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  • Tag: Reflection

    • Pushing Through

      Posted at 5:00 AM by Brittany, on February 2, 2021

      I recently posted a photo on Instagram with a “deep” and somewhat recurring theme for me, something I alluded to in my previous post. The words are ones I have been mulling on for years, but just when I start to lean into these words I get up and run. Typically around the three month mark of being in my hometown, my restless soul is rearing up for another adventure, another escape, another opportunity to outrun my emotions.

      But this time I am still – immobile in the grand scheme of things.

      I realize the reason this theme is so constant for me is because it’s taken me nearly a decade to work through a myriad of life events. I start to dive deep, write a blog post about my feelings, and then I flee before the real work is done. If you’ve been around this space of the internet for a while, you’ll know I’ve shared similar struggles for what feels like lightyears, and I often feel like I am prattling with these posts, but what I wrote on Instagram encompasses what I’ve needed to do for quite some time…

      “Coming back to my hometown is always hard for me. There are emotions and experiences stuck in time here, and when I move away a small part of me is trying to escape them.

      I came back this time because I knew I needed to sit with these feelings, to grieve lost friendships and relationships, to allow myself to fall on my face without the nagging judgmental voice of my ego, and to figure out what I need in order to heal and move forward.

      All of these things are possible anywhere in the world, but I find when I’m off on adventures my focus is elsewhere. So here, in this town I can’t help but feel stagnant and stuck in, I find myself face to face with the same emotions I’m always trying to outrun.

      Call it growth, call it adulting, or simply call it burn out…but I’ve been allowing myself to feel so many things since moving back. It’s not easy, it’s certainly not fun, and there are plenty of times I want to jump in my car and drive far away, but I stay. I stay in these feelings because deep in my heart I know the only way out is through.”

      Despite my broken record like posts the last few years, something is different this time. This time I am not running away. I am doing “the work” no matter how uncomfortable it might be. I’ve officially reached the point of no return, and I cannot take this cycle anymore. It’s time to move forward. So I have been spending time with myself in isolation, while also challenging myself to be more social. I struggle with meeting new people, but I know these struggles stem from deep rooted fears most of us experience from childhood.

      I am not great at small talk, the superficial conversations make me uncomfortable and anxious.

      However, I know without these awkward initial engagements with other humans it’s nearly impossible to make friends. So often I dismiss a relationship before it even begins because I hold out for those rare people I click with immediately. I crave long, deep, vulnerable conversations with people who listen and who share parts of their brokenness few others have seen. I’ve only had a few of those people cross my path within the last decade, and as much as I wish all friendships could start this way I do believe some friendships flourish after time.

      Unless you’re an animal. I will forever be the introvert in the corner with the animals. 

      Side note: I bought my cat a handmade wool cat cave…and I feel great joy every time he goes inside.

      One of the reasons I chose my current job was because I knew it would be a place of comity, filled with people who like to hike, explore, bike, and whatever else we can get into outside. Despite the common interests in activities like hiking, I still feel anxious when committing to spending time with my coworkers outside of work. Typically when I decide to push myself out of my comfort zone I move across the country…or the world…but right now I am pushing myself to be more social close to home.

      Meeting new people is a crucial part of my healing journey, and it will be impossible for me to rewrite the narratives I have about myself without putting myself out there. 

      I recently went on two hikes with two separate groups of people from work, and both excursions were good not only for my mind and my body, but also for my soul. The first hike I embarked on was one I have done many times before. In fact this used to be one of my favorite solo hikes, making it somewhat ironic I decided to hike this with three other people. While I am not usually a fan of larger groups, having more than one “new” person makes it a bit less overwhelming for me.

      I am very picky with my friends, but once I feel comfortable with someone I am an open book. Truthfully I can be an open book right off the bat, if only someone shows a genuine interest. For so much of my life I have been around people who don’t show interest in what I have to say, or they listen just to reply. This has conditioned me to keep to myself, but it has also allowed me to appreciate those special souls I meet who want to hear what I have to say.

      This aversion to other humans is something I have struggled with since the endless gaslighting of a previous relationship, causing me to question everything about myself. 

