemed like a good fit. The ride to the resort climbs a decent hill, and I was a bit of a sweaty mess by the time I arrived. I thought for certain the people would notice how out of place I looked, but once I walked around the corner from the front of the building I was quickly sucked into another world.

  

  From the front of the resort I would have never guessed how vast the backside was. This location has seemingly endless land, and just when you think the land ends it drops down and there is more. Pools, yoga sanctuaries, lawn chairs, restaurants, a children’s park, tennis courts, and miles of mountain views.

  I knew nothing of this place, but quickly discovered this was the location of the 2015 G7 Summit – which means nothing to me other than world leaders from multiple countries (including my home country) came here to meet and discuss important topics. Naturally I had to find the bench Obama sat on while having an important looking conversation with Angela Merkel.

  

  

  The bench is a bit weathered now, and there are some lawn chairs with orange umbrellas in the distance, but this is the bench. I sat and waited to see if I felt any kind of powerful surge, but decided to go lay on one of those lawn chairs when nothing happened. I arrived around 1400 in the afternoon, and there were plenty of other humans out and about enjoying the amenities of this beautiful resort. 

  I rested on the lawn chair for about 30 minutes before leaving to head back home. I spent a few of those 30 minutes looking up how much a room cost, because I’d love to take my mom here someday, and with the two night minimum I had better start selling my soul in order to sleep here. You’d better believe if I am spending upwards of 600 euros to stay here that I will be spending all day on the property. 

  

  The ride up to Elmau passes by another smaller but equally impressive resort called Das Kranzbach. I encourage you to look at these websites if just to gawk at the amazing photos. The surrounding trees and mountains are like something out of a nature book. This resort, being a bit smaller, was more my speed. The exterior building was like a building out of a fairy tale. 

  I have a deep love for the staircase tops of these German buildings. 

  

  

  These resorts hold a special place in my heart because they were my last “new location” bike ride in Bavaria. I embarked on a few more rides after this, but to places I had been before. Nothing quite compares to the first time riding around the corner while discovering a new place. I will be forever thankful for the last six months of my time in Germany, biking like I had never biked before. 

  

  Q: Would you spend 600 euros for two nights in a mountain resort?

  

  | 19 Comments Tagged Bavaria, Bike Ride, Brittanys Life Abroad

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