Today is my 29th birthday. I’ll wait, you can go grab me some chocolate.
Actually, keep the chocolate for yourself, I won’t be partaking in any of that this year. For the last 29 years I’ve associated my birthday with treats, just like 98% of the American population. We turn another year older and we must celebrate with cake, and cookies, and coffee, OH MY. Truth be told, I’d love to celebrate with those goodies, but I won’t.
Life with an autoimmune disease means everything you ever knew about food must change. Unless of course you want to take the easy way out and stuff yourself with drugs to suppress your immune system, but I’d rather not do that. I’d be lying if I said it was easy avoiding these treats, but I’m getting to the point where the flare ups they cause are no longer worth it.
It’s been two years since I was officially diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, and I admit it’s taken me that entire time to finally accept that this is my life now. I’ve spent this entire time trying to “fix” the problem, to do whatever I could to heal my body in order to go back to how things used to be before my cup runneth over, but that’s not how this works.
The way things used to be is part of how I got myself into this mess.
If I’ve learned anything from this need for control over my body it’s that trying to fix something you have very little control over is exhausting. Day in and day out the denial and desire to escape this disease that follows me everywhere I go has had me running a race that I will never win. Rather than try to escape this card I’ve been dealt, I’ve decided to take a different approach.
The other night I was lying in bed meditating, when a thought entered my mind I decided to focus on rather than trying to quiet. I thought about my autoimmune disease, and the idea of giving it a name. Like a friend. I wouldn’t try to run away from a friend, and I wouldn’t try to hurt my friend, and this shift in my mindset brought life to Alfred, my autoimmune disease.
Alfred will be with me for life, though when the stars are aligned he will go on vacations. Hopefully those vacation are long ones (remission) and I won’t see him for long chunks of my life, but when he does show up (like the last couple years) I will be kind to him, honoring his existence as a part of me instead of trying to pretend he’s not there.
Honoring Alfred means shifting my life completely, because growth comes from change, and change is almost always uncomfortable. Honoring Alfred means saying no to running, and going for a light walk instead. Honoring Alfred means minimizing my stress as much as possible, saying no when I want to say no, and removing people from my life that bring me down.
Honoring Alfred means saying no to the cake, and opting for the avocado instead.
I’m an emotional eater, and this was something that became very clear to me the last couple years. I never noticed it as a problem until my stress levels blew through the roof, and until I was told “you can’t” eat things if you want to feel better. It’s a painful pill to swallow when your life takes a turn out of your control, but it’s even more painful to have the flareups that accompany an autoimmune disease.
Living with an immune system that thinks its own tissues are foreign causes a whole heap of symptoms that can make or break your quality of life.
Food has a direct correlation to the quality of life for me. I am aware of what I should and should not eat in order to feel my best, and in order to keep my mind on board I’ve switched my verbiage from “I can’t eat that” to “I don’t eat that.” Sometimes even my “safe foods” cause a flare up, and in those times I do my best not to spiral. Everyday is a new day, and I’m getting better at handling the harder days.
There will be days I eat foods that do not support my body, but I’m hoping with this acceptance the need for those days become less and less. I also hope that when these days do happen, I give myself more grace and find my way back on the bus rather than continue to spiral because I “failed.” There is no failure, there is no black and white, there is only balance, and life, and forgiveness.
Giving in is not the same as giving up, I will never give up, but I’ve decided to give in. I give in to the lifestyle change that is necessary for me to thrive, I give in to turning down the cake today on my birthday in order to avoid the uncomfortable flareups, I give in to living a life with Alfred by my side, because in all reality his presence is helping me to live my best life. As long as I accept what he is trying to offer.
Diseases often occur in our lives to wake us up to a life we’re meant to live. All too often our society tries to quiet the messages our bodies are trying to tell us by taking drugs, but most ailments can be moderated with lifestyle changes. There are surely some ailments where drugs are the only option, I’m not discrediting that in the least, but most of them give us a choice on how we want to continue to live.
Acceptance didn’t come easy, I went through the stages of grief for over two years. There are few things that hold a flame to a steaming cup of coffee and a slice of chocolate cake, or even a long run, both of which my body no longer tolerates, but I find peace in honoring what my body is asking for. By honoring Alfred I’m given a sense of control again, because while I cannot control the fact that he lives with me, I can control whether or not I embrace his presence.
