I am an emotional human. I attach myself easily to people and to places (although I hide it well, it takes a lot for me to show my vulnerable side), and although I consider myself a minimalist – every so often I attach myself to things (currently my bike.) That being said, while I would consider myself good at enacting change in my life (usually impetuously), I also struggle immensely with change.
OK, but who doesn’t?
I think my biggest hurdle when it comes to change is that I like control and certainty. When making decisions I have a hard time feeling fully confident in the choices I make, because I easily panic wondering if I made the right decision. Truth be told I don’t really believe there is a right or wrong decision, there is just “a decision” and life follows accordingly. Certainty is almost never an option.
Life adjusts to the paths we choose.
I have learned a lot about myself in the last year, specifically in the last handful of months. I started a brief, but helpful counseling routine from March-July and while my journey is no where near complete it was a nice introduction into some deeeeeeep work that needs to be done. I also discovered some truths about myself during the three month Corona quarantine, when my life of non stop travel was brought to an abrupt, but necessary halt.
Traveling has become a huge part of my life in the last decade, and it wasn’t until recently that I discovered while traveling is amazing – it can also be a bandaid. The moment I get antsy or feel the discomfort of stillness (aka prime time to sit with emotions) I do something drastic. Travel has been one of many ways I continue running from emotional traumas I have been running from since before I can remember.
This is not to say traveling isn’t also a way to heal, it has been extremely liberating to embark on some of the adventures I have embarked on, but there is such thing as too much travel.
I have somewhat unknowingly been carrying a lot of emotional baggage throughout my life, stemming back to my childhood. My last relationship triggered some deep rooted abandonment issues and I am now noticing how some of my behaviors the last few years have been a result of these stuffed emotions. The human body is an amazing machine, and does what it needs to in order to feel safe, but eventually the storms need to be faced.
Trauma is not something you can outrun, it must be worked through, felt, acknowledged, and honored before the energy in your body can be released.
Every single one of us as humans have some type of stored trauma in our bodies. And so many of us suffer with similar emotional setbacks. I have found myself not allowing enough down time to actually process my emotions, and I am constantly running from one thing to the next. So often we are told to quiet our emotions, don’t show weakness, if it wasn’t a physical abuse it wasn’t a big deal, emotional abuse isn’t as serious…
I’m here to tell you it’s serious.
While I am farther than I was yesterday, and the day before, I am painfully aware that I need to press the pause button on life.
What a better time than now to do this, while the world is quite literally in a moment of pause (or at least it should be.) My life in Germany has been a whirlwind. I have done so many things while moving at a speed my body was never meant to keep up with. I have lived so much life in such a short period of time, but along the way I started to loose my balance. My footing became wobbly, like walking on loose gravel.
I’ve found myself in a limbo where it feels like I am falling and the floor underneath me is no where to be seen.
My health has taken a backseat and this high paced lifestyle is no longer serving me. To be honest it never really was. I so desperately want to live a life in Europe, and I have stuck with a job that has robbed me of my sanity and my peace. I am in desperate need of a rest, and a reset. It has been a difficult decision, but it’s time for me to return to Washington, press the pause, and reevaluate what I want in my life.
I have come up with a few things I hope I can enforce as non negotiables moving forward.
- Stillness – I need time in each day where I wake up without having to rush off to a job where my nervous system is bombarded with action for 8 hours straight. My autoimmune disease flares when my body is stressed.
- Community – while honoring my needs of being alone, I must prioritize fostering a FEW deep, core throbbing friendships. Loneliness leads to unhealthy coping behaviors.
- Balance – this is my favorite word for a reason, my life needs a balance in what I eat, how I move, and how I share my time.
- Boundaries – I struggle with boundaries. I give my all when I don’t have my all to give. I don’t speak up when my voice needs to be heard. I know what I need to feel balance, and I need to ensure I set these boundaries.
- Adventure – I need the right mix of adventure and reality. Time to sit with my thoughts, but also time to see the world at a much slower pace.
