Tag: Autoimmune Disease

• Early Morning Confessions

  Posted at 8:00 AM by Brittany, on May 17, 2021

  1. 90% of my days I am content with myself, my dietary needs, and my “have to be mindful of everything I do” lifestyle, but the other 10% I get really fu@&ing mad about it. What I would give to eat without overthinking, to push my heart rate over 170 without my body rebelling, or to honor my cravings without repercussions.

  2. Somewhere over the course of a few years my cat started to show signs of aging. By aging I mean he had one white whisker that stood out among all the black whiskers. One day, this white whisker fell out. I correlate this whisker loss with when human children loose their first tooth. So I saved the whisker.

  The white whisker has since grown back, and I find great joy in looking at it.

  

  

  3. When I moved back to America I did not have a handful of essential items. One item in particular was a laundry basket. Instead of buying a laundry basket, like a normal fully functioning human adult would do, I started using a box I had shipped my belongings in as a laundry basket. Seven months later and I still use the box.

  4. I recently spent a full day with two amazing humans who I met while I was living in Germany. One girl lives about two hours away from me, and the other girl, who used to be one of my roommates, was visiting for the weekend. I still struggle relating to anyone with regard to my life living abroad, and spending time with two people who “get it” was refreshing.

  We spent the first half of the day exploring Deception Pass, a beautiful area of my home state I had regrettably never been to.

  

  

  

  

  That last photo has some strong Cliffs of Moher vibes…if you know, you know.

  5. I changed my windshield wipers for the first time in…almost a decade. I’m one of those people who pushes their limits with life. Eating trigger foods, going for a hike alone, traveling to a new country by myself, jumping off a mountain with nothing but a parachute, leaving my windshield wipers on for far too long…you know, the usual.

  My wipers were at the point where they were audibly crying each time I used them. When I was driving solo, it didn’t phase me. When I was driving with another human, it became annoying. With some motivation and help from a pal, a YouTube tutorial, and a trip to O’Reillys – the deed has been done.

  Naturally the entire process was much easier than I anticipated.

  6. DejaVu was in full effect on a recent hike I embarked on. When I chose a trail for my hiking pals and I to explore, I had a feeling I had been there before. Sure enough I had, and I blogged to tell the tale. A lovely, wet 10 mile tromp through the woods with two cool dudes.

  

  

  7. In one month I am taking a two week road trip to Montana and Idaho, and I couldn’t be more excited. I’m visiting Glacier NP, and hiking a bit in the Sawtooth Wilderness. Any and all recommendations welcomed.

  8. When I was younger I spent two summers at Fort Flagler with one of my friends and her family. I remember this place feeling so far away, and it was possibly the highlight of each of those years. I have revisited this area twice in the last month, and it’s just as cool now that I am an adult. Instead of riding a cheap bike in circles around the camp site all day, I now spend hours lying on the beach frying my skin while eating entire packages of dried mangoes.

  Just when I start getting complacent about living where I am, I am reminded of Washington’s beauty. Life is good.

  

  9. I found myself applying to random jobs lately due to some regression in my mindset. I really enjoy the freedom I have working with REI, but I felt the societal pressure to “do more.” Why can’t I just enjoy the flexibility without the pressure to follow societies molding of success? I have since stepped back to remind myself why I choose to live the way I do. #societalnormsbedamned.

  10. I have started running again. This is my favorite confession of the entire post. I never thought this day would come, and to be honest I wasn’t sure if I would even want to start running again. Towards the end of my previous running journey I got complacent. I no longer ran because I enjoyed the run, I ran to keep my body an unnaturally small shape. My running became a chore, an added stressor to my already overtaxed immune system, and ultimately a catalyst in my Sjogrens Syndrome diagnosis.

  So I stopped running.

  Over the last year I have had the itch to pick it back up, but this time for a much healthier reason. Nothing controls my anxiety quite like running. My mornings now start with a short (and slow) run just to shake out my brain crazies, and it makes my day so much better. I no longer care about distance, or pace, or comparisons, I just care about moving. It will take time for me to build my base back to where it was (or maybe I never will and that’s ok), but I finally enjoy running for the pure joy of running.