      This old hike with new friends was a nice push for me to get outside and start breaking open my shell of introversion. The only way to become more comfortable with discomfort is to continue pushing through. Four days later, I agreed to another hike with three guys I work with. This adventure ended up being a full day – 12 miles through mud, snow, flooded trail sections, many downed trees, and it was a blast.

      I tend to get along with people of all ages, but I don’t have many friends my own age. I attribute this to the fact I continue to flounder in life while most people my age have “careers.” What I love about my job is the employees range from 18 all the way to late 60’s/70’s. The first group I hiked with I was the youngest, the second I was the oldest, and yet both times were enjoyable for different reasons.

      My soul tends to connect with fellow old souls, and I have discovered physical age has nothing to do with the age of our souls.

      As I continue to grow and push myself towards personal melioration I find comfort in the discomfort. Each time my throat tightens up before a night filled with tears, when my chest aches at the thought of a lost love, or when I let go of the obsessive control over my body and what I eat, I feel oddly comforted. I know in these times of pain there is a future of flourishing.

      How joyful we could be as humans if we only took the time to work through our brokenness.

      I’m writing this post to say I am in a place of comfortable discomfort. I don’t know if that makes sense, but despite the underlying anxiety I feel most days, I know I am where I’m meant to be at this moment in time. I am enjoying meeting new people, destroying the false narratives in my mind, and finally allowing moments of the past and present to work their way through my mind. It’s amazing what we can discover if we only take a moment to put away the distractions of life and press the pause button.

      So here’s to pushing through. Through the discomfort, through the sadness, through the joy, through the laughter, and through the pain. Being human is one wild ride, but what a blessing it is to have the freedom to explore who we are, and what we need. One step, one day, one minute at a time.

      Q: How are you taking time for yourself lately?

      | 23 Comments Tagged Hiking, Life, Reflection
    • I Am…

      Posted at 6:10 AM by Brittany, on February 9, 2016
      “The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away. – Pablo Picasso.”

      The places I find inspiration and motivation are often unexpected. For example this post was completely different before I had the pleasure of watching Kung Fu Panda 3 with my family last Saturday. I was surprised by how good the movie was, but even better was the underlying message between the black and white fur.

      Grab your coffee cup, let’s get some reflections flowing.

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      If you have’t seen the movie I’ll give you a quick Clif Notes review: it’s about discovering who you are – separate from anyone else, discovering your potential, discovering how to take your talents and turn them into something great.

      Basically it was an hour and a half of positive soul vibes about taking your inner chi, also known as inner peace and making it sparkle.

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      Naturally this had thinking about who I am, who I want to be, and realizing while some of our tendencies or qualities are set in stone, many are fluid. So who am I?

      Well, let’s see…

      I am…a sister, a daughter, and a mother. A mother to cats, don’t get excited.

      I am…a  runner, but more specifically an athlete. I fell off the workout wagon this winter and was hit hard by the lazy bug. I got back into a gym routine and signed up for another half marathon to help me get my groove back.

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      My sisters Nike’s may be cooler than mine….

      I am…a student. Finally finishing my degrees through Arizona State University. I’m getting a BS in Human Communication, and it feels right.

      I am…an earthy, plant loving, self proclaimed minimalist and I think a simple life is a happy life.

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      Because every self proclaimed granola needs a pair of Birkenstocks. On the left is my 10 year old pair of troopers, and on the right are my brand new pair of warriors.

      I am…shy and outgoing all at the same time.

      I am…a sugar addict, but try my damnedest to balance my diet with real food.

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      I am…a person that likes to help. Give me a task and I’m happy to do it, that includes cleaning the bathroom. Bring it on.

      I am…a leader. At work I’m a supervisor, at home I set examples, and in society I don’t follow the crowd. I’m not jumping off the bridge with you so I hope you can swim. OK I did just say I like to help so if I see you struggling I’d put my 3rd grade swim lessons to good use.

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      That one time I was voted Partner of the Quarter. 🙂

      I am…someone that worries about making other people happy. This has plagued me my entire life and I’ve only recently let some of this go. We have to march to the beats of our own drums, because at the end of the day we’re the only ones that live our lives. I just really like when people are happy. 🙂

      I am…a foodie. Food is life, and succeeding in making a home cooked meal or baking a cake brings me great joy. #stillasugaraddict

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      I am…sensitive, and easily hurt, but am learning to accept who I am in each present moment regardless of what other people think or say.

