The other night I attended my first spin class in almost 6 months. It’s hard to believe I used to go to spin 3-4 times a week for over a year. While my unaccustomed backside cried out in discomfort from the saddle, and my legs screamed in pain from 6 minutes of straight sprints, I realized something..something monumental. In that moment I felt complete.
I’ve never been one to enjoy talking about deep emotions, I struggle with being vulnerable and in all honesty I hate putting my “problems” onto other people. I know what it’s like to listen to others go on and on about things they cannot change, so despite some of my internal battles, I don’t like to share them. It’s been hard for me to admit that although it’s been nearly 6 months I am still not fully recovered from my breakup. I still have moments of complete weakness where I breakdown at the drop of a hat. That’s really hard to admit.
It’s hard for me to admit that at times I still feel like I am lost, and that my direction continues to go up, then down, and then back, and then up again. It all feels complicated.
I’ve had wonderful adventures lately, and I really am finding my happiness, but I still feel as if some days are a bit of a black clouded blur. This spin class opened my eyes to what I need in my life. I need a routine. My work schedule isn’t consistent, and I can’t say I like the inconsistency, but it’s something I have to accept with this job. This spin class reminded me of the days when I had a strict, yet wonderful routine.
There is no guidebook to tell me when I am supposed to feel complete, and I’ve realized the “self work” I have to do takes TIME. Finding a consistent schedule is going to be one of the keys I need for my happiness. That spin class was a small victory for me on my road to success. I now see that I don’t need to be a medical professional to be happy, I just need a consistent schedule that makes me feel like I’ve accomplished my day. I love ending my day feeling exhausted.
I have learned so much about myself in the last 6 months it’s almost crazy to look back and see where my life was a year ago. All this time I was longing for the past and struggling with my present, without realizing some of the simple things that would help me move forward. The saying, “live and learn” really means more than I thought. One day I will return to school and pursue a career, but for now I hope to find my balance in routine.
Q: How do you feel about sharing/reading more “emotional” posts? I struggle with them and I don’t feel like the world needs to know everything, but sometimes sharing can be cathartic. I also enjoy reading more personal posts when I can relate to them.