  

  Q: What’s your confession?

  

  | 24 Comments Tagged Autoimmune Disease, Beach, Cats, Early Morning Confessions, Hiking, PNW, Running

• Just Keep Going

  Posted at 3:00 PM by Brittany, on December 16, 2019

  When my mom came to visit me in September, we took a trip to Rome. On this trip, I decided to mindfully eat whatever I wanted because I couldn’t imagine visiting Rome without indulging in pasta and gnocchi at least once. Or twice. Or every night. Since coming back to Germany, I have continued this liberal way of eating, and while I have not always felt my best – something good has come of it.

  

  Eggs and bacon would be normal eats, the muffin and the entire basket of bread were splurges. This was at the Munich airport after dropping off my mom and my sister.

  

  Alas, I always find my way back to my staple foods even with loose eating. This was also at an airport, in England after a week of scones and clotted cream.

  My motive behind eating more food of all kinds was partly because I get so sick of eating extremely restricted, partly because I still don’t know the best way to eat to feel well, but mostly because I struggle with hypothalamic amenorrhea. I lost my period for the first time in Jan 2014, and it was 100% MIA for just about three full years. Within the last six years I’ve had eleven periods: two in 2016, three in 2017, five in 2018, and one in 2019…just a couple weeks ago.

  

  The ice of my ovaries has melted once again!

  Each time a period comes I get VERY excited, but I also know that one time isn’t consistent and I’m still aware of the fact that my body needs very specific conditions in order to trust me. Conditions like low stress, low physical activity, and eating enough calories. While I think my free for all eating has a lot to do with my recent period, I also think now that its winter and my activity level has dropped my body is feeling a little more safe.

  

  My final long bike ride before winter hit. Ehrwald, Austria.

  My activities lately have been slow bike rides, casual walks through the fields behind where I live, and laying on my bed for hours after work. We had a big snow recently and while I used to dislike when it snowed, I don’t mind it as much here. I went for a walk to a nearby lake and the quiet stillness of this freshly fallen snow was intoxicating for my mind. A simple reminder to slow down.

   

  

  When winter first showed her face…

  

  The night before the big snow…

  

  The first big snow.

  

  

  

  I admit it’s been hard to see my body changing. I’ve gained weight (though I couldn’t tell you how much, I don’t use a scale) and my clothes feel snug at times, but I have continued to remind myself why I am eating more freely. I still need to fine tune my eating (which has felt like a marathon endeavor the last five or so years), because despite the recent period – I don’t feel well when I eat too many grains or foods I’m sensitive to.

  Food can give me a hangover similar to alcohol, that lasts for days. 

  

  My job is stressful as hell, so I knew it had to be something else. I knew it had to be eating more and moving less. Plain and simple. Funny how we’re taught to do the opposite, but when things go awry in the body we have to go against what we know and do something much more difficult. For me it’s harder to be inactive than it is to be active.

  I used to decompress by going for long runs, or intense hikes. Now I go for walks, do yoga, or listen to music. 

  

  I still daydream about the days I’d go for a long run, or find an intense mountain to climb. If I were to do that now my body would scream at me in more ways than one. I never realized how much I appreciated intense exercise until I was no longer able to do it. I still go on intense hikes, but I move MUCH slower, and go less often.

  I have to be extra mindful of my decisions to ensure I do whatever I can to work WITH my body and my hormones rather than against them. Getting a period after a year in Germany was like a small piece of validation that I am doing something right and to keep going. To keep pushing though the discomfort and to keep finding the right food for my body even when the process feels never-ending.

  

  Best goulash in Switzerland.

  I don’t want to get too complacent, and I don’t want to eat too many foods that really disturb my body because that will do more harm than good (inflammation is no joke for an autoimmune disease), but I do want to keep challenging myself to let go of the idea that my body needs to stay one size at all times. Bodies change, just as much as our minds change.