      I am…creative. I don’t give myself enough credit, but it’s time. My creativity shines in the kitchen, in my writing, and sometimes even in my crafting. We all have a niche of creativity somewhere.

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      Creativity – random food bowls.

      I am…an explorer. The world is a giant cookie and I want to bite off as much as my sugar loving body can handle. Mountains, and valleys, and rivers, OH MY!

      I am…a giver. Why keep everything to yourself, when the world is so much larger than what you see in front of you? “Only by giving are you able to receive more than you already have. – Jim Rahn” 

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      This is a constantly changing subset of a MUCH larger list, but notice how I don’t define who I am based on what I do for work, but rather how I live my life in the bigger picture. We are often many different things, all of which make up the blue prints of who we are, and it’s up to us to create and define a life we want to live.

      Upon first meeting someone we often ask, “what do you do?” This typically refers to one specific thing such as a career, but what if we changed this question to, “what do you to to come alive?” This would then open the door for many different answers, to go with the many different tendencies and activities that make up who we are.

      My inner chi is built on a foundation of love, adventure, helping others, giving what I have, and leaving a positive footprint everywhere I step. This kind of energy allows me to worry less, accept challenges, and leap with faith knowing that everything will work out the way it’s supposed to.

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      Take a moment to think about who you are (outside of your career, or in addition to if you LOVE what you do-bonus points for that) and see if you’re truly living a life you’re proud of. You only get one, so make it count.

      Q: Who are you? Give me five bullet point ideas. 

      b

      | 97 Comments Tagged Explore, Life, Random, Reflection
    • Reflections over Resolutions

      Posted at 9:25 AM by Brittany, on December 31, 2015

      I fully understand the importance of having a full time job, saving for the future, using my resources to my advantage, and “adulting” in a responsible way. I take great pride in watching my IRA and 401K grow each and everyday.

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      With that said, I also understand the importance of living life to the fullest, whatever that may mean for you. I write these posts once every so many months, and find they are predominently written when I am away from the high paced, somewhat high stress environment that comes with a job like mine.

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      Don’t get me wrong, I am 100% aware that what I think I become, and what I feel I project. My stress is 100% self made and it’s my choice whether or not I have a smooth day or a tough day. I can manifest my own destiny day in and day out.

      How powerful is that?

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      These posts flare up when I have time to reflect, to think, to just be. Vacation is a fantastic opportunity to not only reset your body, but reset your mind.

      I often leave my vacations with a better mindset on how I want to live my life, in and out of a 9-5 job scene.

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      Granted I don’t work a 9-5 job, I have chump change for a daily routine, and some days are a cake walk, but you get the idea.

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      The feelings I get after a great run are the feelings I want in life. A sense of accomplishment from something only I have control over. I am the one to determine the effort put into each and everything I do, and at the end of the day I am the only one with control over how I view what I’ve done to succeed in life.

      Success comes in many shapes and sizes.

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      I take comfort knowing that I am setting myself up for a future I want, but I have also made an attempt to fully accept living each day for what it is. The stress of society is not something I want to be too caught up in, and as I reflect on my year, my life, and my being, I am discovering more of what I want in my life and what I view as success.

      I finally believe that when you quiet your mind of negative thoughts, allow your creativity to flow, and accept the present moment, life works the way it’s meant to.

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      As my last post of 2015, I leave with a compilation of reflections. My only goal for 2016 is to further explore the power of my own thoughts, and how to start listening to them better. I want to take more risks, climb more mountains, eat more food, drink more coffee, and help more people. In sum I want to be fully and 100% alive.

      What good is a life spent in an environment where you don’t actually feel alive? It’s a waste of precious chromosomes if you ask me, and I’m not one to waste.

      Arizona, what is this bright thing?

      Arizona, what is this bright thing?

      No questions, just spewing brain sludge today. Cheers to a happy, healthy, and successful 2016 – whatever that means to you!

      b

      | 80 Comments Tagged Arizona, New Year, Reflection, Running, Vacation
    • BRITTANY- Self proclaimed minimalistic nomad striving to maintain a balanced, healthy life with good food, long bike rides, deep connections, exploration, and lots of cucumbers.
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