Viewing Alfred from a place of warmth and love brings a positive energy to my life. There are days when I’m not perfect, there are days I cave and eat the cake, there are days I want to crawl into a hole and never come out, but those days are getting fewer and I’m learning how to cope and how to bring joy to my life through things other than food. This warmth also helps me to be kind when I make choices that don’t honor Alfred, and remind me that growth is all about the journey.
Joy is a slow hike in the mountains (like the ones I took these photos on), joy is giving time to others, joy is the smile on a family members face, joy is the wind on my face, or the rain on my arm, joy is the vibration on my chest from the purr of my cat.
Life throws us curve balls when we least expect it. It’s normal to stomp our feet in defiance at first, but eventually we all have to get over ourselves if we want to live our lives to their full potential. I’ve decided the temper tantrum I’ve been throwing has gone on long enough, and I’ve accepted this new life of mine. I’ve made life much more difficult than it needed to be the last couple years, but it’s all apart of the process.
All this is to say it could always be worse, life is about what we make of it. I’m one year shy of being 30, and you can bet your britches I’m ready to kiss my 20’s goodbye. It’s true that our 20’s are years of discovery, and I’m ready to get the hell out of them. My final year of my 20’s will be spent polishing up the final touches before I head into a new decade.
I no longer want to people please, and I no longer want to be shy about my dietary restrictions when around other people, I no longer want to feel the need to be strong when my fatigue is overwhelming. I’m proud of who I am, I’m proud of my body and all it can handle, and I’m proud of my life with Alfred. Giving in is freeing, and I feel a weight lifted from my shoulders and a cloud lifted from my mind. Acceptance is choosing to thrive instead of just exist.
Q: Have you experienced any difficult lifestyle changes?
54 thoughts on “Accepting Alfred”
Christine
I too have an Auto immune disease (ulcerative colitis & Crohn’s) Ive maintained without medicine for the better part of 15 years, with occasion short term medications to induce remission faster. It was tough for me the first few years (I was a college student) but now, my lifestyle compliments my disease. Best of luck ! (And happy birthday!)
Brittany
Thank you for sharing! It’s always nice to hear others journeys.
kalkal55
Very moving. Great post!
Brittany
Thank you. ❤️❤️
Liz H
Happy birthday! May the February winds be refreshing, the sunshine renewing, and the avocado delicious!!
Brittany
Thank you!
jloadli
Beautifully written! Thanks for sharing your story. Your journey will inspire others without a doubt. And, Happy Birthday!! 🙂
Brittany
Thank you! ❤️
rootchopper
Naming your affliction is an interesting twist on a meditation trick. Those trains of thought that come to mind during meditation have a tendency to repeat. So name them. And when they come to mind say “Hi [Name] welcome to the party”.
Be easy on yourself. Love this life. Go for a long walk today as a birthday present to yourself.
Happy birthday (again).
Brittany
Thank you, as always I love your approach to this stuff. Wise indeed.
rootchopper
Wasn’t my idea. Got it from a meditation teacher named Jeff Warren on 10% Happier.
Brittany
I know, but I still enjoy when you do!
John Kraft
Happy birthday! ! !
Brittany
Thank you!
kim
happy birthday!!! from one who also shares this birthday, although I wish I was still 29!!!
Brittany
Happy birthday, Kim!!
Chez @ Chez Moi
Happy birthday Brittany! I loved reading this post. It sounds like you at at a point of very deep understanding and change. I admire your courage in sharing your story. All the very best in your journey xx
Brittany
Thank you! ❤️
Amy
Oh Brittany… I got goosebumps reading your entire post. You know how much I need to hear these words! ♡ I love your idea of naming Alfred. It’s much easier to treat our bodies’ symptoms with love and respect that way, when we think of what’s going on as a friend, rather than a foe. So smart of you! 😘 Sending so much love your way — and lots of hope for extended periods of remission too!!
Amy
OH MY GOSH!! How could I forget in my previous comment??? HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRITTANY!!!!!!!!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Brittany
I adore you my friend. Thank you!
Nicole @ Foodie Loves Fitness
Happy Birthday!! I’m so sorry to hear how tough of a health journey it’s been for you lately.. I know that you’ve mentioned things here and there, but I didn’t know that you were diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. I know they call them invisible sicknesses, because you can look normal on the outside but in reality feel completely terrible and helpless. I’m glad that you’re at a place where you’re more accepting of it. Listening to our bodies is so important, especially when you’re dealing with a health issue.
