1. I have been struggling to write here for two months. Not because I don’t want to write, but rather everything I want to say feels a bit…heavy. I have instead been spewing these thoughts into my journal and avoiding this space. An Early Morning Confessions post feels an appropriate way to ease back into writing here, while sharing a bit of what’s been going on in my world.
2. My anxiety lately has been through the roof. I have become quite good at accepting my emotions for what they are instead of trying to “fix” them, but right now I feel like I’m drowning. I am a firm believer that depression and anxiety are simply a way for our body to physically tell us something is out of alignment. I know moving back to my hometown is a large part of this anxiety, but for now I feel the need to sit with it.
3. It has taken me years, and I mean YEARS to get to a place in my life where exercise is no longer a punishment for something I have eaten. I am not perfect in this, and I still have moments of “relapse” with the unhealthy way of thinking, but I have finally begun a morning routine that is almost strictly to manage my anxiety. It’s a wonderful place to be. I have been jogging, and after years of avoiding this activity because of my autoimmune disease it feels good.
4. I am thankful for my job, and I work for an incredible company, but I grapple with my mind almost everyday before work. I am in an entirely new to me field, and the lack of intuitive knowledge I have makes me extremely uncomfortable. My perfectionism continues to literally kill me. Somehow over the years my ability to work with people has diminished. You would never know if you were to work with me, I am great at wearing a mask, but I long for a job that allows me to work more behind the scenes. Give me a task, and set me free to work on it…alone.
5. I have been back in Washington for three months, and I miss Germany every single day. The hardest part is that my life in Germany feels like a distant memory, like a foggy dream. I often feel like it never really happened. I didn’t expect to come “home” and talk about this experience 24/7, but I did expect to talk about it. I have talked very little about my life the last two years, and this has left a gaping hole in my soul. The worst part is that even if I were to talk about it, only someone who has experienced a similar cultural shift would truly understand.
6. I haven’t ridden my bike since October 20th. A combination of weather and the lack of places to ride near by have given me little to no motivation. I would give anything for one more day on those Bavarian bike paths…
7. In January of 2014 I lost my menstrual cycle. It took me five years of obsessive reading, experimenting, and self discovery to finally put in the work and restore this problem. In December of 2019, after committing to eating more and gaining (a lot) of weight, my cycle returned. This month marks one FULL YEAR of healthy, clockwork consistent cycles. It hasn’t been easy, and my hormones have been WILD, but this process is showing me just how resilient I am.
8. I bought an advent calendar from Starbucks back in the day, one that could be reused, any my mom refilled it this year. I had something to open everyday and it brought such joy to my days.
9. One of the main reasons I decided to stay with my family for a bit was to finally take the time to be still. I needed to allow residual trauma to work its way though my body, find a therapist to have consistent conversations with, and discover what I truly want in my life. I do believe a lot of my anxiety and depression is stemming from this trauma moving around, but I haven’t been diligent in finding a therapist. While this is still an important part of my journey, sitting with the discomfort alone is also necessary.
10. Despite everything I have shared in this post, I am doing ok. I am blessed with an amazing family, I have a cat best friend who is glued to my hip, and I have faith that I will continue to walk through this season of life with my head held high. To feel pain is to be human, and running from these emotions only prolongs the healing process. I know a lot of us are struggling more than usual right now with all the chaos of the world, but I hope you find comfort in knowing you’re not alone.
Q: What’s your confession?
33 thoughts on “Early Morning Confessions”
My confession is that I miss you here in Germany! BUT I also know that, as difficult as this season may be, God has us in each place for a reason. Thanks for being so open and remind me to send you a podcast I recently listened to on all the phases of our menstrual cycle. It’s helped me so much on my journey with period pain. Love & miss you, friend!
I can always count on you to say the right things at just the right time. I am so incredibly thankful for your friendship. More than you will ever know.
I’ve been following your blog for years Brittany, and wanted to thank you for sharing – not just this post but for your openness in general, your thoughtful introspection, and of course all the wonderful photos! I am glad you’re finding some solace in being present with your thoughts, and I’m sending you all my strength and good energy. I wanted you to know that I was having difficult thoughts today, and your post came at exactly the right time. Take care x
Thank you for this kind, thoughtful comment. I find if we can connect with others in any way possible life becomes a little bit sweeter.
Hang in there, Kid! Life is not easy
Thank you. It certainly is not, but they say nothing worth having comes easy!
I recently have taken a deep dive into learning more about hormones. I’m curious how they effect training, my Ulcerative Colitis & mood. I found an app created by the woman that wrote ROAR (dr. Stacy sims) were it suggest proper fuel post exercise and the types of exercise to maximize the cycle. Since I’m in a flare up and kind of laid up, with food restrictions, the jury is still out.
(It’s called wild.ai- and I found it through dr. Sims website, of you’re interested.)
My mood was the biggest reason I started looking more into my hormones. The drastic drops in how I felt were alarming. I will check out the app, thank you for sharing.
