If you’re ready for a roller coaster post sit tight because this one is for you. If you’re not, skip it and come back later this week – I’ll have something witty I’m sure.
I’m going to keep this as simple and straight forward as possible because thick/chunky paragraphs are only meant for essay papers. I have officially finished the chemistry class I’ve been taking for the last 3 months, and my soul is completely stripped.
I realize I sound dramatic, but really, I can’t remember a time when I’ve been as miserable as I have been the last few months. I have a tendency to be a perfectionist in certain areas, and when I struggle at this I’m affected all over.
I basically lost control over my life because I was putting too much energy into ONE class. I gained weight, I used food as comfort, I cried (a LOT), I stressed every day, and I missed my job. I was working smaller shifts and really missed my full days.
I am completely aware that many people can handle one class like this (and then some,) but I clearly could not. Sure, I’ve taken full class loads in the past (including 2 chem classes!), but I never took things as seriously as I do now. Despite the fact my grades have all been decent, it wasn’t until this year I decided to really give school 100%. This class showed me I wasn’t able to handle stress as well as I thought I was.
I’m happy to report that as I got closer to the end of it all, my ability to stay calm and collected grew immensely. Chemistry taught me to stay calm when my life felt wild.
To be honest the thought of taking the next level of this class, plus an additional year of the heavier duty chemistry classes (on top of multiple other classes) makes me want to barf. I’m fully aware that nothing worth having comes easy, but here’s the problem: I’m still not 100% sure what I want to do with my life. I am completely happy where I am right now, and yet I continue to try and squeeze a square into a shape fit for a circle. So what does this mean? I have no idea.
I’m not saying I’m done with this path, I just don’t know where the next bend in the road is. Maybe I’m a quitter, maybe I’m lost, maybe I don’t have what it takes, or maybe I’m at a point in my life where I realize each second I get on this earth is precious and should never be spent doing things my heart isn’t fully invested in. I want to finish my degree, and I know I will, but I don’t know when or where.
What I do know is that I am comfortable being uncomfortable about my future. I’m comfortable working two jobs (most of you don’t know this, but along with Starbucks I’m also a certified caregiver through Washington state. I only provide “care” for my sister, but it’s a nice additional paycheck for something I’d be doing anyway.)
Helping my family is a priority.
I’m writing this post because I know I’m not alone. I know there are a handful of people out there that are in the same boat as I am, and this is to let you know that YOU are not alone. It’s more common than we think to be lost all the way through our mid 20’s. Trust me, I have my days of feeling like a “loser,” but really where does that get me, and who gets to determine the validity of that? I’m happy, I’m healthy, and I have a job I love that allows me to live a lifestyle I am happy with. It’s not my ending point, but it’s my segue into a bigger picture that hasn’t been painted yet.
Update: I wrote this post a week before finishing my class and left it in my draft bin. I have signed up for the next section of chemistry and plan to continue forward with my current goal, but wanted to share my thoughts about where I’ve been mentally the last few months. Also, don’t be shocked if I change my path again in the near future. I’m notorious for that.
No questions, just thoughts and input!