  The recent freedom of this acceptance has been helpful, and while I am still a work in progress I am much further today mentally than I ever have been. Progress is all I can ask for, and progress is what I’m making. What a miserable life it would be to stay locked in a box of narrow-minded thinking and miss out on the possibilities of life because I fear my body changing.

  

  2013 vs 2019. New phone, new hair, new body. Who dis? I’m currently probably 5-10lbs heavier than the photo on the right which was taken a few months ago. 

  I never asked to have a disordered way of eating, it just sort of happened when I noticed changes in my body – most related to my autoimmune disease. While I am overjoyed at the return of my period last month, it didn’t come without a cost. I have had more brain fog than normal, more itchy crawling skin with rashes, more eczema flares, more dry blotchy skin, more swollen eyes, and much more inflammation.

  It’s hard not to fear food when it is the leading cause for symptoms like the above. I am forever my own science experiment. 

  Food is medicine, and I will forever believe this, but no way of eating will ever compete with a balanced, low stress mind and body. So yes, I need to be mindful of food I am allergic to, and yes I need to be aware of my stress, but no I don’t need to be obsessive and allow these things to control my life. Some days are easier than others, and some days I just want to quit life and live in my bed forever, but I only fail if I quit trying.

  This post is a reminder to myself, and to anyone else out there struggling with food, and life, and balance, and autoimmune diseases – just keep going. It won’t be easy, and it won’t be fun, but it will be worth it. 

  

  | 25 Comments Tagged Alfred, Autoimmune Disease

• Onward

  Posted at 5:00 AM by Brittany, on March 8, 2018

  I’ve noticed a pattern with my blogging. When I’m deep in the throes of school, I’m mostly MIA on this space. My brain becomes so convoluted with information I don’t ever plan to use that any and all creative juices are sucked up through a straw with a hole the size of Alaska. That makes for quick loss of creative juice.

  

  The good news is, I am down to my last class. Like…the last one…ever. I really never wanted to go to college, and to be honest with you I don’t know if I’ll ever want a job that requires a college degree, but I finally settled on a BS in human communication. We all have to communicate, regardless of what we do for work.

  Plus, Starbucks is footing the bill and I couldn’t really turn down a free bachelors degree. If you have an end goal I think college is great, but if you don’t, I think it can be a death trap for years of financial burden. 

  I’m a big believer that college isn’t for everyone, but I’m glad it’s finally almost over. I’ll never have that “I wonder if” problem about finishing, but the only reason I started was because I felt like my parents wanted me to. I have to admit this was the worst possible time for me to finish college and the amount of stress I felt from my classes as well as from managing my health literally had me on the floor in a ball more times than not.

  

  Thankfully I’m a stubborn individual, and I refuse to take “this is your life now” for an answer. This is mostly the case for my autoimmune issues, which I don’t talk about much on the blog, but the thoughts of my body take up a large majority of my brain space. The sad reality is that most people think once they’re labeled as having an autoimmune disease, or any disease for that matter, they assume that’s it.

  They assume this is life now, bring on the cocktail of drugs to manage this new life.

  I don’t believe that, not for one second, no matter how many doctors seem to believe this. I believe autoimmune diseases are caused by excess inflammation in the body, for such extended periods of time that the immune system can no longer keep up in trying to put out the inflammatory flames. The goal is to find the source of this inflammation, whether it’s food, stress, toxins, parasites, or a combination of multiple things, and remove the triggers.

  

  I’m thankful for my stubborn mind because it will allow me to gain my health back in full one day, of this I’m certain. It’s not an easy road, but it’s a road that will be worth the effort (just like these snowy hike photos from my birthday last month.) I used to be notorious for quitting when things got hard, which is why it’s taken me 11 years since I graduated high school to finally graduate college, but this time I didn’t quit. I wanted to quit many times, because I don’t handle my stress well. I switched my major four times, and regret nothing.

  I’m certain stress was one of my main triggers for pushing my body over the edge, but patience is my best friend in calming the inflammatory fires.