I am sorry you’re in the midst of a flare. I’m sending you hugs. ❤️
Bradley on the Run
Thanks for sharing – I’ve missed your posts. I can weirdly relate to your ‘back home’ experience. I lived in Japan for 6 years (and then for a year in New Zealand). Coming home, I found it difficult to talk about – people didn’t really care to hear about my life, except superficially. They didn’t understand. And it totally felt like a dream. I think it eventually becomes part of your lived story, as the experiences transform into memories.
I find comfort in your final sentence. Thank you for sharing more of your experiences, I still think you’ve lived such an amazing life!
Judith P. Dionne
Thank you, for sharing and being so open with your emotions. I don’t know about you, but when I put my thoughts and feelings on virtual paper, or real paper, I feel a weight has been lifted. When I publish it, I feel a catharsis because now everyone is helping me carry my burden. I hope this has helped you feel lighter. Take care and Happy New Year.
PS: I hope you find a place to bike again. ❤️
Thank you for your comment, I couldn’t agree more about the relief of sharing my thoughts. My blog has completely transformed into a therapeutic space for me, and I love it. The community here is so supportive and uplifting. ❤️
You should count your lucky stars. For the last ten years of my career, I was subjected to management training classes that operated under the premise that behaving like an extrovert was the only way to career success. Must not kill!
In a pandemic, being an extrovert, especially an extrovert living alone, is brutally hard. Introversion is a super power. Who knew?
Big changes in life trigger anxiety and depression. That’s totally normal. Navigating back to some sort of equanimity is difficult but it will come. Regular exercise, especially aerobic exercise, helps a lot. I’d go mad without it. (Ask my family.) Running, hiking, swimming, cycling. Meditation is also useful.
Let your mind go anywhere it wants. (Neil Finn). Trust that your mind will sort it all out in time.
Trust me, I am extremely thankful to be an introvert in these Covid times. Alas I still crave human connection, but more so the deep spiritual kinds. I no longer manage well with the superficial chatting.
I’m leaning into the feelings more than ever, and I know in time I’ll find my way. Until the next life altering event, but I’ll continue to get better and better at this thing called life!
Thank you for your comment and support.
I admire you for sharing all this. Just getting it down “on paper” must be helpful in itself. I wish you well! (Love your cat…what a beauty)
Getting it out there is ALWAYS helpful. Sometimes I worry I share too much, but at the end of the day putting these thoughts onto “paper” is so therapeutic for me. Thank you. ❤️
My confession is that as grateful as I am to have finished grad school, with also knowing it was an amazing privilege to be able to obtain a higher education degree, I am okay with not looking/forcing the next step. I have other/more deeper knowings of what the path is meant to look like for me and now is the time to put it into a greater vision and into motion. I have had to find a place of acceptance that no matter what I choose to do, I am worthy and enough. Forcing will not lead me to alignment. Right now it is time to heal + rest. Grad school during a pandemic was an experience and meant I was often pushing through when I felt like I needed to rest + just be. All will come when I allow myself to be. Thank you for sharing your thoughts; I’ve always found your blog inspiring.
I am sososo proud of you for coming to this place! Grad school is an AMAZING feat, and something you should be incredibly proud of completing, but listening to your spirit, mind, and body must be priority now.
Rest. Reevaluate. And if you decide this was the end of your (higher) educational journey that is OK! Who knows, maybe you’ll be ready for more a decade from now. No one says you have to do it all at once! Only the stillness and silence will show you what you truly want and need! ❤️
Welcome back….I knew it would be challenging upon Your return; after living abroad for two plus years and traveling about Europe almost every off day soaking up so much and then to have Covid land at Your feet and the return home to the stillness of same could almost be equated to watching wallpaper being hung….Your life abroad was so full of new and each day had its own stimulus, hard to give up but know that after a decade of being there it to would become just ordinary, unless You were traveling about.
What I truly know is that You need to establish Where You want to be and How You want to live, determine what Your home is to be Then You can grow and thrive ….if You are not sure of Where or How then maybe the acceptance of a Nomadic life will bring You Peace❤️🙏 As You continue to explore I wish You all good things , keep Your wonderment of travel , know that there’s always tomorrow and saying yes is okay👍😊
Happy New Year 🎉
The nomadic life is something I cannot seem to escape, but for now i press pause. Perhaps accepting this is the key to emotional freedom!
I was literally just thinking about you the other day and missing your Early Morning Confessions posts! So happy to see you in my reader 🙂
Congrats on a YEAR of healthy cycles! That is a huge accomplishment!
It has been a wild year, and I’m thankful for this small sliver of normalcy in my body! ❤️
Apologies if it double posts…technology… 😣
Aside from the sadness, depression, the anxiety, and the uncertain, you do a really good job of being so aware of your own mental health. You’re already doing something right. Change isn’t easy. The last 3 months have been very hard for me as well, the lowest I’ve been with depression, too. So I know what it feels like. Obviously we have different types of situations and types of anxiety and depression, but we all have the same goal of turning that around eventually. And I’d have to say, your writings and blogs will prove how well you’re in tune with yourself. Not a lot of people are like that, I know I’m not but I am getting better at it! But you, you’re definitely doing something right. By the way, there is no gap in your soul from the last 2 years, because it’s showing in you right now and it showed in you then. It’s also ok to feel sad, we all have accept that feeling sometimes and it suuuuuuuuuucks. Time heals everything.
