When my mom came to visit me in September, we took a trip to Rome. On this trip, I decided to mindfully eat whatever I wanted because I couldn’t imagine visiting Rome without indulging in pasta and gnocchi at least once. Or twice. Or every night. Since coming back to Germany, I have continued this liberal way of eating, and while I have not always felt my best – something good has come of it.
Eggs and bacon would be normal eats, the muffin and the entire basket of bread were splurges. This was at the Munich airport after dropping off my mom and my sister.
Alas, I always find my way back to my staple foods even with loose eating. This was also at an airport, in England after a week of scones and clotted cream.
My motive behind eating more food of all kinds was partly because I get so sick of eating extremely restricted, partly because I still don’t know the best way to eat to feel well, but mostly because I struggle with hypothalamic amenorrhea. I lost my period for the first time in Jan 2014, and it was 100% MIA for just about three full years. Within the last six years I’ve had eleven periods: two in 2016, three in 2017, five in 2018, and one in 2019…just a couple weeks ago.
The ice of my ovaries has melted once again!
Each time a period comes I get VERY excited, but I also know that one time isn’t consistent and I’m still aware of the fact that my body needs very specific conditions in order to trust me. Conditions like low stress, low physical activity, and eating enough calories. While I think my free for all eating has a lot to do with my recent period, I also think now that its winter and my activity level has dropped my body is feeling a little more safe.
My final long bike ride before winter hit. Ehrwald, Austria.
My activities lately have been slow bike rides, casual walks through the fields behind where I live, and laying on my bed for hours after work. We had a big snow recently and while I used to dislike when it snowed, I don’t mind it as much here. I went for a walk to a nearby lake and the quiet stillness of this freshly fallen snow was intoxicating for my mind. A simple reminder to slow down.
When winter first showed her face…
The night before the big snow…
The first big snow.
I admit it’s been hard to see my body changing. I’ve gained weight (though I couldn’t tell you how much, I don’t use a scale) and my clothes feel snug at times, but I have continued to remind myself why I am eating more freely. I still need to fine tune my eating (which has felt like a marathon endeavor the last five or so years), because despite the recent period – I don’t feel well when I eat too many grains or foods I’m sensitive to.
Food can give me a hangover similar to alcohol, that lasts for days.
My job is stressful as hell, so I knew it had to be something else. I knew it had to be eating more and moving less. Plain and simple. Funny how we’re taught to do the opposite, but when things go awry in the body we have to go against what we know and do something much more difficult. For me it’s harder to be inactive than it is to be active.
I used to decompress by going for long runs, or intense hikes. Now I go for walks, do yoga, or listen to music.
I still daydream about the days I’d go for a long run, or find an intense mountain to climb. If I were to do that now my body would scream at me in more ways than one. I never realized how much I appreciated intense exercise until I was no longer able to do it. I still go on intense hikes, but I move MUCH slower, and go less often.
I have to be extra mindful of my decisions to ensure I do whatever I can to work WITH my body and my hormones rather than against them. Getting a period after a year in Germany was like a small piece of validation that I am doing something right and to keep going. To keep pushing though the discomfort and to keep finding the right food for my body even when the process feels never-ending.
Best goulash in Switzerland.
I don’t want to get too complacent, and I don’t want to eat too many foods that really disturb my body because that will do more harm than good (inflammation is no joke for an autoimmune disease), but I do want to keep challenging myself to let go of the idea that my body needs to stay one size at all times. Bodies change, just as much as our minds change.
The recent freedom of this acceptance has been helpful, and while I am still a work in progress I am much further today mentally than I ever have been. Progress is all I can ask for, and progress is what I’m making. What a miserable life it would be to stay locked in a box of narrow-minded thinking and miss out on the possibilities of life because I fear my body changing.
2013 vs 2019. New phone, new hair, new body. Who dis? I’m currently probably 5-10lbs heavier than the photo on the right which was taken a few months ago.
I never asked to have a disordered way of eating, it just sort of happened when I noticed changes in my body – most related to my autoimmune disease. While I am overjoyed at the return of my period last month, it didn’t come without a cost. I have had more brain fog than normal, more itchy crawling skin with rashes, more eczema flares, more dry blotchy skin, more swollen eyes, and much more inflammation.
It’s hard not to fear food when it is the leading cause for symptoms like the above. I am forever my own science experiment.
Food is medicine, and I will forever believe this, but no way of eating will ever compete with a balanced, low stress mind and body. So yes, I need to be mindful of food I am allergic to, and yes I need to be aware of my stress, but no I don’t need to be obsessive and allow these things to control my life. Some days are easier than others, and some days I just want to quit life and live in my bed forever, but I only fail if I quit trying.
This post is a reminder to myself, and to anyone else out there struggling with food, and life, and balance, and autoimmune diseases – just keep going. It won’t be easy, and it won’t be fun, but it will be worth it.
25 thoughts on “Just Keep Going”
B
Thanks for sharing you story! Bodies are so weird with how they work, and what they need or don’t need.