  I refuse to quit the path of naturally healing my body through lifestyle changes, and it’s powerful knowing I have control over my outcome. I can taste the freedom that accompanies no longer having to read another textbook on a topic I have no interest in. I have a good sense of when to quit something because it’s no longer serving me, and when to quit something because I’m letting stress take over. It’s important for me to know the difference.

  

  I can also taste the freedom that comes from no longer handcrafting espresso beverages at Starbucks. I have two months left with Starbucks before I move onto my next adventure, and it’s a bittersweet goodbye. Five years ago I started slaving for the siren with no goal other than to busy my days and busy my mind after a painfully ugly breakup. Starbucks quite literally saved me when I needed saving, and because of that I will always have a soft spot for this chapter in my life.

  Plus, the solid 401K and free bachelors degree they’ve given me aren’t so bad either.

  From retail, to corporate, and back to retail I can confidently say my time with Starbucks has come to an end. I’ve become both comfortable and stagnant with where I’m at in life which means it’s time for a change. The stress that accompanies a job like mine is stress I can no longer afford to tax my body with. Although I’m sad to say goodbye I’m also ready to spread my wings and fly.

  

  One of the few classes I enjoyed taking during my time with ASU was an elective class (aren’t those the only ones most of us enjoy?) called Wilderness and Parks in America. I learned a great deal about the history of our national parks, and developed a desire to see as many as possible, including the first ever national park – Yellowstone.

  SO, I snagged a summer job at Yellowstone this May-October.

  I’ve never been to Yellowstone, nor any of the states that Yellowstone resides in (the majority of the part resides in Wyoming, but 3% of the park is in Montana and 1% is in Idaho.) After my recent trip to Alaska I fell in love with the idea of seasonal work in locations that allowed me to live a lifestyle I enjoy, and to be outdoors exploring as often as possible.

  

  I’m both excited and apprehensive about this adventure. My safety zone (my kitchen) will not be available to me, and I will have to learn how to navigate eating foods outside of my small circle of what is and is not helpful to my body. I’m confident that being in a new environment with new friends, and new hiking trails will continue to project me forward.

  I’m already daydreaming about all the people I will meet, both coworkers and visitors of the park. 

  It’s no secret I’m a bit of a nomad, being in one place makes me feel stuck and weighed down, so this concept of seasonal work is something I’m chasing after right now. I don’t know what’s next after Yellowstone, and yet ironically this upcoming adventure has brought me more peace than I ever felt working a steady job the last five years.

  

  Not everyone is made for the 9-5 lifestyle and that’s OK. What’s not OK is waking up each morning and dreading the day ahead of you. This life is a gift and we only get one, so we might as well live it doing things we enjoy. Thankfully I’m a simple girl, with a simple lifestyle, and I can afford to run off to different states living the life I manifest for myself.

  Our bodies talk to us in many ways, and mine has been telling me it’s time for a change for a while now. The next two months I will continue to seek out my triggers for inflammation, continue to work through my stress, and finish college strong. Two weeks after I graduate I head to Yellowstone, and one week after Yellowstone I head to Scotland.

  Only we can create a life worth living for ourselves. It’s going to be a good year. Onward.

  

  Q: Tell me about your educational path, and what you do for work.

  

  | 62 Comments Tagged Alfred, ASU, Autoimmune Disease, Life, Starbucks

• Accepting Alfred

  Posted at 5:00 AM by Brittany, on February 15, 2018

  Today is my 29th birthday. I’ll wait, you can go grab me some chocolate.

  

  Actually, keep the chocolate for yourself, I won’t be partaking in any of that this year. For the last 29 years I’ve associated my birthday with treats, just like 98% of the American population. We turn another year older and we must celebrate with cake, and cookies, and coffee, OH MY. Truth be told, I’d love to celebrate with those goodies, but I won’t.

  Life with an autoimmune disease means everything you ever knew about food must change. Unless of course you want to take the easy way out and stuff yourself with drugs to suppress your immune system, but I’d rather not do that. I’d be lying if I said it was easy avoiding these treats, but I’m getting to the point where the flare ups they cause are no longer worth it.