I have to confess, I was jealous when you were in Germany. The pictures of the food, the scenery, the girl with the coffee and big smile, the cows, and other beautiful things. And I don’t say that because you were there, because I’m obviously obsessed with Leavenworth that when you were in the real Bavarian town, I may have had a little jealousy in me, jk jk. I hope you make it back there some day and I know you will. Or maybe life will take you another direction. But in the end, you will find what makes you happy.
I once ran a red light and felt bad that I pulled over and waited a minute like it was a time out before driving again. Luckily it was in a small neighborhood and no one was around to hit and stuff, but still.
Here’s a really bad confession, I like Diet Coke. (I know, bad for teeth and stuff, I don’t drink it often)
I’m a crier, not a lot. But when it’s ok to cry, I cry, ugly cry. Probably uglier than any ugly cry from a girl.
I’ve never seen an episode of the Office. Still not planning on it…
I have to confess that my truck is way over due for an oil change.
I don’t stay up on it, but I like to be clean. With it being a new year, it’s time to get in a new routine. I’ve already started it off right, so I need to stick with it.
I also have to confess that I have a little crush on this girl I follow on Instagram, not Hilary Duff this time. She’s super cool. She has a blog too. Never met her, but the photos of her trips (and sometimes her) and writings is what drew me in. And her writings are so well written that it’s like you already know their personality in a way, and that’s what made her attractive. It wasn’t the pretty smile, or the freckles, or cute nose ring, and lets not forget the super cute hair….you get the hint. You seem like a fun person and someone who is caring, strong, fun, intelligent, and I like your style. Leaving it at that, nothing more. OMG embarrassing.
I must confess that I probably just shot your anxiety through the roof, I feel bad and I’m sorry. BUT, you asked the question, “what’s your confession?” So I answered, haha. But I also did it because what do I have to lose? Nothing really. I too, have things to work on and confidence is one. But like the Rolling Stones once said, “You can’t always get what you want.” And that’s part of life. So I pushed myself. Next is sky diving (not really but maybe someday).
Brittany, stay strong. Get out and explore while home. God is giving you fresh coffee beans right now, go make a kick ass cup of coffee!
P.S. I confess, that joke was dumb, I thought it’d be funny to replace lemons with coffee. I also hope I didn’t come off as a creep, I respect you as a person and someone I follow on social media. I’m gonna go hide now.
It didn’t post twice! 🙌🏻 Your comment is so kind, thank you for your words about my own struggles and your own. Community is everything!
I was jealous of me in Germany, and looking back even though the circumstances weren’t ideal, it was an amazing experience I will never forget. I hope to return sooner rather than later.
I’ve run many red lights…and never once felt guilty. Whoops. LOL. All your confessions are great, and I commend you for the one about your crush. That takes guts. You didn’t make me anxious at all, but if you had said that to my face I would have been blushing a deep red. I think my favorite compliments are always with regard to my writing. So thank you. Also the coffee/lemon analogy was great. 😂
Good to hear from you. It sounds like a healing time is commencing. It really has been a real testing of every aspect of our person having to deal with COVID. I pray the Lord keeps realigning things in your life.
Healing is indeed commencing, or so I hope! I am leaning into the Lord hoping for as much guidance as possible. Thank you for your words. 🙏🏻
I had been thinking a lot about you around Christmas and New Year’s… especially how we sometimes overlapped in AZ yet never were quite close enough geographically to meet up in person. Eventually that will change, and I can’t wait for that day to finally come. ♡
You’re so brave, Brittany. Yes, to write about these things you’re going through — but even more, to willingly face the thoughts, emotions, anxieties, and massive roller coaster that comes with walking through the fire of trauma and perfectionism. That’s not something everyone is willing to do, especially when it comes to healing the wounds we’ve kept hidden or subconscious for so long. It’s truly inspiring to read about you doing that. Healing is definitely a journey, rather than a destination, and one that can often feel as if it has more darkness than light. I’m so proud of you and how you keep going on this journey, one step at a time, regardless of how crippling the anxiety and other emotions can feel.
You’re a true gem of a human being and such a beautiful soul. Sending you so much love, sweet friend. ❤️
I still sometimes can’t believe we have never “met.” This day will be so magical when it happens.
I always appreciate and adore your support. It definitely doesn’t feel brave to sit with these feelings, but I do know most people avoid them at all costs. I don’t fault those people, emotions are hard! 🤪 All I know is I’ll keep on this journey as long as I can. ❤️
I’ve been going through a lot too recently, and my hormones play a huge role, for sure! I had an emotional breakdown two weeks ago, and being in an environment that’s under constant lockdown, brutally cold weather, and overall sense of ennui is just not right for the body and soul. I hope we get through our funks soon enough ❤
Sending you lots of love friend, hoping spring weather brings more than just sun!
What a sweet and transparent post. Love and hugs sent your way💖♥️💕
You are so cool! I don’t suppose I’ve read something like this before. So wonderful to discover somebody with original thoughts on this topic. Really.. thank you for starting this up. This website is something that is needed on the internet, someone with some originality!