- Healing – I want to feel my emotions more. I want to feel sad, I want to feel happy, I want to feel despair, I want to feel joy, I want to FEEL. The only way out is through.
- Bravery – I muuussssttt get over my anxiety surrounding meeting new people. The only boundary I’ve enforced has gone too far the wrong way and the walls surrounding me are sky high.
I am devastated to be leaving Garmisch, this place has become my home and the mountains surrounding me have become my therapy space. I feel pain and sorrow thinking about no longer living near the bike paths that have lifted me up when I was falling apart. Part of me feels like I am giving up, but at the end of the day I don’t want to settle. I don’t have a clear vision of what the right decision is, but I do know I need to pause.
My body has been screaming at me to do something different for months. It’s both a blessing and a curse to be so in tune with my physical body.
I have been living in a cyclical cycle of ups and downs for nearly a decade, and I am finally realizing why there has been no significant break in this loop. I run to the next adventure hoping it will heal my wounds, when I am the only one who can. So while I might feel unsure of what the right decision is, I am choosing to trust in the process of life. My need for control stems from a need to feel safe, but at the end of the day I will never have full control. Only God has that power.
All I can do is choose to sink or swim while my life plays itself out.
I have one month left in Garmisch, and I will be moving to Washington at the end of September. I don’t know if I will ever feel total peace about it, but each day I challenge myself to get further away from my black and white thinking. When I came here I was only planning to stay for 15 months, and here we are almost two years later.
I will live in Europe again, but I will have a better lifestyle more conducive to my needs. I need to remind myself that although I love this area, my life as a whole is not in a sustainable balance. I could have sought out another job, but at the end of the day I ain’t living the life I need or want right now, and it’s time to face the music that is emotional healing. Healing leads to change, and change is a beautiful thing.
Besides, it’s also time to see my family after a lonnnggg time away. My cat has no idea the storm that’s coming his way. (Me, I am the storm.)
Q: How do you make difficult decisions?
Blissfulbritt 
42 thoughts on “Change is a Beautiful Thing”
thesweetadventurer
Really nice and brave post. I appreciated every line! Congratulations on your decision and good luck in this next chapter of your adventure.
Brittany
Thank you! Took me a while to actually hit the publish button. 🙂
Miriam
I always enjoy reading your stories. I love how you are able to travel and visit all these beautiful places. You are an inspiration and we all have our demons to fight. I hope you find your peace and balance in life and I wish you all the best.
Brittany
You are too kind! Thank you for these words.
sixechojnz
THIS! ❤️❤️❤️
>
Brittany
YOU! ❤ Have I told you how much it means when you read my posts?
rockcakesramblings
Difficult decision for you, but you’ve done so well, and you’re right about healing. Give yourself credit for all your achievements. Wishing you all the very best. I’ve loved reading your blog, I hope you keep it up!
Brittany
Thank you!! Your comment means a lot. I will definitely continue to blog, this space is my therapy!
Liz H
Wonderful travels you’ve had in so many challenging landscapes. Time now for the innerscapes; it’s fine to sit on the train & not quite know where it’s going. The track is laid, lean back and sip a tea!
Brittany
What a wonderful way to put things. The train of life, I don’t think we will ever quite know where it’s going. I will remember this analogy when I am feeling overwhelmed. Which is often. HA!
Liz H
🥰
thechrisdotcom
The fact that you’re so in tuned with yourself Brittany, you’re gonna go places. I know it.
I understand what you mean when we are on the go and avoiding the things that bring us down. I’ve had my troubles. And I wish I could do as a good as job as you do when recognizing it. But no one is perfect and I don’t give up. And I don’t know you that personally but damn do you kick ass and you’re motivating others.
I know your time is coming to an end there. But treat every day as a new day. You have friends and family and a kittah waiting for you here at home. All the stories, the language and words you’ll teach others, the knowledge, the wisdom, and everything else. You kick ass.
Brittany
Your kindness bring a smile to my soul. Thank you friend. Life sure has a funny way of whirling and swirling around!