Cheers to a great 29th year full of happiness, hiking & all that’ll keep your body & mind healthy & strong! 🙂
Brittany
Thank you friend. I try not to talk about it much, but it’s definitely something that I work with daily. Invisible illness is hard because no one quite gets it unless they’re going through something similar, but alas it just makes me stronger right? 😝
bearly
Happy birthday. Keep your positive attitude.
Brittany
Thank you. ❤️❤️
roseloispresley
Happy birthday! Onwards and upwards! Keep going, you’ve got this. I heart what you’re saying about food and exercises… A punishing cliff path run was always first choice for me but now it’s Yoga Nidra! Exercise isn’t self-punishment. Change is uncomfortable, I think it comes with loving/accepting parts of your true self too. That can be just as painful.
Brittany
You nailed it, I need some solid self love right now and to remember that exercise should be enjoyable!
Melanie
I’m so so sorry about all you have been going through. 😦 I love what you wrote though. It is beautiful. ❤ I love your attitude and perspective. Life can throw us all kinds of curve balls. My husband has an autoimmune disease and I have several friends and family members who suffer with them as well. It is not fun.
As you know, I've been choosing to stay away from all the sugar as well. I definitely feel the negative effects from sugar and have been trying to just come to grips with the fact that I will always feel better and be healthier without it in my life. Sad, but true.
Thank you so much for sharing your words and your thoughts. You are such a thoughtful, down-to-earth, comforting human being and I'm grateful you share your life on here. ❤
Brittany
Melanie I just adore you! I had no idea Kev had an autoimmune disease too, they are becoming so common. Sugar will always be my nemesis too, as you know!
Melanie
I forgot to wish you a Happy Birthday too! I hope you’ve had a wonderful day! I love February birthdays! ❤
Brittany
Thank you my sweet friend! ❤️
familyrulesbyplainjane
Happy Birthday, Brittany! Your words about your grief and personal growth are wonderful to hear. One of our daughters has a couple of autoimmune problems and is working through what sounds like a process similar to the one from which you are emerging. Wonderful to hear about the goodness and wisdom you are able to claim and enjoy in your life and how you share your sparkle with others. XO
Brittany
Thank you so much, sending love to your daughter. ❤️
Graham
Happy birthday! Great post too!
Brittany
Thank you! ❤️
Ellie
I think Alfred has further developed your talent for hiking and seeing beautiful things. He may have slowed you down, but he can never stop you ❤
Brittany
Preach. I’ll never stop! ❤️😝
stateeats
Such a heartfelt post. I think if most of the world accepted this philosophy we’d all be better off. – Kat
Brittany
Thanks Kat, it’s not always an easy pill to swallow, but life is like that!
wanderwolf
Happy Belated birthday, Brittany. And oh, hey Alfred. Cut her some slack, will ya?
Love the attitude that is presented here. You do seem quite wise for 29 years. I guess having an autoimmune disease will do that to ya.
Beautiful pictures, as always.
Take care of yourself and hope you had a wonderful day! With avocados galore. 🙂
Brittany
Thank you my friend! ❤️❤️🎈
Allie Zottola
So much wisdom in this post, Brittany. I love how you have reframed things with your autoimmune disease/Alfred. Seriously, so smart of you.
Also, happy belated b-day! That first picture looked so familiar to me and then I realized why: I have Casi Cielo in my pantry right now and it is GOOD! Also, love the sweet picture of your cat! ❤
Brittany
Thank you friend! Casi Cielo is one of my favorites.
fionajarrett
Happy Birthday girl! Hope you enjoyed and those stunning views were a great birthday treat to make time for 😃🎉🎈
Brittany
Thank you! ❤️❤️🎈
P
Happy belated birthday friend :)! And I think your mindset about naming your disease is such a balanced way to look at it. Hope your last year as a twenty-something is full of meaningful moments and happy ones 🙂
Brittany
Thank you my dear friend! It’s going to be a great year.
Meghan@CleanEatsFastFeets
I think giving your autoimmune disease a name is a great idea, and I really like the name Alfred. It’s pure, partly comedic, and purposeful.
Keep your head up and your heart light.
Brittany
Thank you my love, I thought so too! 🤗 Alfred just sounds like a guy I’d wanna be friends with. 😂🤷🏻♀️
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danieller77
I love this and your outlook. My 8 year old son was diagnosed last year with a rare genetic disorder that will slowly progress. I wish he was old enough to be able to read this and understand how you are embracing things. Keep positive and enjoy your avocado!!
Brittany
Thank you! I pray your son find relief in any way he can, and I encourage you all to not give up hope! Many defy the odds of their diagnosis, keep fighting!
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