…to talk of many things.
The last time I started a post with these words I shared with the world my thoughts, feelings, and emotions after going through a breakup. No, let me rephrase – after going through the breakup. You know, the one that shakes you so hard to the core that your life will never be the same.
Grab a cup of coffee, this is going to be one of those posts.
I’m thankful for this time in my life, and despite going through the typical hardships that come with a split it was in this time that I discovered how to be on my own. I had a sense of peace about the situation that I will never forget.
I will also never forget how this relationship robbed me of my ability to be vulnerable. I made it my mission to be stronger alone and never again let someone make me loose all desire to have a mind of my own. It took me three years to realize I had accomplished this mission, but had then continued running with it further than I needed to.
For the last few months I’ve been in an odd place. I have alluded to a void that I have been trying to fill in other posts, but they all come back to the fact that I feel out of balance mentally, physically, and spiritually.
I’ve been trying to figure out the root cause of a myriad of health issues the last nine months which has put me into a bit of a funk. I don’t believe in a quick fix, and am not interested in drugs, pills, or other cover-ups which has made this process a bit long. I am a big believer that most anything can be fixed through food.
I’ve developed a handful of food intolerance’s the last year that suddenly gave me the desire to try adding animal products back into my diet. Long story short this hasn’t been working and always leaves me mentally distraught. I regret nothing, and don’t feel the need to expand on this anymore. I’m only sharing because I believe in being as transparent as possible.
I still haven’t figured everything out, but what I have figured out is that after being fearful of what I ate for months, stuffing any emotions that I felt because: “I can do this on my own, no one wants to hear my problems” and eventually spiraling into a: “I don’t care anymore I’m going to eat anything and everything” what I need is quite simple. What I need is other people.
In all honesty it’s been difficult finding other people that enjoy the things I enjoy. I’m an odd bird that enjoys eating plants, running streets, climbing mountains, and exploring new places. You’d think living in the PNW this would be simple, but I’m surrounded by sedentary people. In order for me to find a circle of people I genuinely enjoy being around I will have to step outside of my comfort zone.
What started as a necessary journey of figuring out how to be on my own, has transitioned me into a deep hole of isolation from other people. I don’t know how to talk to people about my feelings because I’ve never felt validated. I don’t regret taking the time to be alone, but I’m starting to realize that perhaps the void I’m seeking to fill is learning how to be vulnerable again, and knowing that it’s OK to fall down.
Human beings thrive on companionship and while it’s essential to know how to stand on your own, I now realize it’s just as essential to lean on each other when you’re in need of an ear to listen, an arm to hug, or a partner to run with.
I don’t typically enjoy posting things like this, but to bring this topic of leaning on others full circle I want anyone else out there to know that if you’re feeling similar things that you’re not alone. We all go though moments in life that cause us to reflect, and it’s what we do with the thoughts and emotions that matters. You can either sink with the waves or swim to the shore.
Last week I set out for a bike ride only to discover I had a flat tire. Drat. I knew how to take the wheel off my bike thanks to watching my dad do it many times. The problem didn’t arise until I returned home from REI to discover I couldn’t figure out how to get the wheel back onto the gears. I let the bike sit in my garage for a few days before deciding to take the bike back (stuffing it awkwardly in my car because I didn’t want to have to ask for help) and let them reattach my wheel.
I knew in the back of my mind that I had a neighbor familiar with bikes, but I had never spoken to him. I didn’t want to ask him for help because it made me uncomfortable. Just as I was going to attempt getting my car filthy I got a burst of confidence and decided to ask him for help.
He put the tire back on my bike in less than a minute.
It’s in these moments of discomfort that we grow. I’m uncomfortable asking other people for help, but it’s time for me to get over that. It’s OK to need other people. It’s OK to need help, and more importantly it’s OK to be vulnerable. No one is created with bionic emotions, so it’s essential for us to embrace them all. Besides, helping others gives me a great excuse to bake cookies and share coffee as a thank you.
Writing this post feels good, like a small weight has been lifted. Overall things in my world are great – I’m an optimist, and stubborn as hell so I see every experience as an opportunity to grow into a bigger and better you. I’m ready to put this experience into my learning jar and move forward.
So who wants to come venture into the mountains with me? I suppose not every hike needs to be solo. 😉
No questions today, just feel free to share thoughts, experiences, and emotions.