  

  It’s been two years since I was officially diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, and I admit it’s taken me that entire time to finally accept that this is my life now. I’ve spent this entire time trying to “fix” the problem, to do whatever I could to heal my body in order to go back to how things used to be before my cup runneth over, but that’s not how this works.

  The way things used to be is part of how I got myself into this mess.

  If I’ve learned anything from this need for control over my body it’s that trying to fix something you have very little control over is exhausting. Day in and day out the denial and desire to escape this disease that follows me everywhere I go has had me running a race that I will never win. Rather than try to escape this card I’ve been dealt, I’ve decided to take a different approach.

  

  The other night I was lying in bed meditating, when a thought entered my mind I decided to focus on rather than trying to quiet. I thought about my autoimmune disease, and the idea of giving it a name. Like a friend. I wouldn’t try to run away from a friend, and I wouldn’t try to hurt my friend, and this shift in my mindset brought life to Alfred, my autoimmune disease.

  Alfred will be with me for life, though when the stars are aligned he will go on vacations. Hopefully those vacation are long ones (remission) and I won’t see him for long chunks of my life, but when he does show up (like the last couple years) I will be kind to him, honoring his existence as a part of me instead of trying to pretend he’s not there.

  

  Honoring Alfred means shifting my life completely, because growth comes from change, and change is almost always uncomfortable. Honoring Alfred means saying no to running, and going for a light walk instead. Honoring Alfred means minimizing my stress as much as possible, saying no when I want to say no, and removing people from my life that bring me down.

  Honoring Alfred means saying no to the cake, and opting for the avocado instead. 

  I’m an emotional eater, and this was something that became very clear to me the last couple years. I never noticed it as a problem until my stress levels blew through the roof, and until I was told “you can’t” eat things if you want to feel better. It’s a painful pill to swallow when your life takes a turn out of your control, but it’s even more painful to have the flareups that accompany an autoimmune disease.

  Living with an immune system that thinks its own tissues are foreign causes a whole heap of symptoms that can make or break your quality of life.

  Food has a direct correlation to the quality of life for me. I am aware of what I should and should not eat in order to feel my best, and in order to keep my mind on board I’ve switched my verbiage from “I can’t eat that” to “I don’t eat that.” Sometimes even my “safe foods” cause a flare up, and in those times I do my best not to spiral. Everyday is a new day, and I’m getting better at handling the harder days.

  

  There will be days I eat foods that do not support my body, but I’m hoping with this acceptance the need for those days become less and less. I also hope that when these days do happen, I give myself more grace and find my way back on the bus rather than continue to spiral because I “failed.” There is no failure, there is no black and white, there is only balance, and life, and forgiveness.

  Giving in is not the same as giving up, I will never give up, but I’ve decided to give in. I give in to the lifestyle change that is necessary for me to thrive, I give in to turning down the cake today on my birthday in order to avoid the uncomfortable flareups, I give in to living a life with Alfred by my side, because in all reality his presence is helping me to live my best life. As long as I accept what he is trying to offer.

  Diseases often occur in our lives to wake us up to a life we’re meant to live. All too often our society tries to quiet the messages our bodies are trying to tell us by taking drugs, but most ailments can be moderated with lifestyle changes. There are surely some ailments where drugs are the only option, I’m not discrediting that in the least, but most of them give us a choice on how we want to continue to live.

  

  Acceptance didn’t come easy, I went through the stages of grief for over two years. There are few things that hold a flame to a steaming cup of coffee and a slice of chocolate cake, or even a long run, both of which my body no longer tolerates, but I find peace in honoring what my body is asking for. By honoring Alfred I’m given a sense of control again, because while I cannot control the fact that he lives with me, I can control whether or not I embrace his presence.

  Viewing Alfred from a place of warmth and love brings a positive energy to my life. There are days when I’m not perfect, there are days I cave and eat the cake, there are days I want to crawl into a hole and never come out, but those days are getting fewer and I’m learning how to cope and how to bring joy to my life through things other than food. This warmth also helps me to be kind when I make choices that don’t honor Alfred, and remind me that growth is all about the journey.