Julanne
Glad you hit the publish button on this one! You are courageous and wise to be recognizing and facing your past. May you find peace in the still moments of both the literal and emotional journies!
Brittany
Thank you friend. This feels like one of the bigger changes I’ve gone through, but I know I have plenty of adventure left ahead of me.
rootchopper
You’re such a wimp!
Just kidding.
I hope you realize that the personal journey is not yours alone. That you have articulated this so openly is a gift to many others who are slogging through similar trials.
I called my 2018 bike tour the Any Road Tour. I knew roughly where I wanted to end up but had no firm idea how I was going to get there. As George Harrison sang, “If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will take you there.” I tried not to think about the totality of the task to avoid being overwhelmed or cast into the pit of depression and anxiety. (Hey, just another 3,520 miles and seven mountain passes to go. I’m so screwed!) I just took each day as it came. Headwinds. Tailwinds. Storms. Sunny days. Bugs. Wind turbines. The best beer belly in the world. The nicest Swiss metal band bass player you’d ever want to meet. Long arduous climbs. Thrilling descents. The triumphant smell of salt water in the air. Not a bad metaphor for life.
Now, as for the loss of those amazing bike trails. Washington State had all kinds of wonderful riding. I’ve never ridden on the San Juans but hear they are the very best. And I highly recommend the North Cascades. Lots of climbing but oh the views and Lake Diablo is surreal.
All the best as your adventure in Germany winds down.
Brittany
I always appreciate your wisdom and fatherly like input. It truly does mean a lot. I do think I need to give Washington a chance with biking, I just can’t beat the EASE of hopping on a trail in my backyard here. That’s not to say a drive doesn’t make a ride worthy. I look forward to exploring my home state. I have wanted to see Lake Diablo for years, can’t say I’ve ever thought about biking to it though!
I hope to one day have a biking excursion like your 2018 bike tour, I loved that adventure for you.
PUSH ANIMAL
Proud of you. Always, always rooting for you. ❤
Brittany
Thank you friend!!
Amy
I’ve been thinking about you almost every day for the last two weeks and wondering how you’ve been doing. ❤️ I am SO incredibly proud of you. Even just to admit where you’re at with your health, travel, band-aids, and running away from so much is really difficult… Let alone to decide to do something about it by embracing stillness, slowness, and less “doing” in order to process, feel, and heal. You are truly brave, Brittany, and so much stronger than you know. 🙏🏻 I know you tend to keep your circle of soul-mate friends and confidantes on the small side, but if you ever need anything or want to talk / vent / cry / anything else, I’m just a text or a Marco away. And I mean it. Nothing is ever too small or too silly. 😘❤️
Brittany
Thank you, thank you!! I have been meaning to text you and tell you that I couldn’t log into my Marco Polo, and now I am in the process of deleting it because it’s attached to a phone number I no longer have, SO I will have to find you again if and when I get a new number in the states. BUT I can still text through my Apple ID. I am feeling ALL sorts of weird right now, but I KNOW this is just life!! Things will feel stable again, and then I can expect them to feel UNSTABLE again after that. I will definitely keep you in my thoughts and who knows, I may just take this time to drive to California!!
Hettie D.
I hope that your return and re-adjusting to life in the US will be smooth, although it might be not. I am a very stable person in the current stage of my life, but it is not easy to stay calm in the US these days. The week I spent in Finland at the end of July made a huge difference in how I feel and how I live now. It was not only being able to see my husband after six months of not seen him but also I was a glimpse of a normal life. We both have a clear understanding that “the war is not over,” it was just a short leave, but it was great for my mental health.
I hope you got enough mental strength to get back and stay sane! Good luck!
Brittany
Sometimes I think I am crazy to return to America, especially right now, but I have a gut calling to be with my family right now. I pray my transition is as smooth as can be given the current situations. Thank you for your well wishes. I’m glad you hear you were able to see your husband after so long!
Hettie D.
And you should follow your guts. You were not ready to return last time we talked about it, and now you are.