Brittany
You’ve got that right! 🙄🤪
thechrisdotcom
You’re selfie game is on point. It’s silly. Joking aside, I don’t know like the whole woman’s body thing, but do you have PCOS if you’re having . issues? Or is it solely related off the food thing? I’ve known a few women that have it and it kept them from Aunt Flow showing up. I don’t even know why I’m talking about this. What an ice breaker for a date….hahaha. But yeah, just keep going! Each day is a new day and you’ll tackle it differently than the day before. In due time I’m sure you’ll be able to enjoy more and maybe get back to what you’ve done in the past. Hang in there!
Brittany
No I don’t have PCOS, I’m very familiar with it though. My issues are totally related to stress, intake vs. output, and nutritional deficiencies due to my allergies. I’ve noticed trends of when I get a period, and it’s always when I take a moment to just…breathe. AKA when I stop doing this kind of work. Which is why I really need to stop doing these high paced jobs! LOL. I was surprised it came this month, I wasn’t expecting a period until I left (not that it’s a good way to live) so I think adding more carbs to my diet helped. I look forward to seeing how my body changes when I finally…FINALLY stop doing these stressful jobs. 🙂
thechrisdotcom
The beauty of the human body and our brains. You’re doing a good job and kicking ass. Are you looking to flip the table and try a different kind of job/career after your time in Germany? One maybe not so stressful? Every job is going to come with some kind of stress. But there’s also a good stress, lemme know if you find it cuz I could use that in my life too, haha. Take care!
Brittany
You ask the question I forever try to answer. I don’t want to do customer service anymore is all I know right now. I want a more manageable stress. Not the high energy in your face kind of stress. I’ll definitely keep you posted. HA.
thechrisdotcom
Sorry. I know I asked that before. My bad.
Brittany
That’s not what I mean, I meant I am forever trying to answer this myself! It’s a good question, I just don’t have an answer. LOL.
thechrisdotcom
Samsonite, I was way off.
Jill Stinson
Just want to send you love and to let you know that your post was everything I needed this morning. Happy holidays!
jillymac
Just want to send you love and let you know that, although we are strangers to one another, your post was everything I needed this morning. Happy holidays!
Brittany
What a kind comment, thank you so much! Happy holidays to you too. Sending you love for whatever you’re going through. ❤
rootchopper
Today was a pretty discouraging day for me so your post gave me a bit of a push in the right direction. My leg problems don’t seem to be getting better. (Also, I am enjoying waaay too many Xmas cookies and foraging for junk food. Bad boy!)
I read this post as I was about to see my physical therapist, fully prepared to throw in the towel. Instead we made significant changes to my routine, including taking days off the bike (Horrors!), dropping certain exercises, and adding nerve flossing. Hopefully, I’ll make some progress. We’ll see.
Thanks for the nudge.
Brittany
I’m sorry to hear you had a discouraging day, I completely understand the feeling of defeat when our bodies seem to always be working against us. I also understand the desire to throw in the towel and just eat whatever you want, sometimes those moments of being carefree are needed to remind us why we eat mindfully. Feeling good often wins for me over too many treats (although sometimes I have to run the treat trail for a while before I remember why I need a balance.)
I am happy you had some progress with your PT, and perhaps changing things us and taking some ACTUAL rest was what you needed. I know how hard that can be, but stay strong and keep pushing!
Amy
Pretty sure we’ve texted about this topic at some point… Maybe?? It just feels like something we’d do and talk about! 😉 It’s SO crazy what our bodies do and go through, especially when they’re trying to get our attention and point us in a new direction on our life’s journey. It definitely isn’t easy dealing with all of those pains and problems, but in those few moments where things start to reappear or fall into place or feel right… There’s just so much peace, even if other things aren’t quite right as a result. Maybe I’m rambling, maybe this comment is just a product of not enough sleep over the past 2 weeks… But all of this is to say that I feel ya, girl. I’m right there with you. ❤️
Brittany
Oh I am SURE we have texted about this!! It is definitely a conversation we would have. HA. I love your ramble, and you’re spot on. Bodies, and life are a CRAZY ride.
Pam
I definitely think Our bodies have a predetermined set weight ….like I’d love to weigh a lot less than I do but my body is happy where it is so why fight it, certainly not because society says so😝
Be happy where you are as long as you do move about… It’s all about tone flexibility and if you don’t use it you loose it 😂😂😅
Moderation is key….be Happy😘❤️
Brittany
I think you’re right about the predetermined weight, it’s definitely hard to let go of previous weights even when accomplished in an unhealthy way. I’m focusing more on feeeeeellllinngg good, than on “looking” good. 🙂
coffeeandcakesbakery
Ooh I remember when we went to Europe! I had that same mentality and drive to experience everything and hold nothing back! Bodies are a fickle thing and I don’t wish what you’re going through on anyone. I struggle as well even after Bariatric surgery a few years ago. My body just plateaus like ha! Take that! Thank you for sharing and your amazing pictures!!!! All the best ❤️
Brittany
Thank you! It’s a journey I don’t intend to abandon! ❤️
coffeeandcakesbakery
Definitely hang in there!
gpavants
Brittany,
A healthy balance is a blessing from the Lord. I hope you will find it as you adjust. I had to rearrange my exercise routine due to injury so I understand.
Thanks,
Gary
Brittany
Thank you Gary. ❤️
Rose
great photography!
Brittany
Thank you!