  Joy is a slow hike in the mountains (like the ones I took these photos on), joy is giving time to others, joy is the smile on a family members face, joy is the wind on my face, or the rain on my arm, joy is the vibration on my chest from the purr of my cat.

  

  Life throws us curve balls when we least expect it. It’s normal to stomp our feet in defiance at first, but eventually we all have to get over ourselves if we want to live our lives to their full potential. I’ve decided the temper tantrum I’ve been throwing has gone on long enough, and I’ve accepted this new life of mine. I’ve made life much more difficult than it needed to be the last couple years, but it’s all apart of the process.

  All this is to say it could always be worse, life is about what we make of it. I’m one year shy of being 30, and you can bet your britches I’m ready to kiss my 20’s goodbye. It’s true that our 20’s are years of discovery, and I’m ready to get the hell out of them. My final year of my 20’s will be spent polishing up the final touches before I head into a new decade.

  I no longer want to people please, and I no longer want to be shy about my dietary restrictions when around other people, I no longer want to feel the need to be strong when my fatigue is overwhelming. I’m proud of who I am, I’m proud of my body and all it can handle, and I’m proud of my life with Alfred. Giving in is freeing, and I feel a weight lifted from my shoulders and a cloud lifted from my mind. Acceptance is choosing to thrive instead of just exist.

  Q: Have you experienced any difficult lifestyle changes?

  

   

  | 54 Comments Tagged Alfred, Autoimmune Disease, Birthday, Hiking

• Green Wedding Cats

  Posted at 5:00 AM by Brittany, on February 6, 2017

  I’ve been feeling pretty good lately, aside from the occasional fatigue (which is just a part of my life now) I’d say things are moving and groovin over here in BB land. This is no new discovery for me, but I find that often the cure for whatever ails me is always green.

  • Avocados have become my savior. Since announcing my current dietary changes I’ve been able to find a happy balance of intake. The only non plant based food I’m partaking in is fish because it has such powerful anti-inflammatory properties, but I only eat it here and there. Insert fats on fats on fats.

  

  • Outdoor activities always fuel my soul, and I live in a state that’s surrounded by trees. Praise. Even the green algae growing on abandoned sheds makes me smile.

  

  

  • My watch is green when I put it in workout mode. Coincidence? I think not. Spin class has been rocking my world lately. I keep the classes around two per week because my body ain’t what it used to be. Those endorphin’s though, can’t beat em’.

  

  • Coffee starts out green, so it’s only fair I include my love for the bean. Coffee caused a lot of extra stress on my system for quite some time, so adding it back into my life has been immensely rewarding. I must moderate it, and my system will flare up if I overdo it, but overall it’s been OK. The boost it gives me is an added bonus. I busted out the ROK espresso maker after I shamefully tucked it away a couple years ago.

  All I can say is wow. The flavor, ohh the flavor. The extraction with this maker is beyond words. The rich, full bodied flavor is so smooth it’s like drinking full fat coconut milk. I’m currently loving Starbucks Organic Yukon Blend. This multi region blend provides the Latin American beauty of cocoa and nuts, with a balance of Indonesian spice.

  C’est magnifique.

  In other news, I took my old man kitty to the vet last week. What initially seemed like a clean bill of health resulted in blood work determining he has severe kidney disease. Despite this diagnosis I am in awe of his thirst for life. He has so much love to give still, and we won’t be going out without a fight. He will be 20 this year!

  

  My other cat has been sneaking out at night to partake in nude modeling for picture books.

  

  He’s rebelling because I’ve been giving my love to others. 

  

  Lastly, I was able to save a few photos from when I dressed up for Halloween as a girl. AKA when I put on some fancy digs and helped Gigi walk down the aisle. The below photo is my favorite, and all these girls are amazing. Four of us are bloggers, and became instant friends. Blogging has been one of the biggest blessings of my life because it has allowed me to meet so.many.amazing.people.

  

  Q: What’s your favorite color? Green 

  

  | 62 Comments Tagged Autoimmune Disease, Cats, Explore, Plants, Spinning

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