Brittany
Thank you for your continued support!
Hettie D.
you bet 🙂
Pam
How do I make difficult decisions…… I have this process, I tit (think it thru) to death😬 if I’m being really true to myself , I will ask is this for me or am I doing this for others or some other reason……and most of all , what is the outcome I am looking for. When you can allow yourself to make choices and know that sometimes they might not work out but it’s okay and you learn from them you become stronger and more sure footed about the future choices you will make. Worst, Best case scenario……listen to your gut….if only everyone believed in the golden rule …… be kind , believe, never give up……Hope and Faith= ❤️
Create your safe place and keep that for You, find what gives You joy
Breathe
Brittany
I need to ask myself “is this for me or others” more often. All too often I do things more for others. Thank you for your endless support! ❤
Josh dV
That is quite a share friend. Thank you.
You imply there is a lot more behind these words and as someone who has been a part of AA and therapies I know that we are often surprised by the things we are able to keep from ourselves. Know that I love and support you in whatever way you need me to. I have complete belief in you!
How do I make decisions? Somewhat recklessly honestly. Maybe it’s an alcoholic thing or a child of an alcoholic thing but I move faster than my family (especially my wife) is comfortable. I don’t map out all the repercussions but I know they will come and I’m williong to work through the discomfort. That…took some doing.
If it were up to me my family would be in the process of relocating outside the US, likely New Zealand (they are high on my list of places that their shit together more than not). If it were just me, who knows where I’d be. Hell I might have signed up to go to Mars. Honestly still like that idea….
Brittany
Thank you for always having such supportive comments, I appreciate you!
I tend to be reckless with my decisions too, but am trying to be a bit more thoughtful. Sometimes I overthink so much that I just NEED to be impulsive or I won’t actually make a decision. Or I stew on the decision like I have been doing the last few months!
If I could uproot my mom, sister, and cat to Germany I would likely never leave!
Grace @ Cultural Life
What an honest and courageous post to share. It sounds like you are making brave choices for yourself.
Your writing about internalized trauma reminded me of the book The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk – I haven’t read it but I heard the author interviewed on the On Being podcast and he shared such insight into the connection between past trauma and how it’s stored in the body and brain. https://onbeing.org/programs/bessel-van-der-kolk-how-trauma-lodges-in-the-body/
All the best!
Brittany
Thank you!! Funny you mention this book, the man I was seeing for counseling also recommended this and I purchased the book back in March. I have only read a few chapters, but plan to really dive into it in the next month.
gpavants
Hi Brittney,
I hope sharing your struggles help with the healing process. We will be praying for you. These are times for believers in Christ, which I know you are, to go through the refiner’s fire. The junk is coming out because the Lord is healing, removing, and renewing you. Let Him do that work and trust me, from experience, the best is yet to come.
In Christ,
Gary
Brittany
Your comments always give me hope and peace, thank you. I do believe the best is yet to come!
Pree
Change is hard, but it is a beautiful thing. I love your list of non-negotiables. Even though you’re returning to Washington for the meantime, going back to a place that’s safe and comforting would surely help you to focus on making your non-negotiables a priority. Enjoy your final weeks in Garmisch, but know that you have so many more great things to look forward to and be excited about 🙂 !
Brittany
Thank you friend. I am sad that your arrival was close to my departure, but I am so excited to follow along your Italian journey.
Allie Zottola
Have your ever heard of or read the book called “The Body Keeps Score”? It has a lot of info about how our bodies process trauma.
Change is so incredibly hard. Sitting with feelings can be even harder. I’m glad to hear you’re going through the change and feeling the feelings and doing the hard work! So many people avoid that their entire lives.
Can’t wait to see what the future holds for you!
Brittany
I actually own this book!! I’ve just not made the time to actually dive into it. HA. Your comment has reminded me to pick it up. Thank you. ❤
blogbyA
I also like control and certainty.
Brittany
They are hard things to let go of!
blogbyA
True !!
blogbyA
I think its a part of onee temperament and personality