1. I have been longing to sit and write for weeks, but I haven’t been able to get the words onto this page. I can’t seem to coherently form a proper post, therefor I am going to put my thoughts into an EMC post. This feels like the easiest way for me to word vomit back into blog land after being gone for a month and a half.
2. I’ve been feeling incredibly “off” lately. Typical winter blues you could say, but pair this with the Brittany typical “what’s next” and you’ve got yourself an anxiety cocktail fit for a king. It started with a week of being housebound after a big snowfall giving me too much down time. Ohhh how I loathe down time.
Winter is meant to be a time of reflection, and a time of pause. I try to remind myself this when I feel like I should be doing more. The stalemates I suspect a lot of us are feeling are completely normal this time of year. Soon enough the spring flowers will bloom, and the birds will sing.
Until then, I hope to honor this season for what it is.
3. I have amazing coworkers who helped me get to work after the snow hit, and I am incredibly thankful for people like them in my life. At the same time, I am feeling wildly out of place around most people right now. I feel like a black sheep among white sheep, and I am in dire need of a drastic change of some sort.
The hard part is that I haven’t pinpointed exactly what I need yet.
4. A few weeks ago I went for a 3 mile run. Nothing out of the ordinary. It felt a bit difficult, but I was able to manage a 10:31 pace. I felt slightly off the rest of the day, but chalked it up to a Sjögren’s flare. I woke up the next morning feeling like I was drunk.
Spoiler: I had Covid.
5. I have since recovered, and I was only immobile for the first 24 hours, but I still have some symptoms that I have deemed to be typical of most people. While in the throes of being sick my main symptoms were fatigue beyond fatigue (which is saying a lot from someone who already struggles with fatigue), a terrible headache the first day, a 24hr fever, and a lingering pressure off and on for a week making me feel foggy.
Hmmm…sounds an awful lot like my autoimmune flareups.
The hardest part was not bouncing back like I usually do when sick. When I am having a flareup, I know what I can do to get back to a baseline comfort. With this, I was unable to speed up the process. I had to wait it out. I still feel more tired than usual most days, and my typical activities wear me out quicker. I am thankful to have had “mild” symptoms in the grand scheme of it all, I know not everyone is so fortunate.
I am slowly trying to build my endurance back up to what it was before I was chosen as a host for the virus.
6. Sickness aside, I only managed to go on two hikes in the last two months, and I am certain my lack of outdoor time has affected my mental health. I went for a 5 mile snow hike back before Christmas (a photo of the camp shed is shared above), and I went for a 5 mile backyard hike last week. Last weeks hike was mild on paper, but thanks to the Rona hangover I was tired after half of it.
7. I have been spending less time on social media lately. No matter how hard I try I find myself feeling worse after I spend time on any social media platform (except this one.) I deactivated my FaceBook account many months ago, but Instagram has always had its claws in me. I go on once every few weeks, but I don’t want to spend too much time watching other people live their lives, I want to live my own.
8. Less time online gives me more time in the present feeling thankful. I am thankful for my body/immune system and its ability to fight off gross viruses (I attribute this to my lifestyle, and while I often get annoyed by my autoimmune disease, without it I wouldn’t be so strict with my diet), I am thankful for my cat – he was the best company while I was in quarantine, I am thankful for my family, and I am thankful for my boyfriend.
Duncan and I grew closer the last month despite the fact we had to spend multiple weeks apart.
9. My purpose with posts like this are to highlight the reality of life. I love sharing my adventures, but I haven’t had many lately, and sometimes life is heavy. I think it’s important to share everything so that we can all remember we are not alone. Life feels like a Groundhog Day right now, and I know I am not alone in this.
10. Despite everything I have mentioned in this post, I know I am right where I am meant to be. My only goal for this year is to continue fighting the fear I have regarding the world. I sometimes don’t even know who I am anymore. I went from the girl who hiked mountains solo, traveled to places like Italy, Slovenia, and Poland alone, moved multiple times impulsively…to the girl who is at times fearful going for a run out her front door.
I am hoping some soul searching will help me find my bravery again. Either way I am learning, and either way I am growing.
Q: What’s your confession?
Blissfulbritt 
25 thoughts on “Early Morning Confessions”
Atheria
Right now I’m still in the “they need to be aware of us REAL Devil Dart harmed people” phase on social media…Erin Brockovich/Karen Silkwood that I am…but I’m burning out and most people simply don’t care or think we’re lying. I’ve been permanently disgusted by a huge percent of the human species. I totally get the not wanting to see others live their lives and focus on living your own. Right now, I’m not sure I’ll ever have a quality of life due to side effects…and I had health issues BEFORE the shot. I do think social media is harmful in many ways. I will follow your lead and cut back. I do hope your energy and strength comes back SOON. You are such a cool person. And I’m so glad for both Duncan and your fur kid.
Brittany
I think there can be a benefit with social media, and right now it’s allowing you to speak your truth. No one else will speak it for you, so do whatever you can for your own well being. I admire your courage with all of this.
I pray for relief for you, and I appreciate all your kind words. Always.
kirkmtb
I’m just blaming the weather for a lack of drive, similar to your own. Covid sucks. I got away with a few days of feeling tired but my wife hasn’t felt quite right since. I’m confident that those of us in the northern regions will feel much better as soon as spring springs.
Andrew.
Brittany
Thank you, I am confident too! Living in the north is not for the faint of heart. Sending hugs to your wife.
Sheree
Don’t beat yourself up too much Britt, you’ll get there
Brittany
Thank you! Slow and steady sometimes. ❤️
Sheree
Exactly! Remember the hare and the tortoise.
Wind Kisses
I think you have spoken wise words that many can relate to. I hope you continue to feel better. Donna
Brittany
Thank you, I hope my posts can make even just one person feel less alone in the cold months of winter.
gpavants
Brittany,
Sounds like good goals. Hope your year starts off well.
Thanks,
Gary
Brittany
Thank you Gary!
Rootchopper
Sorry to hear you got Covid. Just a couple of hours ago, my friend Joe reported that he’s got it. It seems like everyone around me is getting infected. One of my brothers and his son have it. My son in Thailand had it. (Maybe for the second time.) We are going to a Super Bowl party. Three attendees have had it. (All but my nephew were fully vaxxed. My nephew is a hurting unit.)
Go away winter blues!!! I finally went for a ride outdoors after two weeks inside and I felt like a whale. So much Xmas junk food. When I was done, however, my brain was very happy.
I’m also trying to do productive stuff. I’m getting doctor appointments out of the way. This weekend I’ll do my taxes.
And speaking of fear of taking on new things, I am starting to make plans for a summer tour. The thought of doing a 3,000-mile ride is so intimidating. (It’s really just 60 50-mile rides, right?)
Take some naps. Don’t feel guilty about them. Savor them.
And appreciate that the sun is higher in the sky and days are noticeably longer than they were a month ago.
Okay. The couch is calling me.
Zzzzz
Brittany
I am convinced I had the latest strain, one because of how I got sick (I never get sick, this one is truly so contagious), and two because it was more mild than expected. Hoping this madness is close to an end. So many people around me have had it the last 30 days.
I am buying a new Mtn bike very soon, and look forward to riding often as the weather gets nicer. I have high hopes for your tour! I wish I were up for that, but as a woman it gives me far too much anxiety going solo.
Peg
Brittany, I think a LOT of people feel the way you do. Everyone is just so beat down after 2+ years of dealing with Covid. Sorry it caught you and I hope you are feeling better soon.
Brittany
Thank you! I am feeling better physically day by day, and soon enough spring sun will warm my soul.
Josh dV
Hey friend. Nice to hear your voice.
I’m sorry to hear about your troubles, but happy to hear you are on the other side of them. I’m so pissed off at COVID and the world at large for getting us to this state.
Good on you for running and take care of yourself and realizing when you need to adjust your mindset. That can be hard for me especially.
Love seeing you here and your pictures.
Brittany
I can only imagine what you’ve gone through as a nurse with Covid. I hope we are very close to a turning point. I also am pissed at the world, but likely for other Covid related reasons. 🤪
Your comment has brightened my day, thank you!
Amy
Oh man… I had no idea you got sick!!! That sounds SO rough. Those symptoms would be enough to put anyone in a funk or depression, even someone as mentally and emotionally as strong as you. ♡ So glad to hear you’re through the worst of the physical symptoms (at least, I hope!) and starting the recovery journey. Sending so many healing thoughts and so much love your way!!
PS I stopped checking my personal IG 2+ years ago because I realized how much it was affecting my mental and emotional well-being. BEST decision I’ve made. I know I’ve missed out on some things and other friendships have completely fallen apart (but if those people were only friends because of how often we talked on IG, were they truly “close” friends?), yet I’m at peace with it all. I don’t know that I can ever stay 100% off of social media with blogging as a full-time job, but I can tell I’m much better off when I minimize my time on social media. I hope the same is true for you! ♡
Brittany
Getting sick was no fun, but I’m glad to be feeling much better.
I absolutely feel more balanced and whole not being on social media. It just feels so draining most of the time. I love blog land, so I like popping in here, but personal social media is meh.
Pam
With age comes wisdom
It’s what You do with that wisdom that takes You on Your next journey
I think there is a point in ones life where all of a sudden the magic disappears , and the more You chase it, it eludes You and it’s as if You have to retrain Your brain to find that childlike wonderment once again.
If You can find Joy in the simplest of things, if You can find Your inner Gratitude, then You are gaining ground on finding that wonderment once again. The days are getting longer and the sun will shine again soon…..hugs filled with ❤️
Brittany
Your comment has brought a calmness to my soul. Thank you for these words. Your thoughts about loosing the magic resonate with me, and are a wonderful reminder to savor the little things.
Like morning cuddles, my cup of coffee, and good chocolate.
Pree
Totally feel you about feeling disconnected with social media. Everytime Im on Instagram it leaves me with negative emotions. Still pine for the days of an active blogging community, but at least I am conscious about how I feel and I am trying to address it. Will see how cutting down time goes, and then will reassess if I want to take the plunge and just call it quits
Brittany
Even when I pop on after being off for a while, I just feel heavy. I am reaching the point where I genuinely don’t want to go on.
I think I will forever miss 2011-2013 blogging. I’m thankful to have experienced that!
Gemma Lund Mears
Thank you for sharing. Yes! Winter blues, autoimmune issues, dealing with our bodies limits and sickness. Your light shines through!
Brittany
Thank you, very kind words!